So, after 2 days of feeling a lot of stress over the decisions I have to make, I came up with a coping technique. Today, I am 35 weeks and 6 days. They are not doing the version right now. They are not going to deliver me right now. So, I just need to get through the next week or so before I really have to decide anything. I'm trying to quiet my mind until then. It kills me to think of going to 39 weeks, c-section or vaginal birth. But, like I said, I am not close enough for them to take her at this point anyway. Around 37+ weeks, I will cover that ground. Not a very impressive coping technique, right? Well, heck, it's all I could come up with.
Now, the crazy thing I did. I, who can barely even go to the baby section in a store, went to that baby crazed happy place, B.abi.es R. U.s. I know, I know, I can't believe it myself. Here is how it happened- I had my NST this morning, and was trying to run some errands afterwards. One of the stores I wanted to go to is across the way from the B store, and I showed up 20 minutes too early, they were not open yet. So, rather than sit in my car, I decided to go in. I think what made it possible were two things. One, it was very early, and not very many people were there. Two, I had a very specific reason. I know the car seat I want, and was planning to order it online and have it sent to my mom's to avoid the whole public buying of baby items. However, after reading some online reviews, a few people had mentioned the fact that the seat was larger than some models and may not work well in a small car. Not only is my car compact, but only a 2 door. (yes, I want to change that, but it just isn't possible right now) I had a vision of struggling to wiggle a car seat out of my tight backseat, and decided I needed to actually see the seat in person. So, the B store is a good place for this.
It wasn't too bad, actually. And I looked at some other items while I was there, but didn't buy anything. I came close, but honestly, I think I didn't buy anything not for emotional reasons, but because I wasn't certain I wanted some of the items I found, and decided to think about it more. The only bad thing was that I did stay in there long enough to see the store get more crowded with the mommys and their babies crowd. I felt a little freakish, kept thinking of my car in the parking lot with its pregnancy and infant loss rememberance ribbon. I know that I don't know any of these women's historys. I mean, they could have had losses, but it is hard to talk yourself out of the freak feeling.
I'm glad it wasn't a bad experience and that no one talked to me. (so not ready for that!) I might be able to go back and get the seat and save myself shipping and handling.