Both my babies birthdays are fast approaching. It's strange, to have them so close together and to mean such different things.
In talking to my mom about A's upcoming day, I realized the thought in my mind about the upcoming event was, "We made it to one!!" I realized that part of the celebration for me is that she is still alive! We made it a whole year! That sounds like some dark thoughts for a momma to have, doesn't it? However, it is who I am now. Believe me, I wish I could walk around with supreme confidence that A is mine to keep for the whole of my life, but I am much too aware of how quickly your joy can be taken.
I never want to let my fears and worries overtake my life. I want to laugh in the face of them and go on my merry way enjoying every second of life and time. But it isn't always easy. I have had a few work days where I call an extra time, just to check up on A. And even now, there have been a few times when she is sleeping where I must put my hand on her chest, she just seems so still and quiet. I could probably tell you a hundred other things I do that might seem odd to others.
*sigh* It isn't easy, is it?