I had some interesting thoughts today as I crossed the parking lot walking back to my car from the NST. I passed a car that had one of those family stickers, where every member of the family has a stick figure representing them. Under the people stickers, it said, "our blessings". Let me tell you, just by glance, one could see that they have a lot of blessings. My eyes fell to their license plate frame which read-"6 girls, 2 boys". Wow. 8 kids. Both Mr. g and I are from 5 each, and that seems like a lot.
I realized, as I kept walking, that I was feeling waves of jealousy. Ever since M died, I notice I have felt envy at large families, envy at people who started younger, who have many years to create a large family. Might make you think I always wanted a large family, right? Nope. Actually, I have never been sure of what I wanted, and in fact, spent a few years not sure I wanted children at all. It certainly wasn't something Mr. g and I ever pursued with a passion in our 20's. We always had a whatever happens, happens, attitude, although honestly, we have that about many things.
So, what is going on? I lose M, and all of a sudden I want 8 kids? That is why I titled this post replacement. I can never replace M. NEVER. He is missing from our family, I feel that so sharply day in, day out. I have heard/read many other women who have lost a baby express similiar feelings. They cannot replace the baby they lost. Period. So, no, I don't mean that kind of replacement. I think I mean, just replacement of the possibility of laughter and happiness. I think somewhere, deep in my mind, I start to believe that if I can just have many happy endings to many more pregnancies, it will help somehow. It isn't true, of course. I believe it is just the hole in my heart, still struggling to fill up, somehow.
In my thinking, it probably also relates to the jealousy I feel over people who just have their family, no roadblocks or sudden stop signs were thrown in in their path. Get pregnant=bring home baby, in their world. I believed that was the way it was going to be for me too, until I learned it wasn't. I never once entertained even the idea that I would struggle to create my family. Stillbirth? NO WAY. That was one that never entered my mind. Miscarriage? Thought of that, but didn't think it would happen to me. Stupidly naive, wasn't I?
But back to 8 kids. It's almost funny when I feel these feelings. I don't think I really want that at all. Nevermind the fact that we couldn't afford it, and Mr. g would have a severe breakdown if I even suggested it. (He keeps saying if baby girl comes home, he's done, but that is another post) Also, to be totally frank, I haven't parented a living child yet. Maybe I won't like it enough to do it again, who knows? Replacement. That is what hit me today. Except I know, logically, not even 20 children could fill the hole in my heart for one.