Thank you to all of you who reminded me that this was my blog, to let out whatever I so choose. Having said that, I think I will hold off on my explosive post. It is just something I need to turn over in my mind more. The truth is, I think I do want to post in the hopes of getting forgivness or comments that say, "don't feel so bad...." and I am not sure that is a good reason to expose myself so much. I keep thinking I should be able to deal with this, I should figure it out.
Please don't start hating me for being so cryptic, but this does have to do with my medical history, so that is why is still comes up. I'm sure some of you will have guesses as to what it could be, but guesses are not knowledge, so I am okay with that. I am angry and upset because I don't know why it still gets mentioned. I had my first NST the other day, and it got brought up, and not only that, it was written on this little sticker they stick to your baby's heartrate chart! Why??? I get why I might need to discuss this with my doctor, one on one, but not in a lot of other instances. What a lot of this comes down to is my fear. See, my mom doesn't know this about me, and she is the one that has mostly accompanied me on doctor visits this pg. due to Mr. g's current job situation. So, will this be an issue at all NST's? Can I not bring my mom? And what should I tell her, about why I don't need her to come anymore?
This fear is something that has come up before. When I had my m/c, (almost exactly a year ago to the day, by the way) both Mr. g and my mom were sitting in the pre-op area with me before my d and c. It was a room lined with curtains, between each bed, similiar to the NST room, now that I think about it. Privacy? HA! Just before the doctor came into my curtain, a nurse came and informed me I was only allowed one person with me. My mom left so Mr. g could stay. Literally seconds later, the doc comes in, starts talking to me, and says, "I see you have.............(fill in blank). Ummmm....yeah, it that really that pertinent here? I remember in the midst of my sadness over my m/c feeling utter relief that my mom had just left.
I'm sure some of you don't understand this. I mean, really, I am a grown woman, right? And I still shake with fear over my mother finding out something about me that was well over 10 years ago? I know, I know, for those of you who think this, you so have a point. But the bottom line is, I don't want her to know.
This is partially why I am so upset. Does this really have to come up, over ten years later, on my daughters NST readout? I had a long talk with Mr. g last night, and while I love talking to him, he did the typical man "solve the problem" thing. He suggested I tell question the nurses and ask that that not be on there. Yeah, I could, but at the same time, I don't really want to draw even more attention to it. What I'd really like to do is change it so that that wasn't part of the equation. Why are we talking about this? Will it change my treatment? I can say with absolute certainty NO. However, it might change they way I am personally treated by some hospital staff.
I hate that this bothers me so much. I hate, hate that it is there. I hate that I feel like I will pay for the rest of my life. I hate that I have such a problem leaving the past behind and not letting it bother me so much.
Mr. g asked me last night, "Does it bother you, as in YOU personally?" Truthfully, I don't think so. I have made a lot of peace with it for myself. But it is private and personal and no, I don't want to deal with others judging. And this is something others judge quickly. Very quickly. And it is one of those things, that like loss, is a deep and hurtful reminder of how damn unfair life is. I struggle with that enough. I don't need 10+ year old reminders.
I hate that this has been bothering me since Monday. Damnit, I really need to shell out for that therapy, don't I?