Wednesday, November 21, 2007


Here we are again. Thanksgiving is another holiday that has become rougher for me. Heck, who am I kidding? This whole damn time of year is rough. Being pregnant is magnifying that roughness too.

I have pictures we took at Thanksgiving when I was pregnant with M. I love them, but they make me sad too since they are the last pictures where I know for sure he was still alive. We took some later, in December, but there is a chance he was already gone then. Thanksgiving marks something for me, in M's timeline. I had just found out he was a dwarf about 2 days before. At Thanksgiving that year, I was just past 31 weeks.

This year, on Thanksgiving, I will be 33 weeks and 6 days. Which is the exact day during M's pregnancy I found out he died, except the date was in December. The timing of it all is a bit much for me. The picture, the age of my babies, the memories.

After M died, I did not, under any circumstances wish to get pregnant around the same time of year following, for fear the memories would eat me alive. It became a non-issue, as Mr. g wasn't ready to try again for some time. When I fell pregnant this time around April, I knew the pregnancy would mimic M's in time of year very closely, and in fact there are just about 3 weeks difference in their due dates. But, I thought it would be fine, being as I was in my second year of empty arms. It has been harder than I thought, and the holiday season makes it harder still. Big, uncomfortable Christmas shopping, I remember this.

On Thanksgiving, my family has a tradition that we go from person to person at the table, and tell what we are thankful for. While pregnant with M, of course I was thankful for him, thankful I found out he was a dwarf, and that it wasn't something more serious for his health. Last year, I burst into tears at my turn. I was feeling so bitter it was hard to be thankful for much. The only thing my heart was truly thankful for was my supportive husband and family, but even that was hard to express in the midst of my hurt and anger. I remember listening to everyone else at the table and dreading my turn.

This year, yes, it may be easier. However, I am still struggling with this. I am truly thankful for the time I had with M. Grateful for every single second, and I wouldn't give one of them back. But, I am still so angry and bitter that I didn't get more. So what do I say at the table? I am thankful for M? I am, but he isn't here, I don't have him now. I am thankful for the time I had with him? I am, but I always want to add, "even though it wasn't nearly enough"


Julia said...

I am sorry. This is tough. And it never is enough.
Wishing you the right words tomorrow, and a peaceful rest of the holiday season.

Monica H said...

Just say what is in your heart...

meg said...

I hope that your Thanksgiving was o.k. this year. I'm sorry it's so hard. And I know, it's never enough time, is it?

niobe said...

Hmmm....I guess, now that you mention it, I'm thankful that I didn't have to sit at the Thanksgiving table with all my siblings and hear how thankful they are for their new babies.

It is a difficult season, made especially difficult for you because of your memories.

Carole said...

I know I share the same sentiments. The things we are thankful for are wrapped in sadness.