Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Delayed Anger?

Well, yesterday turned out the be the hardest year of M's birthday yet. Only one person in our families called. Now, I have been saying for a long time that it didn't matter to me if no one called or remembered, because I didn't need them to. Maybe I lied to myself. I should clarify that in the past 2 years, only 2 people from mr. G's side* called anyway. One of his sisters and a good friend of his, who isn't family, but I count him as "on mr. g's side". They didn't call. And I was disappointed. Wait!! That isn't actually true, his sister** did call us, only to tell us that a house we had a put a bid on went to someone else. A house I really liked.

Is it is weird that I was annoyed with her for telling me yesterday? It felt like another disappointment on a day that I walk with vulnerability anyway. And of course, no mention of M in her conversation. I felt terribly sad and angry. We were having dinner after making a stop at the beach, but before we went to pick out our tree, and after the call, I just wanted to go home. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and I felt such an overwhelming sadness.

We didn't go home, I mustered up the energy to finish our traditions for M. As the evening wore on, I kept thinking about my anger over and over in my mind. Am I asking too much? Are they asking too much, expecting me to be *better* than I am? I know you don't "get over" this. I know that. But sometimes I feel like I am going to be that person who they whisper about, "No, don't go talk to ms. g, she won't quit talking about her dead baby, I mean hello! that was so many years ago, she has living children to talk about!"

Okay, okay, I get it. Who wants to talk about and remember a dead baby? Well, besides the dead baby's mama? Except, REALLY? You really expect me to somehow move past the fact that heart was ripped was its core? That everything I ever once believed was shaken off their foundations? That not only did I lose a child I never got the chance to really know, but that I lost myself? And that even now, 3 years later, I am still trying to figure out who the hell this new self is? I'm supposed to move on from all that in a mere 3 years?

My next thoughts led me to their children. Yes, I go to the birthday parties, but I don't call them on their actual birthdays and say I am thinking of them. Is that the same thing?

This is what scares me. If it feels this way to me in 3 years, what will 10 feel like? Will I only be able to say his name here? Will I always be the freak because I refuse to forget him?

The part I really hate is that in some very small way, I understand them. He wasn't their son, they don't feel the ache of his loss as intensely or frequently as I do. But, on the other hand, he is such a large part of my life that if he isn't included even a very small way with our dealings, how close can I be to anyone?

That was my day, summed up with a lot of feeling. When M first died, I wanted time to move on, because I knew I would get better at dealing with it. Now, I am not so sure I should have wished for that. I'm finding the more time passes, the hard times just change shape and I don't know how to deal with that either.

*I have to be totally honest and fair here. Only 1 person from my family called, but that doesn't make me as annoyed. It isn't fair, but I feel that way because in my side of the family, M is mentioned and talked about frequently. I never feel like I have to say his name in a whisper there, and he is costantly mentioned as A's brother. At my in-laws, I mention his name, and everybody gets silent with depressed looks on their faces. I guess I just feel his birthday is the day when we can openly talk about M.

**I have to do an update here. She ended up calling us the next day, apologizing to Mr. G for forgetting to mention M's birthday. She said she just got so caught up in the house stuff, that it slipped her mind, but that she was thinking of him. Even though I was here when she called, she ended up calling a bit later and left a message on our machine apologizing to me. In her message she said she felt really bad. Then, at the end of the message, she said something else. I missed most of it, because her voice lowered and I couldn't pick up on all her words. This is what I heard, ", I better hang up before I say something stupid" If I had to guess, it might have been something regarding feeling lucky for what I have, meaning A, and appreciating her and hopefully A helping me feel better. I think that only because she has made similiar comments since A's birth. Nothing too offensive, but still. I guess I should just be glad she called, right? Except, it frustrates me to no end that people think A makes it all better. A is her own person, not a replacement. My heart still aches for the one that should be here, making A laugh. Thank goodness for this community of people who understand.


missing_one said...

I don't think anyone expects you to be over it. I think people's memories fade and just like they forget birthdays for others they probably forgot M's, unfortunately.
You have every right to be angry. It sucks that people continue to let us down even though we understand they don't mean to.
Just sucks.
Wishing you strength and peace during this very gloomy part of the year.

CLC said...

I am so sorry. I imagine your thoughts are probably pretty spot on for most of us. I would be angry too. Hell, I opened a christmas card from my aunt today that said "congratulations" and I got mad because there was no mention of Hannah. Totally irrational on my part, but I don't know how we could help it.

Monica H said...

My aunt (who loves the boys almost as much as I do- is that possible?) forgot Sam's birthday in August. I even talked to her on that day and she didn't even mention him. I purposely didn't either because I wanted to see if she remembered. She didn't. It hurt my feelings, but I have to understand that they have their own lives to worry about. Our dead babies aren't important to them. They never knew them. They never dreamed of their lives and futures the way we did. And as hard as that is for us emotionally, it's the truth. Our babies are not theirs, and they'll never care the way we do.

That being said, I'm so sorry that his day was so difficult for you. I though of you and M, if that makes things any better.

Michele said...

You arent a freak, and of course you will always remember him. Everyone should remember. It hurts when they either choose not to say something or truly have forgotten. I'm so sorry. We will always remember M with you.

Julia said...

I am sorry they all let you down so badly. I think you have every right to feel angry and betrayed. As I am coming up on two years, I am wondering who will remember...
We here remember M, of course, but it's not the same as family or real life friends.

Rosepetal said...

Yes A is definitely her own person, M's little sister, not replacement baby. The thing is, if M had died when he was 10 and A was 8, I think people would react a lot differently. I remember my Dad all the time and no-one seems to have a problem with that. Why? Because he was 68 when he died? Because they knew him personally? Probably the latter I guess but I don't know why people can't at least intellectually understand even if they can't emotionally understand.

Maybe in time only the knowing will still understand. But we will always understand.

I also feel like I don't know who this new person I am really is.


loribeth said...

I am sorry. But, sadly, not surprised. I wish things were different, for all of us who feel that our babies have been forgotten by the rest of the world. (((hugs)))