Tuesday, November 27, 2007


I'm not really speechless, just at a loss for words that can describe my emotions of the past few weeks. I've started a hundred posts in my head recently, that I just don't have to heart to actually write. I realize how dark they all sound. How easily my terror slips through the words.

I am now just past the point of where I lost M. It doesn't make me feel better, just slightly less assaulted by memories. In some ways, I could call it worse. Now, I am even closer to that elusive ribbon, the finish line, where on the other side is a living baby. I want to cross that, but I can't picture it.

I have the most morbid thoughts. I am almost ashamed to admit them. I start to plan, in my head, some coping techniques, you know, *just in case*. The part that scares me is, I don't know how I would survive. Of course, if you had asked me before M, could I survive my baby dying and giving birth to him, I probably would have answered no. I guess part of what scares me is the urge to let myself get sucked into a deep dark hole and just disappear would be very strong. It was strong when M died, but honestly, Mr. g and to a somewhat lesser extent, my family, kept me from doing it. I had to *cope* in one way or the other, because I felt a responsibility not to add to their grief and worry. And while others may disagree with me, I don't see that as a bad thing. Whatever gets you out of bed in the morning, you know. But if it were to happen a second time, ahhh, well, I'm not sure that would be enough. I once read an article on grief and the author claimed one of the top worries was, "Will I survive?" And as somewhat selfish and narcissistic as that sounds, I found that to be true. I experienced many a moments where I wasn't quite sure I would come out the other side. Frankly, I am not sure I have. Everyday could bring something new.

See? I start to write my dark feelings, and re-reading it scares me. I'm living with them everyday, but seeing them written down, in public no less, frightens me. Then mother guilt kicks in, and I feel the need to apologize to baby girl for essentially planning her death. But it is all I know.

Yesterday, at the doctor's, one of the nurses started talking to me about preparing for breastfeeding. She's right, it would be better if I learned more about it in advance. Scares me though, everything scares me. I started reading breastfeeding books with M before I even got out of the first trimester, if you can believe that. Hopefully, some of that stuff has stuck with me, just in case I can't make myself do it.

I try to be forgiving with myself, give myself permission to feel what is, no matter how *crazy* it feels. I mean, so what I can't read about breastfeeding yet? So what I haven't bought a dang thing? That is what younger sisters are for, to run out and buy stuff while you are in the hospital. I need to remind myself that none of that means I am not bonding with baby girl. I'm bonded, she just doesn't own stuff. I try to make a joke of it, saying I am trying for the record of *Most unprepared mother ever*. I'll probably fall right after those woman who *suddenly* give birth in restroom, claiming they never knew they were pregnant.


Julia said...

I am no expert, but from where I sit, all of this is very normal. And yes, owning stuff is not a measure of love or of bonding. Tell them to take a hike. If you'd like that is.

I told my OB's nurse that loosing another will probably break me. So entirely not unusual or strange in any way. I think preparing for the worst is our defense mechanism. Trying it on, as it were.

Beruriah said...

I get it. I have stuff now only because we live too far away from family to get it right after the birth and they forced it on us. It's not great, but okay, to have around. But Julia's right - the stuff is not a measure of love.

Tricia said...

As hard as it is the reality that we all know, is you do survive a loss. It's not pretty. It's horrific but you survive. Be it one, two or more losses.

During my pregnancies after loss, I was afraid of surviving another loss. Of having to live in that intense grief again is enough to cause anyone extreme panic.

Just as there was no right or wrong away to do anything after your baby died, there is no right or wrong way to handle a pregnancy after loss. Do what you want. Think what you want.

My sick joke that I would repeat to people..."well, I was optimistic the first time...so I'm trying the pessimistic route this time".

niobe said...

And babies don't really need all that much stuff anyway. I'm glad to hear you're letting yourself feel whatever you feel. Because everything you say sounds completely reasonable to me.

meg said...

All this makes total sense. I would be exactly the same way.

And you are right, that's what younger sisters are for!

Carole said...

I totally second what Niobe said.

We never get to see the world the same way again.

Sending you good thoughts.

Lori said...

You just roll with it however you need to! There is no rule book for this sort of thing, and everyone is so different anyway. The baby will be oblivious to the lack of "stuff', and honestly I gotta say I'm not really sure what you can do to "prepare" for breastfeeding anyway. It will be just fine if both you and baby girl figure out things as you go along- it is what you would end up doing anyway.

I am thinking of you.

charmedgirl said...

please, don't let the dark stuff frighten you into editing. don't worry about us. we're all stark raving mad lunatics.

as for the baby items, they will come. breastfeeding...reading about it is NOT the same as doing it. sometimes the preconceived notions screw it up the most. in fact, here's a cliff-note version: be patient. it will probably hurt at first, and getting the kid to latch-on correctly may be frustrating. it will all work out if you don't supplement. when you decide to wean, you will feel infinitely guilty. between the beginning and the end, it's pretty nice, and convenient, too. the end.

somehow that question, "will i survive?" will probably suit any outcome at this point. even the wonderful live-baby one you are going to have.

~Denise~ said...

You feel how you need to feel. You are doing what you need to do to get through each day and this time. It's okay to be scared.