When Mr. G was 18, he got shot in the face. He was having an argument with his then girlfriend and for some reason, a block or so before they reached her house, he pulled over at the curb. As they continued to argue, a 14 year old kid walked up and said something through the drivers side window. Mr. G remembers feeling irritation due to the argument and rolled the window down and said, "what?" in a short tone. The kid pulled out a gun and shot him.
The thing that I would occasionally marvel at over the years of our dating was the fact that this event didn't seem to change Mr. G. He was open, trusting, comfortable with strangers even at the window of a car. I even remember commenting on this to Mr. G a few times. I always had to explain myself, he never quite understood why I found this so amazing.
"But didn't that frighten you? Make you want to be more cautious?", I would say.
"why would it?" he would calmly answer.
Even not having lived through that event, or even having lived through it as someone who knew Mr. G then, I knew an event like that would put a permanent change in me.
Somewhat like the death of babies did.
Now, I should qualify this story with a little known fact. Losing M did change Mr. G. He is now a bit slower to warm up, more cautious with friends and not in general, not as friendly, outgoing, open, trusting. But this change is very subtle, and most likely noticeable only to a select few. Getting shot at 18 couldn't do what losing M at 32 did.
My change is more severe and obvious. Its why I've spent way to much time over the past 5 years, and the certainly the past 1 1/2 years bemoaning my lost self, wishing her back with childlike fervor. Gone, gone, gone she is.
I was never open, trusting, unguarded the way Mr. G was and is. I was sweeter, less bitter, less angry, more hopeful, and way more tough. Now, in some ways to use the word tough and myself in the same sentence is laughable. Truly, I've never been tough, but really more tender. But, I don't think in all my life before, I ever felt as fragile as I have since December 15th, 2005. It rises and falls, sometimes feeling softer and harder.
It is one of the things I hate about this journey. The feeling that I cannot, will not be able to cope with another very bad thing. And I don't just mean the obvious and extremely feared very bad thing (I will have to do a whole post on that thing itself!) but I also mean the regular stuff. Like, my mom dying. If all happens as it should, she will die before me. I will join the ranks of adults everywhere who have already lost parents. But, I'm scared I won't cope well. Or I even think, what if something terrible happens to my siblings? I don't just mean death, I mean just something, anything bad.
I often feel I was born with a certain amount of resilience and I already used up my allotment. My daughter hasn't been sick too much (knock on wood! MUST knock on wood you know!) but when she has, I always feel this moment during her not feeling well of constriction, I can't breathe. My mind takes me places.....I can hardly bear my child having even a seasonal cold. I cover this, of course. I soothe, take temperatures, give medicine, hugs, snuggles, sit up at night with her, but my mind goes somewhere else. Can I cope? Can I survive this bump in my normal life. I feel unprepared, unqualified.....
I often hear people talk of bad events making them stronger. I'm glad for them, but that has not been my experience. My fragility is one of the lasting impacts of my losses, one on a list of "THINGS I'M STILL WORKING ON". The problem with this list is there seems to be no answer sheet at the back of the book. I fear that the things on this list are lifelong.
Showing posts with label my problem letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my problem letting go. Show all posts
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sunday, October 3, 2010
When it shouldn't matter, but somehow still does
Here is the story. Mr. g's older brother had a long term girlfriend. They had a baby girl together. Our niece is now 12. Girlfriend was never "mom" material. She was never abusive or outright neglectful, (that I know of) just not really into being a mom. One famous family story about her is the moment they brought niece to mom after mom had c-section. The nurse held baby out, and girlfriend turned her head away. The nurse had to convince her to hold baby. Yes, go ahead and blame the drugs, the hormones, the nervousness of being a first time mom, but this attitude basically continued. It is hard to sit here and type the words that would describe it. She was just never "into it" and it was always fairly obvious. What probably saved her for years was the fact that she worked, and worked a lot, and my brother in law who I think basically did a lot of the basic child care. When you would watch girlfriend and niece interact, unless you knew them, I don't think you would know they were mother and daughter.
One of my personal memories took place when niece was about 8. We had stopped by their house to pick something up, and girlfriend and niece had just arrived home from the bookstore together. Girlfriend needed to go to the grocery store. Niece said, "oh! Can I come with you?" with all the hopefulness and desire to spend more time with mom. Girlfriends response? "No! I already did something with you today!" It was this way between them all the time. Or at least, all the times I witnessed. The way girlfriend was was a known and talked about topic in the G family.
Around this same time, girlfriend and brother in law were in the process of splitting up. This took some time as they owned a house together, had niece, etc. In fact, when M died, I was surprised to see girlfriend at the hospital, I thought they had broken up enough for her to miss solemn family moments. (And quite frankly, she and I were never best friends anyway). Brother in law of course, took custody of niece. There is no way this woman could parent by herself 24/7. Brother in law had conversation with mr. g about how girlfriend just wasn't like them, she was raised differently, etc. (actually, I think her childhood was pretty screwed up) He had tried to help her improve with niece, but it just wasn't working. After the split was final, it seemed like girlfriend and niece's relationship improved. I thought the fact that they didn't live together was to credit for that. You can put up with anyone if it is only little bits at a time. Girlfriend found religion, married a church man.
Today was mr. g's birthday. This birthday started out so much better than last year, when pregnant with a dead IZ, waiting for my procedure to free him, we couldn't stomach a party and sat in a Denny's restaurant for breakfast with his family, the one thing we let them do for us. Today, we had the family over, we were outside. I was feeling some stress, but was dealing okay. I was several feet from the party, helping A fill up her water table. I overheard it.
Niece telling family her mom was pregnant.
Dramatic as it sounds I reacted the way some people do to news of a death. For a moment, the world froze, then moved again in tilt. A roar rushed my ears and I felt like I had dived deep into the ocean where all you hear is the sound of water moving. A broke it out of me, by asking a question, which she had to repeat before I shook it off and could answer. I composed myself, sat quietly with A for a few moments before finally rejoining the party to fix a plate of food.
I did okay. I really did. Not in my head, but on the outside.
Later, on a walk we took after the party, I brought it up with mr. g. A feat in itself because "Other Peoples Pregnancies" is sometimes on our list of Things We Don't Talk About. But we did, and I found myself sniveling down the street.
The thing is, WHY does this bother me so much?* I told mr. g, it is like caring when your ex-boyfriend starts dating someone else. IT isn't about you. It is his life. Quit letting other peoples lives bother you. But it brought me back, back to the place. Life isn't fair. Boo Hoo. Didn't I already know this? Haven't I spent five, FIVE years trying to make peace with that fact? And this one piece of news sends me down there like a junkie finding out there is free smack at the grocery store.
And, I go back to these feelings. Why me? I start to think I MUST have done something to deserve what happened.** Even though, in logical moments I say I don't believe that.
I always feel like such a child. Why don't I just stomp into a church and kick my feet and demand that God give me an answer? It would serve just as much purpose.
At one point in the conversation, I told mr. g, I feel like I should talk about it when I feel this way, because clearly this is where my mind is, but what is the point? Besides, what would I say? Just repeat "life isn't fair" over and over until I was hoarse? He mentioned that he feels these feelings too, but then just tries to think of A, and feel lucky for her, focused on her. I told him I do that too, in these moments and everyday moments, but frankly, I'm getting sick of that advice. I mean really, I am getting so bitter when people tell me, "then you must be so grateful for A" Ummmm....yeah, but I don't see these same people telling the woman with all 3, 5, 7 of her kids that she should feel grateful for kids. Do you only have to feel lucky and grateful if some of your kids died? And you only get to feel bitter and angry if you have all of your kids? Yeah, totally makes sense.
So there you have it. I'm not proud of what I feel, I only know that I feel it. Isn't life SO unfair?
Make me feel better. Just agree with me. Don't tell me to be happy, okay?
Prayer for tonight? Please God, tell me I won't feel this way the rest of my life. Help guide me toward peace.
*One of the non selfish reasons it bothers me is the thought of this woman being responsible for another soul out in the world. My heart broke many a times over the years as I watched her and niece together. Its sad to think the cycle will be starting again.
**I'm still sitting here struggling with feeling like I must have done something to deserve it somehow. I guess the road to accepting life doesn't make sense is longer and harder than I ever thought.
One of my personal memories took place when niece was about 8. We had stopped by their house to pick something up, and girlfriend and niece had just arrived home from the bookstore together. Girlfriend needed to go to the grocery store. Niece said, "oh! Can I come with you?" with all the hopefulness and desire to spend more time with mom. Girlfriends response? "No! I already did something with you today!" It was this way between them all the time. Or at least, all the times I witnessed. The way girlfriend was was a known and talked about topic in the G family.
Around this same time, girlfriend and brother in law were in the process of splitting up. This took some time as they owned a house together, had niece, etc. In fact, when M died, I was surprised to see girlfriend at the hospital, I thought they had broken up enough for her to miss solemn family moments. (And quite frankly, she and I were never best friends anyway). Brother in law of course, took custody of niece. There is no way this woman could parent by herself 24/7. Brother in law had conversation with mr. g about how girlfriend just wasn't like them, she was raised differently, etc. (actually, I think her childhood was pretty screwed up) He had tried to help her improve with niece, but it just wasn't working. After the split was final, it seemed like girlfriend and niece's relationship improved. I thought the fact that they didn't live together was to credit for that. You can put up with anyone if it is only little bits at a time. Girlfriend found religion, married a church man.
Today was mr. g's birthday. This birthday started out so much better than last year, when pregnant with a dead IZ, waiting for my procedure to free him, we couldn't stomach a party and sat in a Denny's restaurant for breakfast with his family, the one thing we let them do for us. Today, we had the family over, we were outside. I was feeling some stress, but was dealing okay. I was several feet from the party, helping A fill up her water table. I overheard it.
Niece telling family her mom was pregnant.
Dramatic as it sounds I reacted the way some people do to news of a death. For a moment, the world froze, then moved again in tilt. A roar rushed my ears and I felt like I had dived deep into the ocean where all you hear is the sound of water moving. A broke it out of me, by asking a question, which she had to repeat before I shook it off and could answer. I composed myself, sat quietly with A for a few moments before finally rejoining the party to fix a plate of food.
I did okay. I really did. Not in my head, but on the outside.
Later, on a walk we took after the party, I brought it up with mr. g. A feat in itself because "Other Peoples Pregnancies" is sometimes on our list of Things We Don't Talk About. But we did, and I found myself sniveling down the street.
The thing is, WHY does this bother me so much?* I told mr. g, it is like caring when your ex-boyfriend starts dating someone else. IT isn't about you. It is his life. Quit letting other peoples lives bother you. But it brought me back, back to the place. Life isn't fair. Boo Hoo. Didn't I already know this? Haven't I spent five, FIVE years trying to make peace with that fact? And this one piece of news sends me down there like a junkie finding out there is free smack at the grocery store.
And, I go back to these feelings. Why me? I start to think I MUST have done something to deserve what happened.** Even though, in logical moments I say I don't believe that.
I always feel like such a child. Why don't I just stomp into a church and kick my feet and demand that God give me an answer? It would serve just as much purpose.
At one point in the conversation, I told mr. g, I feel like I should talk about it when I feel this way, because clearly this is where my mind is, but what is the point? Besides, what would I say? Just repeat "life isn't fair" over and over until I was hoarse? He mentioned that he feels these feelings too, but then just tries to think of A, and feel lucky for her, focused on her. I told him I do that too, in these moments and everyday moments, but frankly, I'm getting sick of that advice. I mean really, I am getting so bitter when people tell me, "then you must be so grateful for A" Ummmm....yeah, but I don't see these same people telling the woman with all 3, 5, 7 of her kids that she should feel grateful for kids. Do you only have to feel lucky and grateful if some of your kids died? And you only get to feel bitter and angry if you have all of your kids? Yeah, totally makes sense.
So there you have it. I'm not proud of what I feel, I only know that I feel it. Isn't life SO unfair?
Make me feel better. Just agree with me. Don't tell me to be happy, okay?
Prayer for tonight? Please God, tell me I won't feel this way the rest of my life. Help guide me toward peace.
*One of the non selfish reasons it bothers me is the thought of this woman being responsible for another soul out in the world. My heart broke many a times over the years as I watched her and niece together. Its sad to think the cycle will be starting again.
**I'm still sitting here struggling with feeling like I must have done something to deserve it somehow. I guess the road to accepting life doesn't make sense is longer and harder than I ever thought.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Perspective
I had a few problems with work today. I won't get into the details, but to sum it up quickly, it looks like they will pretty much do anything to avoid paying my benefits while I am on leave, meaning I will have to pay for my medical during any time I take off work to have a baby. Which means at a time when our income will go down, I will have an extra expense. I swear, if you heard them, you would honestly believe they think women should just work on Tuesday, have baby on Wednesday, work on Thursday. It's really my fault, for being half time, not full time. See, they talk a good game about how they offer half timers the same benefits as full time, but other than the medical (which you can be in danger of losing if you go one millisecond under half time hours) you don't really qualify for anything else. Oh well, if I end up not qualifying for their 70% of pay disability plan, with no medical benefits, I am pretty sure I will qualify for some form of pay through the state. The funny thing is, Mr. g and I were not worried about the paycheck, we knew we could live a few weeks with just his. We were more worried about taking on the cost of my medical benefits. Thank goodness for our small (very small) savings, it makes me feel a little more secure.
As I tried to deal with this today, I could feel a bit of stress coming on. I could feel myself get fired up about how unfair I think my work is being. Like I need more reminders life is unfair. I think that is why these types of situations push my buttons so much, I don't need those reminders. Soon though, I felt myself calming. I realized I just didn't care. Not only did I not care, it was a pointless venture. I am not going to change their policies today. I have no fight in me. Now of course I care, but what I mean is, I started thinking, "I just want a living baby" Screw the money, the benefits, that will work itself out, somehow. I can stress about that when I have a breathing, squirmy infant in my arms. Seriously. I had to work at it a bit, but truly, I decided I didn't want to spend anymore time thinking about it. I got my answer, I want to wash my hands of it. Because what I care about, what I want to think about, is getting my baby girl here alive. That is it. I want my complete and total focus to be on that one issue right now. It helped. It really helped. Screw my work, I got bigger, much bigger things to spend my brain matter on. Whoever thought there was a "zen zone" in dead baby mom perspective?
ETA to add: Well, reading my disability handbook at work today, "if" I get approved, they will cover my benefits during the disability. If I decide I want a little longer with baby girl, then I will pay. Not too bad, as it least that would be less of a financial burden. I was told by someone who works in HUMAN RESOURCES that he didn't think disability covered benefits. Don't you just love competant employees? Oh, and just to let you guys know, I don't work for a company, I work for the city government. Does this explain this better?
As I tried to deal with this today, I could feel a bit of stress coming on. I could feel myself get fired up about how unfair I think my work is being. Like I need more reminders life is unfair. I think that is why these types of situations push my buttons so much, I don't need those reminders. Soon though, I felt myself calming. I realized I just didn't care. Not only did I not care, it was a pointless venture. I am not going to change their policies today. I have no fight in me. Now of course I care, but what I mean is, I started thinking, "I just want a living baby" Screw the money, the benefits, that will work itself out, somehow. I can stress about that when I have a breathing, squirmy infant in my arms. Seriously. I had to work at it a bit, but truly, I decided I didn't want to spend anymore time thinking about it. I got my answer, I want to wash my hands of it. Because what I care about, what I want to think about, is getting my baby girl here alive. That is it. I want my complete and total focus to be on that one issue right now. It helped. It really helped. Screw my work, I got bigger, much bigger things to spend my brain matter on. Whoever thought there was a "zen zone" in dead baby mom perspective?
ETA to add: Well, reading my disability handbook at work today, "if" I get approved, they will cover my benefits during the disability. If I decide I want a little longer with baby girl, then I will pay. Not too bad, as it least that would be less of a financial burden. I was told by someone who works in HUMAN RESOURCES that he didn't think disability covered benefits. Don't you just love competant employees? Oh, and just to let you guys know, I don't work for a company, I work for the city government. Does this explain this better?
Thursday, December 6, 2007
How I cope and the crazy thing I did
So, after 2 days of feeling a lot of stress over the decisions I have to make, I came up with a coping technique. Today, I am 35 weeks and 6 days. They are not doing the version right now. They are not going to deliver me right now. So, I just need to get through the next week or so before I really have to decide anything. I'm trying to quiet my mind until then. It kills me to think of going to 39 weeks, c-section or vaginal birth. But, like I said, I am not close enough for them to take her at this point anyway. Around 37+ weeks, I will cover that ground. Not a very impressive coping technique, right? Well, heck, it's all I could come up with.
Now, the crazy thing I did. I, who can barely even go to the baby section in a store, went to that baby crazed happy place, B.abi.es R. U.s. I know, I know, I can't believe it myself. Here is how it happened- I had my NST this morning, and was trying to run some errands afterwards. One of the stores I wanted to go to is across the way from the B store, and I showed up 20 minutes too early, they were not open yet. So, rather than sit in my car, I decided to go in. I think what made it possible were two things. One, it was very early, and not very many people were there. Two, I had a very specific reason. I know the car seat I want, and was planning to order it online and have it sent to my mom's to avoid the whole public buying of baby items. However, after reading some online reviews, a few people had mentioned the fact that the seat was larger than some models and may not work well in a small car. Not only is my car compact, but only a 2 door. (yes, I want to change that, but it just isn't possible right now) I had a vision of struggling to wiggle a car seat out of my tight backseat, and decided I needed to actually see the seat in person. So, the B store is a good place for this.
It wasn't too bad, actually. And I looked at some other items while I was there, but didn't buy anything. I came close, but honestly, I think I didn't buy anything not for emotional reasons, but because I wasn't certain I wanted some of the items I found, and decided to think about it more. The only bad thing was that I did stay in there long enough to see the store get more crowded with the mommys and their babies crowd. I felt a little freakish, kept thinking of my car in the parking lot with its pregnancy and infant loss rememberance ribbon. I know that I don't know any of these women's historys. I mean, they could have had losses, but it is hard to talk yourself out of the freak feeling.
I'm glad it wasn't a bad experience and that no one talked to me. (so not ready for that!) I might be able to go back and get the seat and save myself shipping and handling.
Now, the crazy thing I did. I, who can barely even go to the baby section in a store, went to that baby crazed happy place, B.abi.es R. U.s. I know, I know, I can't believe it myself. Here is how it happened- I had my NST this morning, and was trying to run some errands afterwards. One of the stores I wanted to go to is across the way from the B store, and I showed up 20 minutes too early, they were not open yet. So, rather than sit in my car, I decided to go in. I think what made it possible were two things. One, it was very early, and not very many people were there. Two, I had a very specific reason. I know the car seat I want, and was planning to order it online and have it sent to my mom's to avoid the whole public buying of baby items. However, after reading some online reviews, a few people had mentioned the fact that the seat was larger than some models and may not work well in a small car. Not only is my car compact, but only a 2 door. (yes, I want to change that, but it just isn't possible right now) I had a vision of struggling to wiggle a car seat out of my tight backseat, and decided I needed to actually see the seat in person. So, the B store is a good place for this.
It wasn't too bad, actually. And I looked at some other items while I was there, but didn't buy anything. I came close, but honestly, I think I didn't buy anything not for emotional reasons, but because I wasn't certain I wanted some of the items I found, and decided to think about it more. The only bad thing was that I did stay in there long enough to see the store get more crowded with the mommys and their babies crowd. I felt a little freakish, kept thinking of my car in the parking lot with its pregnancy and infant loss rememberance ribbon. I know that I don't know any of these women's historys. I mean, they could have had losses, but it is hard to talk yourself out of the freak feeling.
I'm glad it wasn't a bad experience and that no one talked to me. (so not ready for that!) I might be able to go back and get the seat and save myself shipping and handling.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Retreat
Thank you to all of you who reminded me that this was my blog, to let out whatever I so choose. Having said that, I think I will hold off on my explosive post. It is just something I need to turn over in my mind more. The truth is, I think I do want to post in the hopes of getting forgivness or comments that say, "don't feel so bad...." and I am not sure that is a good reason to expose myself so much. I keep thinking I should be able to deal with this, I should figure it out.
Please don't start hating me for being so cryptic, but this does have to do with my medical history, so that is why is still comes up. I'm sure some of you will have guesses as to what it could be, but guesses are not knowledge, so I am okay with that. I am angry and upset because I don't know why it still gets mentioned. I had my first NST the other day, and it got brought up, and not only that, it was written on this little sticker they stick to your baby's heartrate chart! Why??? I get why I might need to discuss this with my doctor, one on one, but not in a lot of other instances. What a lot of this comes down to is my fear. See, my mom doesn't know this about me, and she is the one that has mostly accompanied me on doctor visits this pg. due to Mr. g's current job situation. So, will this be an issue at all NST's? Can I not bring my mom? And what should I tell her, about why I don't need her to come anymore?
This fear is something that has come up before. When I had my m/c, (almost exactly a year ago to the day, by the way) both Mr. g and my mom were sitting in the pre-op area with me before my d and c. It was a room lined with curtains, between each bed, similiar to the NST room, now that I think about it. Privacy? HA! Just before the doctor came into my curtain, a nurse came and informed me I was only allowed one person with me. My mom left so Mr. g could stay. Literally seconds later, the doc comes in, starts talking to me, and says, "I see you have.............(fill in blank). Ummmm....yeah, it that really that pertinent here? I remember in the midst of my sadness over my m/c feeling utter relief that my mom had just left.
I'm sure some of you don't understand this. I mean, really, I am a grown woman, right? And I still shake with fear over my mother finding out something about me that was well over 10 years ago? I know, I know, for those of you who think this, you so have a point. But the bottom line is, I don't want her to know.
This is partially why I am so upset. Does this really have to come up, over ten years later, on my daughters NST readout? I had a long talk with Mr. g last night, and while I love talking to him, he did the typical man "solve the problem" thing. He suggested I tell question the nurses and ask that that not be on there. Yeah, I could, but at the same time, I don't really want to draw even more attention to it. What I'd really like to do is change it so that that wasn't part of the equation. Why are we talking about this? Will it change my treatment? I can say with absolute certainty NO. However, it might change they way I am personally treated by some hospital staff.
I hate that this bothers me so much. I hate, hate that it is there. I hate that I feel like I will pay for the rest of my life. I hate that I have such a problem leaving the past behind and not letting it bother me so much.
Mr. g asked me last night, "Does it bother you, as in YOU personally?" Truthfully, I don't think so. I have made a lot of peace with it for myself. But it is private and personal and no, I don't want to deal with others judging. And this is something others judge quickly. Very quickly. And it is one of those things, that like loss, is a deep and hurtful reminder of how damn unfair life is. I struggle with that enough. I don't need 10+ year old reminders.
I hate that this has been bothering me since Monday. Damnit, I really need to shell out for that therapy, don't I?
Please don't start hating me for being so cryptic, but this does have to do with my medical history, so that is why is still comes up. I'm sure some of you will have guesses as to what it could be, but guesses are not knowledge, so I am okay with that. I am angry and upset because I don't know why it still gets mentioned. I had my first NST the other day, and it got brought up, and not only that, it was written on this little sticker they stick to your baby's heartrate chart! Why??? I get why I might need to discuss this with my doctor, one on one, but not in a lot of other instances. What a lot of this comes down to is my fear. See, my mom doesn't know this about me, and she is the one that has mostly accompanied me on doctor visits this pg. due to Mr. g's current job situation. So, will this be an issue at all NST's? Can I not bring my mom? And what should I tell her, about why I don't need her to come anymore?
This fear is something that has come up before. When I had my m/c, (almost exactly a year ago to the day, by the way) both Mr. g and my mom were sitting in the pre-op area with me before my d and c. It was a room lined with curtains, between each bed, similiar to the NST room, now that I think about it. Privacy? HA! Just before the doctor came into my curtain, a nurse came and informed me I was only allowed one person with me. My mom left so Mr. g could stay. Literally seconds later, the doc comes in, starts talking to me, and says, "I see you have.............(fill in blank). Ummmm....yeah, it that really that pertinent here? I remember in the midst of my sadness over my m/c feeling utter relief that my mom had just left.
I'm sure some of you don't understand this. I mean, really, I am a grown woman, right? And I still shake with fear over my mother finding out something about me that was well over 10 years ago? I know, I know, for those of you who think this, you so have a point. But the bottom line is, I don't want her to know.
This is partially why I am so upset. Does this really have to come up, over ten years later, on my daughters NST readout? I had a long talk with Mr. g last night, and while I love talking to him, he did the typical man "solve the problem" thing. He suggested I tell question the nurses and ask that that not be on there. Yeah, I could, but at the same time, I don't really want to draw even more attention to it. What I'd really like to do is change it so that that wasn't part of the equation. Why are we talking about this? Will it change my treatment? I can say with absolute certainty NO. However, it might change they way I am personally treated by some hospital staff.
I hate that this bothers me so much. I hate, hate that it is there. I hate that I feel like I will pay for the rest of my life. I hate that I have such a problem leaving the past behind and not letting it bother me so much.
Mr. g asked me last night, "Does it bother you, as in YOU personally?" Truthfully, I don't think so. I have made a lot of peace with it for myself. But it is private and personal and no, I don't want to deal with others judging. And this is something others judge quickly. Very quickly. And it is one of those things, that like loss, is a deep and hurtful reminder of how damn unfair life is. I struggle with that enough. I don't need 10+ year old reminders.
I hate that this has been bothering me since Monday. Damnit, I really need to shell out for that therapy, don't I?
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