And just when you think you turned a corner....

I was ready.  Ready to to have the conversation with Mr. G about making our birth control permanent.  It took a awhile to get here.  I went on the pill after IZ died, even though I hate it, partially because I knew I could not handle another pregnancy, but also because my period had become hell on earth since I lost him and I was hoping the pill would help regulate it.  At that time, I wasn't ready to make it permanent.  I was still hurting and harbored perhaps wistful thoughts of....Maybe....but after a little over a year on the pill, hating it just as much as in my early twenties, and working on making peace with having one living child, I was ready.  I have quit the pill.  And it's great.  Except Mr. g doesn't want to go permanent.  Okay, slight snag, now I am thinking about me going permanent.  As I think it over, I start thinking I should be the one anyway.  After all, I'm the one who "can't" have living kids very easily.  And, though it took lots and lots of time to get here, I really believe I am happy with my family, and dare I say? even glad I have only one kid.

Except, as I am researching information on a woman getting her tubes tied, I find myself fantasizing about having another.   In my fantasies, it is great, of course, because what else would a fantasy be?  I try to talk myself down,  I know how hard it would actually in real life, no sitcom ending, be.  Not to mention that truthfully, I am not sure I can afford another kid anyway.  But the fantasies keep on coming.  I guess the dream never really dies a true death.  It never ends, does it?