Forgive me. Forgive my silence. I literally can't believe it is April. No, I mean really. I swear A just had her first birthday. How did 4 months happen since then? It is so very hard for me to get computer time! I have a little walker, explorer, risk taker that I am responsible for. Oh, and she hates it when I sit down at the computer. It is actually quite funny. She will be nicely playing by herself with no interest in me, so I think, "Well, here is a good time" The second my booty touches the chair, she *needs* me. You can guess who wins here.
I really just wanted to hop on and say, "I'm still here!!!" I actually am just coming off a *bad* week where I felt incredibly sad every day, missing M so much. Some days, I swear if I see another double stroller.....
Times like those bring it home that my family is not and will never be, truly complete. Times like those also remind me how *different* I really am from the general population. I'm sure no one knows how much I think of M, how much I miss him.
As for current things in my life, well, this is a complicated one. A woman who I use to work with before she got moved to another branch had her baby. At 23 almost 24 weeks. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't even get into how afraid I was to go to work for week, fearing I would hear the news the baby died. In fact, I was so afraid, that I have to admit, for just a second, I felt like all those people that avoid the topic because it is too uncomfortable. I know I am not like them really, but I just knew if her baby died, and I heard about it with working hours still in my day, that I would struggle.
So here it is, 2 weeks later and her lovely baby girl is in critical, but stable condition. And I have not sent a card, word, or good thoughts. I feel I'm in a bind. Because I want her to know if the worst happens, she can talk to me, but I don't think now, while her baby is still alive is the best time to bring up my dead one, you know? Think of it, a card that says, "gee, really great that she is alive, hope she stays that way....oh, and if she doesn't, feel free to call!!! Talk about uncomfortable....
Monday, April 6, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I need a drink
This post was supposed to be about a New Year's resolution I would like to try. However, before I get into that, I need to vent about the last couple of weeks, okay? Here is the timeline-
Dec. 16th M's bday
Dec. 16th-19th Bought tree, decorated tree, finished Christmas and Birthday shopping
Dec. 19th A's bday
Dec. 20th A's bday party
Dec. 22nd A's 1 year doctor appt.
Dec. 22nd-23rd A runs a fever first night, and throws up second night
Dec. 24th A seems a little better, ms. g has to run into work to fill out timecard she forgot about, start wrapping presents, have debate about whether or not we are going to inlaws that night
Dec 24th (evening) go to inlaws have Christmas celebration, watch A carefully for signs of not feeling well. Think A is having a fine time and will be able to stay up for midnight gift opening because she was given a late nap.
Dec 25th (12:30 am) Drive home with poor screaming A who, now no longer entertained by cousins, realizes how tired she is. Mom is kicking herself and feeling her heart break as tired baby cries and reaches for her from the carseat.
Dec 25th(4:30am)Change A out of Christmas pjs due to poop sliding out of diaper. Assume this is the leftover sickies leaving as A hasn't pooped in the night since she was 3 months old.
Dec 25th (morning) Have nice morning with A and Mr. g. Wrap presents for Ms. G's side of the family
Dec 25th (afternoon) Ms. g cries on phone to Mom because exhaustion is setting in from two sick baby nights with no sleep. Go to Ms. g's family, have nice Christmas celebration. Start to worry about the fact that A has barely eaten any solid food since Monday, only wants to nurse, and poop is getting softer and softer. Once again, change poopy outfit, leave it soaking in bathroom sink
Dec. 26th Notice A has 3 teeth, all about to erupt
Dec 27th Ms. g sick, spending a good portion of morning in bathroom
Dec. 28th Notice one of A's teeth has erupted. Worry again that she will only take a few bites of solid food. Notice A still, "doesn't seem like herself" though it is very subtle and she doesn't seem sick. Finally get to do some laundry, feeling much better about vomit/poo clothes not sitting around
Dec 28th-29th (overnight) A wakes up every hour, we figure it must be her teeth
Dec 29th Mr. g gets sick, A finally seems more like herself, actually lets mommy get some cleaning done instead of holding/nursing her only
Dec. 29th (overnight) A is running slight fever, won't sleep, very fussy, only wants to nurse. Ms. g feels like she is losing her shit, nipples sore, begs A to stop nursing "for five minutes, please!!"
Dec. 30th Ms. g goes back to worrying about solid food intake, too much nursing, soft yellow poop diapers. Doesn't know what to do. Just keep nursing as much as A wants? Force feed solids?
And here we are.....I am so tired. And I feel bad for A, who has had a tough week too. I know the last few days have probably been her teeth and I can even understand why she wants to comfort nurse, but man, it feels like she asks me for milk 20 times a day. And I'm left here, thinking, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing" I'm sure I left some things out of that timeline. Lets just say, it has been a busy couple of weeks. I am seriously considering doing her birthday party earlier or later next year. Don't get me wrong, we had a fabulous birthday, we had so much fun, and Christmas too, it just seems like a lot of activity to cram in.
Whew!! It actually felt good to get that off my chest. I feel energized. So thank you, to those who made it through it.
********************************************
As for my resolution, I want to try to write down M's story this year. As much as possible. I am so afraid to that I will forget things, in fact, I'm sure there are some details that I have already. I never have written it down because I knew going over it like that would make me cry, and sometimes I just don't want to cry, you know? But, I want to the story to be available, for me, for A, for whoever may want to know. I may do it here, I may just do it for myself, but that is my resolution for 2009.
I wish all of us a happy, peaceful new year. May this next year bring you all joy and not heartache.
Dec. 16th M's bday
Dec. 16th-19th Bought tree, decorated tree, finished Christmas and Birthday shopping
Dec. 19th A's bday
Dec. 20th A's bday party
Dec. 22nd A's 1 year doctor appt.
Dec. 22nd-23rd A runs a fever first night, and throws up second night
Dec. 24th A seems a little better, ms. g has to run into work to fill out timecard she forgot about, start wrapping presents, have debate about whether or not we are going to inlaws that night
Dec 24th (evening) go to inlaws have Christmas celebration, watch A carefully for signs of not feeling well. Think A is having a fine time and will be able to stay up for midnight gift opening because she was given a late nap.
Dec 25th (12:30 am) Drive home with poor screaming A who, now no longer entertained by cousins, realizes how tired she is. Mom is kicking herself and feeling her heart break as tired baby cries and reaches for her from the carseat.
Dec 25th(4:30am)Change A out of Christmas pjs due to poop sliding out of diaper. Assume this is the leftover sickies leaving as A hasn't pooped in the night since she was 3 months old.
Dec 25th (morning) Have nice morning with A and Mr. g. Wrap presents for Ms. G's side of the family
Dec 25th (afternoon) Ms. g cries on phone to Mom because exhaustion is setting in from two sick baby nights with no sleep. Go to Ms. g's family, have nice Christmas celebration. Start to worry about the fact that A has barely eaten any solid food since Monday, only wants to nurse, and poop is getting softer and softer. Once again, change poopy outfit, leave it soaking in bathroom sink
Dec. 26th Notice A has 3 teeth, all about to erupt
Dec 27th Ms. g sick, spending a good portion of morning in bathroom
Dec. 28th Notice one of A's teeth has erupted. Worry again that she will only take a few bites of solid food. Notice A still, "doesn't seem like herself" though it is very subtle and she doesn't seem sick. Finally get to do some laundry, feeling much better about vomit/poo clothes not sitting around
Dec 28th-29th (overnight) A wakes up every hour, we figure it must be her teeth
Dec 29th Mr. g gets sick, A finally seems more like herself, actually lets mommy get some cleaning done instead of holding/nursing her only
Dec. 29th (overnight) A is running slight fever, won't sleep, very fussy, only wants to nurse. Ms. g feels like she is losing her shit, nipples sore, begs A to stop nursing "for five minutes, please!!"
Dec. 30th Ms. g goes back to worrying about solid food intake, too much nursing, soft yellow poop diapers. Doesn't know what to do. Just keep nursing as much as A wants? Force feed solids?
And here we are.....I am so tired. And I feel bad for A, who has had a tough week too. I know the last few days have probably been her teeth and I can even understand why she wants to comfort nurse, but man, it feels like she asks me for milk 20 times a day. And I'm left here, thinking, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing" I'm sure I left some things out of that timeline. Lets just say, it has been a busy couple of weeks. I am seriously considering doing her birthday party earlier or later next year. Don't get me wrong, we had a fabulous birthday, we had so much fun, and Christmas too, it just seems like a lot of activity to cram in.
Whew!! It actually felt good to get that off my chest. I feel energized. So thank you, to those who made it through it.
********************************************
As for my resolution, I want to try to write down M's story this year. As much as possible. I am so afraid to that I will forget things, in fact, I'm sure there are some details that I have already. I never have written it down because I knew going over it like that would make me cry, and sometimes I just don't want to cry, you know? But, I want to the story to be available, for me, for A, for whoever may want to know. I may do it here, I may just do it for myself, but that is my resolution for 2009.
I wish all of us a happy, peaceful new year. May this next year bring you all joy and not heartache.
Friday, December 19, 2008
And One
Happy Birthday, baby girl A!! You are truly the light of life, my joy in the morning, and my peace at night.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Delayed Anger?
Well, yesterday turned out the be the hardest year of M's birthday yet. Only one person in our families called. Now, I have been saying for a long time that it didn't matter to me if no one called or remembered, because I didn't need them to. Maybe I lied to myself. I should clarify that in the past 2 years, only 2 people from mr. G's side* called anyway. One of his sisters and a good friend of his, who isn't family, but I count him as "on mr. g's side". They didn't call. And I was disappointed. Wait!! That isn't actually true, his sister** did call us, only to tell us that a house we had a put a bid on went to someone else. A house I really liked.
Is it is weird that I was annoyed with her for telling me yesterday? It felt like another disappointment on a day that I walk with vulnerability anyway. And of course, no mention of M in her conversation. I felt terribly sad and angry. We were having dinner after making a stop at the beach, but before we went to pick out our tree, and after the call, I just wanted to go home. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and I felt such an overwhelming sadness.
We didn't go home, I mustered up the energy to finish our traditions for M. As the evening wore on, I kept thinking about my anger over and over in my mind. Am I asking too much? Are they asking too much, expecting me to be *better* than I am? I know you don't "get over" this. I know that. But sometimes I feel like I am going to be that person who they whisper about, "No, don't go talk to ms. g, she won't quit talking about her dead baby, I mean hello! that was so many years ago, she has living children to talk about!"
Okay, okay, I get it. Who wants to talk about and remember a dead baby? Well, besides the dead baby's mama? Except, REALLY? You really expect me to somehow move past the fact that heart was ripped was its core? That everything I ever once believed was shaken off their foundations? That not only did I lose a child I never got the chance to really know, but that I lost myself? And that even now, 3 years later, I am still trying to figure out who the hell this new self is? I'm supposed to move on from all that in a mere 3 years?
My next thoughts led me to their children. Yes, I go to the birthday parties, but I don't call them on their actual birthdays and say I am thinking of them. Is that the same thing?
This is what scares me. If it feels this way to me in 3 years, what will 10 feel like? Will I only be able to say his name here? Will I always be the freak because I refuse to forget him?
The part I really hate is that in some very small way, I understand them. He wasn't their son, they don't feel the ache of his loss as intensely or frequently as I do. But, on the other hand, he is such a large part of my life that if he isn't included even a very small way with our dealings, how close can I be to anyone?
That was my day, summed up with a lot of feeling. When M first died, I wanted time to move on, because I knew I would get better at dealing with it. Now, I am not so sure I should have wished for that. I'm finding the more time passes, the hard times just change shape and I don't know how to deal with that either.
*I have to be totally honest and fair here. Only 1 person from my family called, but that doesn't make me as annoyed. It isn't fair, but I feel that way because in my side of the family, M is mentioned and talked about frequently. I never feel like I have to say his name in a whisper there, and he is costantly mentioned as A's brother. At my in-laws, I mention his name, and everybody gets silent with depressed looks on their faces. I guess I just feel his birthday is the day when we can openly talk about M.
**I have to do an update here. She ended up calling us the next day, apologizing to Mr. G for forgetting to mention M's birthday. She said she just got so caught up in the house stuff, that it slipped her mind, but that she was thinking of him. Even though I was here when she called, she ended up calling a bit later and left a message on our machine apologizing to me. In her message she said she felt really bad. Then, at the end of the message, she said something else. I missed most of it, because her voice lowered and I couldn't pick up on all her words. This is what I heard, "A....appreciate.......now........well, I better hang up before I say something stupid" If I had to guess, it might have been something regarding feeling lucky for what I have, meaning A, and appreciating her and hopefully A helping me feel better. I think that only because she has made similiar comments since A's birth. Nothing too offensive, but still. I guess I should just be glad she called, right? Except, it frustrates me to no end that people think A makes it all better. A is her own person, not a replacement. My heart still aches for the one that should be here, making A laugh. Thank goodness for this community of people who understand.
Is it is weird that I was annoyed with her for telling me yesterday? It felt like another disappointment on a day that I walk with vulnerability anyway. And of course, no mention of M in her conversation. I felt terribly sad and angry. We were having dinner after making a stop at the beach, but before we went to pick out our tree, and after the call, I just wanted to go home. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and I felt such an overwhelming sadness.
We didn't go home, I mustered up the energy to finish our traditions for M. As the evening wore on, I kept thinking about my anger over and over in my mind. Am I asking too much? Are they asking too much, expecting me to be *better* than I am? I know you don't "get over" this. I know that. But sometimes I feel like I am going to be that person who they whisper about, "No, don't go talk to ms. g, she won't quit talking about her dead baby, I mean hello! that was so many years ago, she has living children to talk about!"
Okay, okay, I get it. Who wants to talk about and remember a dead baby? Well, besides the dead baby's mama? Except, REALLY? You really expect me to somehow move past the fact that heart was ripped was its core? That everything I ever once believed was shaken off their foundations? That not only did I lose a child I never got the chance to really know, but that I lost myself? And that even now, 3 years later, I am still trying to figure out who the hell this new self is? I'm supposed to move on from all that in a mere 3 years?
My next thoughts led me to their children. Yes, I go to the birthday parties, but I don't call them on their actual birthdays and say I am thinking of them. Is that the same thing?
This is what scares me. If it feels this way to me in 3 years, what will 10 feel like? Will I only be able to say his name here? Will I always be the freak because I refuse to forget him?
The part I really hate is that in some very small way, I understand them. He wasn't their son, they don't feel the ache of his loss as intensely or frequently as I do. But, on the other hand, he is such a large part of my life that if he isn't included even a very small way with our dealings, how close can I be to anyone?
That was my day, summed up with a lot of feeling. When M first died, I wanted time to move on, because I knew I would get better at dealing with it. Now, I am not so sure I should have wished for that. I'm finding the more time passes, the hard times just change shape and I don't know how to deal with that either.
*I have to be totally honest and fair here. Only 1 person from my family called, but that doesn't make me as annoyed. It isn't fair, but I feel that way because in my side of the family, M is mentioned and talked about frequently. I never feel like I have to say his name in a whisper there, and he is costantly mentioned as A's brother. At my in-laws, I mention his name, and everybody gets silent with depressed looks on their faces. I guess I just feel his birthday is the day when we can openly talk about M.
**I have to do an update here. She ended up calling us the next day, apologizing to Mr. G for forgetting to mention M's birthday. She said she just got so caught up in the house stuff, that it slipped her mind, but that she was thinking of him. Even though I was here when she called, she ended up calling a bit later and left a message on our machine apologizing to me. In her message she said she felt really bad. Then, at the end of the message, she said something else. I missed most of it, because her voice lowered and I couldn't pick up on all her words. This is what I heard, "A....appreciate.......now........well, I better hang up before I say something stupid" If I had to guess, it might have been something regarding feeling lucky for what I have, meaning A, and appreciating her and hopefully A helping me feel better. I think that only because she has made similiar comments since A's birth. Nothing too offensive, but still. I guess I should just be glad she called, right? Except, it frustrates me to no end that people think A makes it all better. A is her own person, not a replacement. My heart still aches for the one that should be here, making A laugh. Thank goodness for this community of people who understand.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Three
I can't believe M should be 3 today. Has it really been 3 years? Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes the memories feel so distant I can barely grasp them as reality.
It is still morning here and so far, I feel okay. His actual birthday has never been the hardest day for me. Yesterday, I felt the saddest I've felt in sometime. I felt sad, but also just on edge, I didn't want to go to work and leave A. Once Mr. g is home from work we will start our traditions for M. Picking out our tree, lighting our candle. I know I will feel better then, I always do when I actually get to do something that feels like it is for M. In some ways, I think this year has been harder than last year. I know some of that is the addition of A, seeing her can be a painfully obvious view of what I missed out on. And also, just combining the two, the happy and sad in my life. It is a strange balancing act.
I want to say more, my insides feel like they are bursting at the seams with feelings, but at the same time, I feel speechless. I have often wondered, how do you keep talking about someone who lived so short a time? But, at the same time, I don't want to quit talking about him.
It is still morning here and so far, I feel okay. His actual birthday has never been the hardest day for me. Yesterday, I felt the saddest I've felt in sometime. I felt sad, but also just on edge, I didn't want to go to work and leave A. Once Mr. g is home from work we will start our traditions for M. Picking out our tree, lighting our candle. I know I will feel better then, I always do when I actually get to do something that feels like it is for M. In some ways, I think this year has been harder than last year. I know some of that is the addition of A, seeing her can be a painfully obvious view of what I missed out on. And also, just combining the two, the happy and sad in my life. It is a strange balancing act.
I want to say more, my insides feel like they are bursting at the seams with feelings, but at the same time, I feel speechless. I have often wondered, how do you keep talking about someone who lived so short a time? But, at the same time, I don't want to quit talking about him.
My sweet, sweet M,
how I miss you!!!
I wish I could give you a million hugs
and kisses for real, but these will have to do
until we are together again.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Love, Mommy
Friday, December 12, 2008
Birthdays
Both my babies birthdays are fast approaching. It's strange, to have them so close together and to mean such different things.
In talking to my mom about A's upcoming day, I realized the thought in my mind about the upcoming event was, "We made it to one!!" I realized that part of the celebration for me is that she is still alive! We made it a whole year! That sounds like some dark thoughts for a momma to have, doesn't it? However, it is who I am now. Believe me, I wish I could walk around with supreme confidence that A is mine to keep for the whole of my life, but I am much too aware of how quickly your joy can be taken.
I never want to let my fears and worries overtake my life. I want to laugh in the face of them and go on my merry way enjoying every second of life and time. But it isn't always easy. I have had a few work days where I call an extra time, just to check up on A. And even now, there have been a few times when she is sleeping where I must put my hand on her chest, she just seems so still and quiet. I could probably tell you a hundred other things I do that might seem odd to others.
*sigh* It isn't easy, is it?
In talking to my mom about A's upcoming day, I realized the thought in my mind about the upcoming event was, "We made it to one!!" I realized that part of the celebration for me is that she is still alive! We made it a whole year! That sounds like some dark thoughts for a momma to have, doesn't it? However, it is who I am now. Believe me, I wish I could walk around with supreme confidence that A is mine to keep for the whole of my life, but I am much too aware of how quickly your joy can be taken.
I never want to let my fears and worries overtake my life. I want to laugh in the face of them and go on my merry way enjoying every second of life and time. But it isn't always easy. I have had a few work days where I call an extra time, just to check up on A. And even now, there have been a few times when she is sleeping where I must put my hand on her chest, she just seems so still and quiet. I could probably tell you a hundred other things I do that might seem odd to others.
*sigh* It isn't easy, is it?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Feel like sharing
Both Mr. g and I have attended our local Walk to Remember every year since M died. It makes me so sad, and yet, I get so much out of it as well. It is one day where M is center stage and all the people there who have not lost a baby are the freaks. This year, A was there, and it made me feel good to share in remembering her brother with her.
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