Friday, September 7, 2007


Mr. G and I are very different. Always have been. That fact has always worked out well for us. He is strong in certain things, I am strong in others, and it compliments well.

I am noticing in this pregnancy, the differences are starting to annoy me. In our grief over M, I respected our differences and was aware that we would not handle everything the same, and I had to accept that. It might be pregnancy hormones, but I am finding difficult to accept that he doesn't want to do everything exactly like me in regards to baby girl.

Example: I talk of "if" baby girl comes home, when the topic of her coming home arises. Now before anyone think I can't think positive, it isn't that. I see it as realistic. I don't say it with negativity or sadness, but with the matter of factness born of the knowledge that not all babies do come home. I focus very much on my happiness of being with her NOW, I don't focus or even talk much about the finish line. But when I do, it's "if".

Mr. G's family has been annoying me because I feel like all they talk about is when baby girl is home. Well, she might not be coming home, remember M? Can we just be happy for right now? And love her now? And cherish her now? All their talk centers on "when baby girl is here...." fill in the blank.

When I mentioned this annoyance to Mr. G, (did not specifically mention his family as the perpetrators) I did so because he joins in this talk, and that annoys me. His response? He likes it, it makes him feel hopeful.

Okay, Okay, I should accept this difference. Well, I am annoyed. Rational? Probably not. I just think everyone should do what I do, and keep me comfortable, okay? Now how big a brat am I in your eyes now?


Monica said...

If you are a brat, then I'm a mega-brat. My DH does the same thing. He's always so upbeat and positive about this pregnancy. He always admonishes me for saying "if" instead of "when". I think deep down inside our DHs know that lightening can strike twice (although it probably won't), and they are trying to pretend it can't. They probably do it because they think it makes us feel better. But what we really need is support.

Beruriah said...

My husband and I are definitely similar when it comes to this - although some days he's more effortfully positive while on others I am (made up that word, effortfully but it feels accurate). But everyone else is all about the "whens." Probably for the reasons Monica mentioned. Like you, I think, "um, remember last time?" It feels more like a betrayal than support. But for your husbands, I suppose they're struggling to cope, & figure out their role.

meg said...

You are so not a brat, Ms. G. I am of the "if" camp and my husband is of the "when" camp. The other day he said "The dog's going to like having a baby around." I looked at him with a blank look for a second and then I realized that he's talking about the para-trooper and he's taking about me! It seems so unimaginable to me--that there will be a live, take home baby--that it rarely makes it to the forefront of my mind.

I would be annoyed with the family stuff--thankfully we don't have to deal with that (they don't know). My husband really wants to have some hope too and he talks much like Mr. G. does. I just tell him, not to get his hopes up--but then I feel mean saying that too.

There is no easy answer for this, we just have to do whatever we have to do, to make it through this--with most of our sanity!

niobe said...

I don't think I'll ever think "when" about anyone's pregnancy ever again. It doesn't annoy me, but it makes me nervous when I hear people talking with complete and total confidence, seemingly oblivious that something might go wrong. Though, of course I do realize that in the vast majority of cases everything will be just fine.

Carole said...

I agree with Niobe...this whole thing has given me a new set of eyes. I don't think 'when' anymore.

You are not a brat at all. I have spent the last 9 years trying to train my husband...sometimes it works...sometimes...not so much.