Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Three

I can't believe M should be 3 today. Has it really been 3 years? Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes the memories feel so distant I can barely grasp them as reality.

It is still morning here and so far, I feel okay. His actual birthday has never been the hardest day for me. Yesterday, I felt the saddest I've felt in sometime. I felt sad, but also just on edge, I didn't want to go to work and leave A. Once Mr. g is home from work we will start our traditions for M. Picking out our tree, lighting our candle. I know I will feel better then, I always do when I actually get to do something that feels like it is for M. In some ways, I think this year has been harder than last year. I know some of that is the addition of A, seeing her can be a painfully obvious view of what I missed out on. And also, just combining the two, the happy and sad in my life. It is a strange balancing act.

I want to say more, my insides feel like they are bursting at the seams with feelings, but at the same time, I feel speechless. I have often wondered, how do you keep talking about someone who lived so short a time? But, at the same time, I don't want to quit talking about him.

My sweet, sweet M,
how I miss you!!!
I wish I could give you a million hugs
and kisses for real, but these will have to do
until we are together again.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Love, Mommy

14 comments:

Tash said...

Missing you, M. Happy Birthday.

Thinking of all you today, Ms. G. Holding you all in my heart.

Shana Runyan said...

Just a lurker that wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and M today.

Shana

loribeth said...

Happy birthday, M, & big hugs to you, Ms G.

Monica H said...

Thinking of you as you are missing M. I wish you a peaceful heart.

XOXO to you too,

Monica

The Turtle and the Monkey said...

Hoping you find peace and comfort today.

missing_one said...

Thinking of you and your precious M. *hugs*

janis said...

It's impossible to stop talking about someone you love, no matter how small, no matter how absent...
thinking of you...

Catherine said...

Remembering M with you and wishing you peace.

CLC said...

Happy Birthday M. You are loved and dearly missed. Thinking of you Ms. G and Mr. G and A too.

Julia said...

Remembering with you, and wishing you peace and a dash of joy as you fulfill your lovely and meaningful rituals tonight.

Michele said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am remembering with you, and sending my prayers up for you.

Beruriah said...

Thinking of you and M and A, Ms. G.

I'm sorry I didn't stop by yesterday.

You don't have to quit talking about him, Ms. G. Never ever so long as you still want and need to.

Amy said...

A little late, I am. However, your little one will never be forgotten.

Thinking of you all.

Rosepetal said...

I am late too for M's birthday. I am thinking of him today. Missing you MG. ((((hugs)))) Ms G.