Two

How is she already 2? Happy Birthday A!!

Four

I feel strangely silent this year. Nothing I say says as much as this - I wish he was here.

Happy Birthday, M.

Channeling Jackie

I was struggling at work the other day, and I started to think about Jackie Kennedy and her losses. I knew her last loss was a premature baby, and I started wondering how premature he was. I googled, and came up with this interesting piece. (I'm also wondering how far along she was with her stillborn daughter if anyone knows) It might sound strange, but often when I am having a hard time, I think of other people, who have hurt like this, and go on thriving, not just surviving. Of course, who really knows what private demons Jackie faced, but it helps me to reminded that you can go on, and maybe not be so bitter that it oozes out of you, repelling everyone you know.



The article says her baby Patrick was 5 weeks early. In this day and age, it doesn't seem like much does it? He was 4 lbs. 10 oz. when he was born, just about a pound or so more than M weighed. What was Jackie thinking when she realized she was going into labor? Did she have some small sliver of hope or did she already feel resigned to the possibility of tragedy given her other losses? I have to admit, I felt resigned to it, when I started to strongly suspect that this baby wasn't well. Of course, somewhere in the far, far back of my heart, I wanted to be wrong and have hope, but.....I already knew the truth. Babies do die, that fact doesn't shock me the way it did with M.



Did I ever tell the details of finding out with this last baby? I was scheduled for a special ultrasound. I just could not shake the feeling of dread a few days before my appointment. As soon as we got into the room, I mentioned my feeling. The u/s tech didn't exactly pooh-pooh me, but she said it was normal, given my experience. She turned on the machine and started to measure his head. I said, Can we please just check his heart? But I'm not sure why I asked, he already seemed to be too quiet. I KNEW. I knew before the u/s tech did, because I KNOW these things happen, and that a mother's dreadful feelings are not always just a product of fear, but a product of knowledge that can't be taught, but only learned through broken hearts and tears. So she moved the wand a bit, and I honestly think she thought she was going to be able to laugh teasingly at my feelings and reassure me. But the picture on the screen quickly shoved that giggle back down her throat. I KNEW. I didn't really need her to show me, except to verify what I felt so strongly.

Is that what happened to Jackie? When she felt those first stirrings of labor did she panic, or just prepare herself for more heartbreak? When her baby was born alive, was hope born again for Jackie as well? Did she start to think maybe there was a chance this baby was coming home?

And later, how did Jackie cope with all those other Kennedy babies? Not to mention whomever else she was around that was still having babies. We have friends who are planning to start trying next year. I have no idea how I will get through that. About 9 or 10 years ago, I had 2 friends who were die hard childless by choice women. What I wouldn't give for some friends like that now. Did Jackie ever wonder about the family she should have had? Did she ever feel bitter about the toll physically of multiple pregnancies but not as many children to show for them? My body certainly looks like I should have more children in my home. And it isn't just weight gain, its something else altogether. My hair isn't as shiny, my teeth not as white, I look tired enough for 4 pregnancies and 3 children in 4 years, but when you step into my home, only A's presence greets you. Though I am sure no one ever thinks this much about me, sometimes I wonder if people don't get my rundown looks, my tiredness, you know, considering I only have one child.

It might sound silly to some, but thinking of her, I did get through my work day okay, and I went home with positive thoughts of my future with only A, and the pure enjoyment I get when I am with her. I am a roller coaster ride of varying emotions, but I am working very hard at making a happy life with what I have got.

Don't you sometimes just want to say the crazy thing?

I took A to the bay today for a little walk, and some playtime on the playground area. We were having a great time, partially because we had the whole area to ourselves for the most part. As a side note to this post, I have to say, one of the hardest things about mothering for me, is other peoples children. I never know how much attention they should be paid when they start trying to hang out with your kid on the playground. Not to sound unfriendly, (but lets face it, I am) when I go somewhere like that with A, I just want to enjoy hanging with her and playing with her, I don't want to worry about somebody else's kid.

For a short while, there was a little girl and her younger brother there. I would say the girl was about 5, maybe 6, and the boy just a year or two younger. (I swear, the close in age siblings are everywhere) I was honestly paying them no mind, when the little girl decided she wanted to play with A. She starts doing the hanging around too close to you thing. I didn't really respond unless she really pinned me down, forcing me to say something to her. As A is so much younger than her, she really wasn't too interested, but more interested in continuing her quest to climb things that make her mom hyperventilate. The little girls mom started calling her, telling her it was time to leave. The little girl was talking up a storm, about some imaginery story/world she made up. The mom smiles at me and says, "She has an vivid imagination" I smile and give one of those Ha Ha's and continue paying attention to my child. Then the mom says, "thats why I have 2, so they can play together" I give the same response as before. I decided it might be just a tad weird to say, "well, I don't have 2 (or 3) because my babies just keep dying on me!! Have a nice day!"

Well, at least I make myself chuckle in my own head.

Hurting

It's catching up to me. I'm hurting, and very, very angry. And, I'm trying to work with it. I know I have to do this, so that maybe I can go on to have a happy life, enjoying my A, and not wishing, at least not too much for things I can't have.

What I want is to be over it. I don't want to obsess over what I don't have, rage childishly over the goddamn unfairness of life, feel a freaking twinge everytime I see or even think of siblings close in age, or feel so empty. I do want to just accept it. Just accept that this is it, this is my life, and then I want to be happy. I want to feel okay when I have to see or hear anything pregnancy related. I want to be totally fine with A being my only, and not even think about what her and I don't have. I want to see things for newborns and think only, "A is too big for that", not "Christ, this hurts, why the hell don't I have my babies, why the hell can't I have another happy ending pregnancy?"

I'm fooling myself though. That I can just be there, automatically. But, I want it so bad. And even though I know I won't always feel like I do today, I can't imagine a time when I will have total acceptance, and that sucks. I hate, hate, HATE wanting what I can't have. Seems so pointless. It is pointless to wish you were someone else, someone else with a different story. That is what I have been feeling lately. Just wish I could be somebody, almost anybody, different.

I still entertain notions of trying again. Is that crazy? I have actually thought of discussing it with the doctor. (Guess I'd have to call her back to do that though, right?) But....with every thought of doing it again, it is followed by a thought of no, I can't do it again. And, I don't know what voice I should listen to. I guess the no voice. I mean, really, it just makes the most sense. And, I start to think, well, if I only have A, then it will be so fun, she will have all of me, no sharing attention, no not going to D.isneyland because the family doesn't have the money, no any of the things that happen because everything, time, money, desserts, have to be shared.

I find myself doing that, listing positive things about having and being an only child. It's my new hobby.

I'm scared. Scared to even really think about being pregnant again, scared to end it this way. Scared even just a strong wind will blow me over, and I won't be able to get back up.

Faking It

The email I opened today:

You still out there??? It has been forever since we talked. Last I heard you had bought a house and (mr g.) was working really hard to get it ready for you all to move in. That must have been 6- 8 months ago! How is A? How are you?

I am pregnant again. :) Due in May. H (her daughter) just had her 1st birthday. Time is flying.

Love,
(a friend)

My reply?

Hi (friend),

I only have a sec, (at work) but I just wanted to say Congrats! on your pregnancy and a BIG GIANT HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! to H.

Love, ms. g

I didn't tell her. And I don't know if I'm going to.

What the dreams mean

Let me start this post by saying thank you for all the supportive comments, and thank you, Tash and Coggy, for checking on me. As we all know, life doesn't stop just cause you're hurting, and my reason for not posting again sooner is my usual. Little Miss A has a heck of a time letting her mom have a turn on the computer. I am so glad we decided to put it in the 3rd bedroom when we moved to this house, as we can close the door and she can forget all about the computer.

I'm not exactly sure what to talk about or where to begin. I'm sitting here again, but it does feel very, very different. I'm terribly sad, yes, but for some reason, I feel unable to address it or even talk about really. Am I in denial? Maybe, but I can't seem to stop myself. Plus, I have a little person to care for, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for one to mull over her hurts. I did have a bad day yesterday. I think it was because my doctor called to talk to me. It was just a message, but for some reason, I felt frozen by it. That is why I think I must be in denial. Its like I just can't GO THERE. If I talk to the doctor, then I have to talk about what happened, and what is the point of that, I think to myself.

When I am feeling bad, I keep thinking it would be so much healthier if I would just CRY already, you know? But instead, it is just the deep sinking feeling of all out misery that hits me. Oh, and anxiety, that something will happen to A one day and any reason I have for going on will cease to exist. The two most likely go hand in hand because my misery sets in usually when I have to leave her to go to work. So, in my 20 minutes of alone time while driving, I try to let myself feel bad, because I know in the end it is FOR THE BEST, but in creeps anxiety as I drive further away from my sweetie. I want to be one of those people that lost, and so goes on saying, "LIVE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST!" you know, without worry, just enjoy A. Reality is, I am not one of those people, at least, not right now.

I seem to be doing a bit better FACING IT, than I was, as I finally told my family the baby's name. At first, I cringed inside when they used it, but I seem to be getting better at hearing it roll of someone else's tongue. I myself have only said it about 3 times. Can't do that yet, can't speak his name out loud for goodness sakes, and ADMIT that I lost another baby.

Oh yeah, the admitting. I went to the support group this month, thinking I needed it again. But when I got there, I realized I didn't want to tell anyone. Could only think, "I am going to freak out all the people who have had only one loss and still have hope for a living child" I am a freak, even among the dead baby mamas now. Or at least, that is how it feels. And that feels lonely. I did go, and I did say the truth. And even though I left feeling angry and bitter, and planning never to go back, a week has made all the difference, because I can FEEL that those 2 hours released something in me and made it better somehow.

I had a dream the other night. In the dream, Mr. G and I were getting ready, for a night on the town, or maybe an event like a wedding, I couldn't tell. We were freshly showered, feeling like we looked polished and ready. We ended up having sex in the dream, before we left. And then the dream ended. It wasn't a sex dream, I realized as soon as I woke. It was a dream filled with a reminder, of an easier time, when spontaneous sex was still on the menu, and I laughed with ease at being in a social situation. I know what I long for. The ME I was BEFORE. The one who still believed the future was rich with possibility. Many of us know the envy feeling, the one we get when we see the carefree pregnants, or the mother of the kids we SHOULD have. But, the other day I saw a young girl, maybe college age, standing in a group of friends, chatting and laughing. And for a moment, I wanted to BE her, still young, and fresh. I could only think, "she still thinks one day she will have babies with ease" And I want that again. When life wasn't full of hurts, shock, and disappointments. And yes, by wishing away everything, it sounds like I am wishing away A too, for of course, she is part of the equation. But I try not to waste too much guilt on that. I know, as I hope you do, that it really has nothing to do with A, just my own feelings of trying to find my way on a road I didn't even know existed, much less that I would be on it. It some ways, it does strongly have to do with A, because I cannot describe the worry I feel about providing a happy home for her, filled with laughter. And I cannot tell you how many times I wonder what kind of parent my children would have gotten, if only.....who would I be as mom if I had never lost? Better? or Worse? Those things run circles in my mind everyday it seems.




*By the way, I still haven't called back the doctor. Yes, I am turning the situation downright awkward, but words still get stuck in my throat when I think about dialing her number....Any suggestions?