Tougher than I thought

Halloween was a bit rough. I am honestly still taken by surprise at how meloncholy I can suddenly become. After all, I have already made it through the year of "Firsts". The first year of all those holidays I should have been having so much fun with him, and I wasn't. So, I am never prepared for the repeat sadness. Seeing little ones in their cute little outfits did something to me yesterday. I should count my blessings, because in our actual neighborhood, we don't get a lot of tricker or treaters, so once I got home for the evening, my exposure to the kids was toned down.

I also was thinking about my m/c yesterday. Another surprise for me, wasn't expecting that either. My m/c took place just days before Halloween, and I was remembering how depressed I was on Halloween day last year. I went to my mom's that evening after work, thinking family company would be better, but that was a huge mistake. Her neighborhood has a fair amount of young children, my sister's friend actually came by with her little brother, and, to top it off, my other sister informed me that my ex-boyfriend had called to "see how everyone was" a few days prior. His wife was about to have their first baby. That was last year, so this year, I was determined to stay away from my mom's. Like I said, I was really surprised how down I felt yesterday. The good news is, once I made it home, my heart felt better. Home can be such a safe place for me. I put back into the living room some photos of M that I had removed due the fires. I was waiting for the fires to be more fully contained before I started unpacking all I had packed. Last night seemed like a good time. I missed seeing M's little face while I sit in the living room.