Thursday, November 1, 2007

Tougher than I thought

Halloween was a bit rough. I am honestly still taken by surprise at how meloncholy I can suddenly become. After all, I have already made it through the year of "Firsts". The first year of all those holidays I should have been having so much fun with him, and I wasn't. So, I am never prepared for the repeat sadness. Seeing little ones in their cute little outfits did something to me yesterday. I should count my blessings, because in our actual neighborhood, we don't get a lot of tricker or treaters, so once I got home for the evening, my exposure to the kids was toned down.

I also was thinking about my m/c yesterday. Another surprise for me, wasn't expecting that either. My m/c took place just days before Halloween, and I was remembering how depressed I was on Halloween day last year. I went to my mom's that evening after work, thinking family company would be better, but that was a huge mistake. Her neighborhood has a fair amount of young children, my sister's friend actually came by with her little brother, and, to top it off, my other sister informed me that my ex-boyfriend had called to "see how everyone was" a few days prior. His wife was about to have their first baby. That was last year, so this year, I was determined to stay away from my mom's. Like I said, I was really surprised how down I felt yesterday. The good news is, once I made it home, my heart felt better. Home can be such a safe place for me. I put back into the living room some photos of M that I had removed due the fires. I was waiting for the fires to be more fully contained before I started unpacking all I had packed. Last night seemed like a good time. I missed seeing M's little face while I sit in the living room.


Monica said...

Halloween was the first real holiday without Jimmy and it was tough. All the cute kiddos in their costumes. It was hard. But we grow by going through it. We grow. Wishing you strength and I can't wait to see pics of the baby next year in a Halloween costume.

niobe said...

Halloween is such a child-oriented holiday that it's not surprising that it evokes losses and thoughts of what might have been.

Julia said...

This week seems to have been tough on a lot of us. I am sorry.