Differences

Mr. G and I are very different. Always have been. That fact has always worked out well for us. He is strong in certain things, I am strong in others, and it compliments well.

I am noticing in this pregnancy, the differences are starting to annoy me. In our grief over M, I respected our differences and was aware that we would not handle everything the same, and I had to accept that. It might be pregnancy hormones, but I am finding difficult to accept that he doesn't want to do everything exactly like me in regards to baby girl.

Example: I talk of "if" baby girl comes home, when the topic of her coming home arises. Now before anyone think I can't think positive, it isn't that. I see it as realistic. I don't say it with negativity or sadness, but with the matter of factness born of the knowledge that not all babies do come home. I focus very much on my happiness of being with her NOW, I don't focus or even talk much about the finish line. But when I do, it's "if".

Mr. G's family has been annoying me because I feel like all they talk about is when baby girl is home. Well, she might not be coming home, remember M? Can we just be happy for right now? And love her now? And cherish her now? All their talk centers on "when baby girl is here...." fill in the blank.

When I mentioned this annoyance to Mr. G, (did not specifically mention his family as the perpetrators) I did so because he joins in this talk, and that annoys me. His response? He likes it, it makes him feel hopeful.

Okay, Okay, I should accept this difference. Well, I am annoyed. Rational? Probably not. I just think everyone should do what I do, and keep me comfortable, okay? Now how big a brat am I in your eyes now?

Told the in-laws

Last night we finally took the plunge and told the in-laws. Or, at least, some of the in-laws, they were not all present. I probably don't need to tell you that I regret it this morning. Actually, I regretted it the moment Mr. G opened his mouth.



Where do I begin? I have the obvious and now expected "now the baby will die" feelings. I just hope I can put some of my other feelings into words.

I guess the best way to start is to explain that for the most part, my family tends to strike good balances with me emotionally. They are excited, but also acknowledge my fear, acknowledge that yes, it might happen again. My in-laws tend to skate past the bad or uncomfortable things. When I made a comment that I would be talking to my doctor about not going the entire 40 weeks, they could not understand why. One of them actually said, "what if the baby comes late?" Ummm.......have you people not picked up that I will under almost no circumstances let my baby stay in here longer than I have to? That I would keel over from anxiety if the doctor even suggested that to me? So, after I made that clear, all I heard about was how maybe we would get lucky and have a Xmas baby. M was born just before Xmas. I know, I know, they mean well, they are just excited, I can tell myself all of that. But, please don't do that. Act like a "happy" scenario is the only thing we get to talk about. And we will just "forget" my unhappy scenario.

Did I mention we found out baby is a girl? I am thrilled! As I am sure many of you in my situation know, I would have been thrilled with a boy. At my in-laws, however, they make a much bigger deal out of gender than I ever would, especially now. Then all I heard was talk of it was high time the family got another girl, how she would be daddy's little princess (YUCK! I have some other issues with THAT crap), how their family would be more balanced with another girl...and on and on. Again, I know I sound harsh, but it is probably because I can't describe being there very well. It annoys me that they don't understand, I could give a rats patootie what gender my child is. I lost a baby, people. Do they honestly think I had a preference? My in-laws seem to think I did.

I just looked back over this post and I don't think I am describing my issues well. A lot of it is just because I know my in-laws, I have seen how they behave in the past, and I can complain about a lot of what they do based on this history. Both Mr. G and I brought up M and once referred to baby girl as his sister, so that made me feel better. I just want there to be balance. Just because we are excited about her, doesn't mean we are over him. Make sense? I'm not sure it does to my in-laws.

Thanks Mom

My doctor's appoinment this week: Everything is still looking good. I wish I could keep that good feeling for longer than I do.

My mom came with me this time. She had to leave work to do it. I was so glad, because I was very tense this visit. As we were walking down the hallway to check in, my mom asked if I had cash, in order to pay the co-pay. I said, I don't get charged. She was puzzled, we have the same insurance company she knows how it works. I saw her look and said, "I know, I don't get it either, but they have never asked for it. My sick sense of humor thinks, maybe when your baby dies, they give you the next one as a freebie"

My mom laughed. I am so glad she gets my sarcastic sense of humor.

The letter

My husband and I have had strained relations since M died with two of his family members, that we were previously close to. I'll call them A and N. It's hard for me to put into words, but to get down into the nitty gritty of it, the problems arose from them acting like nothing happened. They came and saw me in the hospital, and acted like they were visiting me at my house. I remember wondering why they came at all. Luckily, they didn't stay. That was the first clue. Then, as time went on, they made it worse and worse. I remember seeing them about a week after giving birth, and they expected us to be the same. It was very obvious. At one point, A had to come over to pick something up at our house, and she was so uncomfortable. She literally could not handle being at a house a grief. I remember she brought a friend and that angered me, I was in no condition to see people outside the family at that time. I couldn't believe this person, who we use to be close to, now couldn't see us without the protection of a friend.

So, time went on. About 6 months after M died, I started encouraging my husband to talk to them. This is how I deal. Some things in life you have to face head on, open up the dicussion, and clear the air. Especially with family, because unless you move away, it's pretty hard to avoid them. I felt it was better to let them know how we felt, how hurt we were, in order to have something of a relationship with them. At family gatherings, it was pretty obvious there was strain between the four of us, even though we smiled, hugged and said hello to each other. Better to get it done with, then let that fester, was my opinion. Did this talk ever take place? No. Because how my in laws deal with things is very, very different. They don't talk. They will just let it fester, including my husband. And, it not being my family, and not feeling in control of the situation, I let it go. I just figured we would never have much of a relationship with these two people ever again.

Yesterday, my husband received a letter from N. To sum it up quickly, it basically said she was sorry she wasn't there for us. So, of course, hubby and I had to have a discussion. He said we should try to talk to to them. Okay, but I think we need to clarify our thoughts. What would you say? Why are you angry with them? is what I asked him. I asked this because over time I started to suspect that my reasons for being angry with them varied slightly from his, though we never really sat down and dissected it. He told me he was angry because of all the people he thought would be there for us, he thought they would. That at least they would come talk to us after our loss.

This is where it gets complicated for me. See, my reasons for being angry with them have more to do with general acknowledgement. They acted as if nothing happened. Nothing at all. Tra la la....its another day. And in turn, they never acknowledged M. At all. Ever. In the year and half since he died, I have never once heard them utter his name. Hubby and I have made if very clear, in many ways, that we do talk about M, that he is a part of our family, that he is with us everyday, and that we will spend the rest of our lives keeping his memory alive. On his 1st birthday, we made a card. The card was not sad, it celebrated his memory and the happiness he brought us. Not a word about it. We invited them to a walk in remembrance our support group puts on. Did they come? No, and everyone else in the family did. I told hubby last night, it feels as though I only get to have a relationship with them if I don't make them sad and uncomfortable by mentioning M. Well, no. I will always choose my son over anyone else. I am not saying I'm right, or that my take on the situation is very mature, it is just my feelings. In fact, it feels downright immature to me in some ways, the way it feels like choosing sides.

His take was that they didn't know what to say, so they acknowledged nothing. That I needed to remember that they are a product of his family, and anything emotional they basically don't deal with. I can see that this is true. I was under the impression that the relationship I had created with them, let them overcome that a bit, at least with me. Even if they would have come to me saying they had no idea what to do at all, but at least just talked to me, I could have accepted that. I guess I was wrong about the relationship I thought we had. Plus, I told hubby, sometimes in life you just step up. Especially for the people you care about.

Before you think this is all about me, (too late, right?) the other part that hurts is they are M's family too. If not for me, can you act like you care that he died for him? For the relationship you would have had with him and are now missing out on? Part of what make their behavior so obvious is that there are young children in my in law family. They, these young kids, including some teenagers, the most notoriously selfish age, has shown more interest and care in M than A and N. They have asked to see his pictures, came to the walk, and just in general bring him up sometimes. If I ever have a living child, I know these kids will be comfortable when that child mentions an older brother. Because they think of M as their missing family member too. And that makes A's and N's actions hurt even more.

As the conversation between hubby and I went on, I got in touch with some anger feelings towards him for not trying to take care of this a year ago. Now, he is gung ho to "make up" and meanwhile my anger has gotten worse. I just feel frustrated because I am not sure at this point a talk will do any good. I don't think they have any clue about the acknowledgement issue. N's letter sure didn't indicate that. At one point, she brought up a time when she called us, months after, where she said, if there is anything I can do...Gee, thanks. And how heartfelt is your letter, when you feel the need to mention the ONE call you made? I can't force them to acknowledge their own family member, but for me, that is the big problem. This has made me really see them in a new light, how truly hard they try to avoid the emotional. Its actually sad. I now have seen they will never have anyone truly close to them. How can you in that state? I'm sorry I sound so angry, but, I gave up on them.

I can't help but feel that if the relationship resumes on their terms, it is a betrayal. Again, that is not a mature outlook, but I can't help it. I am overly protective of M in a sense. After our relationship died, I remember having feelings of, well, if I did have a living child, I certainly hope they don't think they are going to get to coo and be happy for me. I felt you take all my children or none. I know, know, how bad does that sound? So childish, yet, those are my feelings, bad or good, right or wrong.

The letter has thrown me. I was so ready to "save" the relationship long ago, but now I feel as though I have just seen an ugly side to them. I don't know that a talk will do any good. I'm not sure what the right thing is. Even in my own blog, I feel I have to defend my feelings. So on that note, lest anyone reading thinks they were not so bad, there were more things that happened that I didn't mention. If you did actually read this long, sad rambling, thank you. I know it is more of a personal vent/diary post, but I really needed to get it off my chest.