Both my babies birthdays are fast approaching. It's strange, to have them so close together and to mean such different things.
In talking to my mom about A's upcoming day, I realized the thought in my mind about the upcoming event was, "We made it to one!!" I realized that part of the celebration for me is that she is still alive! We made it a whole year! That sounds like some dark thoughts for a momma to have, doesn't it? However, it is who I am now. Believe me, I wish I could walk around with supreme confidence that A is mine to keep for the whole of my life, but I am much too aware of how quickly your joy can be taken.
I never want to let my fears and worries overtake my life. I want to laugh in the face of them and go on my merry way enjoying every second of life and time. But it isn't always easy. I have had a few work days where I call an extra time, just to check up on A. And even now, there have been a few times when she is sleeping where I must put my hand on her chest, she just seems so still and quiet. I could probably tell you a hundred other things I do that might seem odd to others.
*sigh* It isn't easy, is it?
3 comments:
While I can't relate directly from experience, I can relate in that I imagine I will be the same way. I already bought a SIDs monitor and this new baby isn't even here. I never even thought to purchase that when I pregnant with Hannah. Much love to you during the holidays and your babies' upcoming birthdays. It's a truly difficult time of year.
I can't speak from experience either, but I can tell you that I check to make sure my dog is still breathing. She's all I have right now.
I'm so sorry I've been scarce here, and here you are, rounding up on a(nother) year already.
It's not easy. I realized that in spades this weekend. And I really don't know what one can do; can't lock them in the closet, have to leave the house. I'm not really sure when the anxiety eases up, if ever. I'd like to say "I don't take life for granted!" but it feels an awful lot like a heart attack most of the time.
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