Monday, August 6, 2007

Told the in-laws

Last night we finally took the plunge and told the in-laws. Or, at least, some of the in-laws, they were not all present. I probably don't need to tell you that I regret it this morning. Actually, I regretted it the moment Mr. G opened his mouth.

Where do I begin? I have the obvious and now expected "now the baby will die" feelings. I just hope I can put some of my other feelings into words.

I guess the best way to start is to explain that for the most part, my family tends to strike good balances with me emotionally. They are excited, but also acknowledge my fear, acknowledge that yes, it might happen again. My in-laws tend to skate past the bad or uncomfortable things. When I made a comment that I would be talking to my doctor about not going the entire 40 weeks, they could not understand why. One of them actually said, "what if the baby comes late?" Ummm.......have you people not picked up that I will under almost no circumstances let my baby stay in here longer than I have to? That I would keel over from anxiety if the doctor even suggested that to me? So, after I made that clear, all I heard about was how maybe we would get lucky and have a Xmas baby. M was born just before Xmas. I know, I know, they mean well, they are just excited, I can tell myself all of that. But, please don't do that. Act like a "happy" scenario is the only thing we get to talk about. And we will just "forget" my unhappy scenario.

Did I mention we found out baby is a girl? I am thrilled! As I am sure many of you in my situation know, I would have been thrilled with a boy. At my in-laws, however, they make a much bigger deal out of gender than I ever would, especially now. Then all I heard was talk of it was high time the family got another girl, how she would be daddy's little princess (YUCK! I have some other issues with THAT crap), how their family would be more balanced with another girl...and on and on. Again, I know I sound harsh, but it is probably because I can't describe being there very well. It annoys me that they don't understand, I could give a rats patootie what gender my child is. I lost a baby, people. Do they honestly think I had a preference? My in-laws seem to think I did.

I just looked back over this post and I don't think I am describing my issues well. A lot of it is just because I know my in-laws, I have seen how they behave in the past, and I can complain about a lot of what they do based on this history. Both Mr. G and I brought up M and once referred to baby girl as his sister, so that made me feel better. I just want there to be balance. Just because we are excited about her, doesn't mean we are over him. Make sense? I'm not sure it does to my in-laws.


Beruriah said...

Oh, I for sure understand. I know they are hopeful and excited, and mean to be kind, but this response is exactly the kind of behavior I was describing over on my blog. It feels dismissive. My first pregnancy's due date was Dec 24th Natan was born just after the New Year, and this baby is due on Dec 16th. I will never experience the "holiday" season without conflicted feelings. How did you manage to hide the information for so long? Are you not showing or do you not live near them?

I'm sorry it turned out to be as bad as you expected. In this case it happened to be my family annoying me, but usually it's my paternal in-laws.

niobe said...

I guess people do mean well. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. But when I read about reactions like the ones you're describing, I begin to wonder how people can consistently say such clueless things by accident. I dunno. Maybe people are just completely unable to imagine themselves in someone else's situation.

ms. G said...


I thought you might understand after I read your post on your family. You use the word dismissive, and that describes it very well.

As for hiding it from them, I am showing, but I actually did not see them that much recently. When I did, I just made sure to wear something that didn't make it obvious. I did find out that one of my sil's did suspect something a couple of weeks ago.

Monica said...

I get that a lot. The sort of attitude that says, "aren't you fixed now?" Like being pregnant fixes you or erases the loss you had. I'm glad you describe this baby as M's lil' sister. That is sweet.