Well, yesterday turned out the be the hardest year of M's birthday yet. Only one person in our families called. Now, I have been saying for a long time that it didn't matter to me if no one called or remembered, because I didn't need them to. Maybe I lied to myself. I should clarify that in the past 2 years, only 2 people from mr. G's side* called anyway. One of his sisters and a good friend of his, who isn't family, but I count him as "on mr. g's side". They didn't call. And I was disappointed. Wait!! That isn't actually true, his sister** did call us, only to tell us that a house we had a put a bid on went to someone else. A house I really liked.
Is it is weird that I was annoyed with her for telling me yesterday? It felt like another disappointment on a day that I walk with vulnerability anyway. And of course, no mention of M in her conversation. I felt terribly sad and angry. We were having dinner after making a stop at the beach, but before we went to pick out our tree, and after the call, I just wanted to go home. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and I felt such an overwhelming sadness.
We didn't go home, I mustered up the energy to finish our traditions for M. As the evening wore on, I kept thinking about my anger over and over in my mind. Am I asking too much? Are they asking too much, expecting me to be *better* than I am? I know you don't "get over" this. I know that. But sometimes I feel like I am going to be that person who they whisper about, "No, don't go talk to ms. g, she won't quit talking about her dead baby, I mean hello! that was so many years ago, she has living children to talk about!"
Okay, okay, I get it. Who wants to talk about and remember a dead baby? Well, besides the dead baby's mama? Except, REALLY? You really expect me to somehow move past the fact that heart was ripped was its core? That everything I ever once believed was shaken off their foundations? That not only did I lose a child I never got the chance to really know, but that I lost myself? And that even now, 3 years later, I am still trying to figure out who the hell this new self is? I'm supposed to move on from all that in a mere 3 years?
My next thoughts led me to their children. Yes, I go to the birthday parties, but I don't call them on their actual birthdays and say I am thinking of them. Is that the same thing?
This is what scares me. If it feels this way to me in 3 years, what will 10 feel like? Will I only be able to say his name here? Will I always be the freak because I refuse to forget him?
The part I really hate is that in some very small way, I understand them. He wasn't their son, they don't feel the ache of his loss as intensely or frequently as I do. But, on the other hand, he is such a large part of my life that if he isn't included even a very small way with our dealings, how close can I be to anyone?
That was my day, summed up with a lot of feeling. When M first died, I wanted time to move on, because I knew I would get better at dealing with it. Now, I am not so sure I should have wished for that. I'm finding the more time passes, the hard times just change shape and I don't know how to deal with that either.
*I have to be totally honest and fair here. Only 1 person from my family called, but that doesn't make me as annoyed. It isn't fair, but I feel that way because in my side of the family, M is mentioned and talked about frequently. I never feel like I have to say his name in a whisper there, and he is costantly mentioned as A's brother. At my in-laws, I mention his name, and everybody gets silent with depressed looks on their faces. I guess I just feel his birthday is the day when we can openly talk about M.
**I have to do an update here. She ended up calling us the next day, apologizing to Mr. G for forgetting to mention M's birthday. She said she just got so caught up in the house stuff, that it slipped her mind, but that she was thinking of him. Even though I was here when she called, she ended up calling a bit later and left a message on our machine apologizing to me. In her message she said she felt really bad. Then, at the end of the message, she said something else. I missed most of it, because her voice lowered and I couldn't pick up on all her words. This is what I heard, "A....appreciate.......now........well, I better hang up before I say something stupid" If I had to guess, it might have been something regarding feeling lucky for what I have, meaning A, and appreciating her and hopefully A helping me feel better. I think that only because she has made similiar comments since A's birth. Nothing too offensive, but still. I guess I should just be glad she called, right? Except, it frustrates me to no end that people think A makes it all better. A is her own person, not a replacement. My heart still aches for the one that should be here, making A laugh. Thank goodness for this community of people who understand.