Fires and Grief

Over the last few days, watching the news, I became struck by something. I feel our community doing the moving on bit that people love so much during tragedy. The fires are not yet fully contained, but besides the few quick updates on their status, what you mostly hear on our local tv news and radio stations, are tidbits on how wonderfully everyone responded, how many people are back home, how the football team with still play in our hometown, even with the bad air. In fact, a few days before the game, one newscaster said, and I quote, "The big question on everyone's mind is- Will the team play in town on Sunday?" THAT was the big question?

It got me thinking about the people who did lose a home, pets, and those few unfortunate enough to know the human victims of the fires. It isn't over for them, not even close. Their journey is just beginning. It reminded of when M died. See, after the initial grief of finding out and him being born, it was over for many people. They went home, lived a normal day. Mr. G and I had barely taken our first step on the path. Not only that, we are still on that path and will probably always be, in some way or another. Now, no one can truly live your life, feel your feelings, walk in your shoes, so it makes sense that this is the way it is. Why wouldn't everyone go home to live a normal day, a normal life? It isn't their pain, no matter how badly they feel for you. At the same time, it makes me sad that our society is always in such a race to *move on*, *have closure*, get past the tragedy and go back to discussing fun things like football games. That attitude is what leaves the grieving and hurting feeling so far behind, so isolated. It must be why I have heard so many grieving people question their pain, question its validity. The flames still burn, but many people get to pretend they don't feel the heat.

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I am contemplating a post with the potential to cause explosions. It is a topic that many people feel strongly about, that many judge about. However, it is something that I have struggled with many times in the past almost 2 years. And something happened today to bring it to my attention once again. I am still turning over in my mind my reasons for wanting to post about this. It is something I have tried very hard to move on from, to forget as best I could. I don't talk about it in real life, so why here? Do I want to post for me, for others who may have a similiar issue, or (and this is the one I am truly afraid of) to seek forgiveness, to have people tell me it is okay? And that last one may not happen, if I open this door, in fact, I may get the opposite. Judging damnation from an unforgiving public.

So, to tread lightly on the post I am contemplating, do you have a past? Or a secret? Is it something no one would ever guess about you? Something people don't think fits their image of you? And does anything in your past make you feel sorry for yourself, that your things are something that must sometimes be noted, that can't be forgotten, while others have pasts far dirtier, but that they can hide forever? Yours is an almost physical presence, you can't truly run from it? Just wondering.

Some thoughts with a very small update

I don't have any organized coherent post today, so I am just going to go through some thoughts of mine. I am just so happy my computer has finally stopped giving me problems and I can sign in once again!!

*A very small update on doctor's office- After my last appointment, I was to make my first Nov. appt. with nurse-midwife, but the Nov. schedule was not open at that time. I had to call this week. Since I don't see the doctor until Tues., I decided when I called, just to tell the receptionist I needed my appointment with the doctor. That worked, it isn't like she had a note saying, "next appt. must be with NM". Also, my appointment was supposed to be in the week of Nov. 5th. However, the receptionist was having trouble with that week, so she booked me for Nov. 1st. That would be about a week after my Oct. appt. with doctor. I want weekly's anyway! What luck....

*More thoughts on doctor- I know for sure I will be asking the doctor 2 main things next visit. Can I start coming in every week? Can I just book with her for the rest of the pg.? Depending on her answers, we will go from there. I have decided that if she questions in any way my need to see her, I will just let her know the nurse midwife and I don't communicate well. I don't see the need to get into the whole last appointment issues. However, having said that, this is where I get into a small dilemma- the comment NM made about M's weight is really bothering me, and I would like to re-visit that. I need to know if they truly believe his weight was an issue. (which I am sure it wasn't, but if there is any more info to be given on his cause of death, I want to hear it) I also want to ask about baby girls weight. Doesn't it make sense she is bigger with my very early ovulation? All they are using for dating is last mentrual period. Well, I didn't ovulate exactly 2 weeks after. The dilemma part is I am not sure I know how to bring it up without displaying my distaste and anger at the nurse, and I don't really think it will do me good to go there. I guess my main point is, I am the kind of person that likes to get something accomplished without getting people defensive. I'm a big believer in the words and tone you choose can make all the difference...any suggestions on this front?

*I have been having these very complicated guilt feelings. I have been thinking of cleaning out and getting ready our second bedroom for baby girl as a *positive* thinking activity. My first feeling is how scary that is. My second feeling is guilt that I didn't really have much ready for M. I was very busy at the time and planned to start after the holiday season. Then, to add to that guilt, I feel guilty that I am not planning more for baby girl to come home. I feel like if I don't, she won't. I know this isn't logical, but I think there is a secret part of me that feels I jinxed M, by not being more prepared for him. What can I say? I never promised my feelings made sense.

*My other current dilemma is my thinkig I should stay busy in order to focus my thoughts somewhere else besides how long it feels to the end of December. Then I get to thinking, I don't want to be too busy, I need to pay attention to baby girls movements at all times. I am so afraid I will get too distracted and not notice something. This is so hard.

*My boss' niece recently had a baby and my boss has taken to showing me every little cute thing she is buying for her. I play along, and coo at the right times, but I always laugh a little inside. Should I tell her after five minutes in the baby section of a store, I start to have a panic attack and must leave immediately before I vomit?

*I must add, I actually started this post yesterday, my computer freaked on me in the middle and said it must shut down. I got so frustrated I didn't have the heart to come back until this morning. Thank goodness Blogger saves as you go!

My slightly off topic comments on society

I probably shouldn't even post this. But I'm going to because it is on my mind.

I can't even watch the news lately. It seems our society is going deeper in the hole. No one, and I mean no one will take responsibility for their actions. Everyone it seems can blame someone else, or is able to say, "But it's not fair I get in trouble because....."

It's not just the news. I work at a place where I am exposed to a number of children and their parents. I see the same thing. No one is teaching their kids to accept responsibility and face the consequences of their actions anymore it seems.

This concept was drilled, literally drilled into my head as a child. Besides being kind, it was probably the value my mother found most important. If my siblings or I got into trouble, it was rarely referred to in those terms, it was referred as facing the consequences of our actions. As we got older, if we chose not to do homework, or stay up late, my mother would not spend a lot of time trying to make us do it. She would remind us we were making a choice, and in the morning at school, we had to face the consequence of that choice. The wrath of the teacher, bad grades (which would come with their own consequence come report card time) and feeling exhausted the next day, which we then were not allowed to use as an excuse for not doing chores after school. Every action we chose, had a reaction.

The news and the children/parents at work at been bugging me for awhile, but I started to think about posting about it after attending our infant loss support group last night. A woman was speaking of the guilt. It was her fault, she didn't do this, she did do this, and so on. I think most of us who are in this boat, know exactly what she was talking about. When I spoke at the meeting, I admitted of all the things in my grief journey I have dealt with, the guilt and the blame are the concepts I haven't made much peace with. I spoke of not feeling M move right, of thinking he was too quiet in the days before we found out. And I did nothing. I didn't call the doctor. Last night was the first time I truly admitted those things. It was my fault. The consequences of this were, M died, and he had already been dead a few days by the time he was born.

Now of course, I know, in a logical sense, it wasn't my fault. But we are talking about feelings here. I probably will never truly forgive myself for not listening to my intuition. In case your wondering how this post connects, it's because last night I started thinking about how I shoulder the blame for something I probably truly could not control, that did not happen because of choices I made, but I can't seem to really accept that as truth. While the rest of the world is responsible for nothing. Maybe my mother's lessons worked too well.

Hmmm....I can't seem to put a title on this one. The computer won't let me. How weird, yet maybe appropriate, as I also can't seem to pin my thoughts down exactly.

Today is a bad day. I keep going through all the things that could go wrong in my head. I keep thinking about things that are not even my high risk issues. I hate days like this. Of course, I have a doctor's appt. later this afternoon, and my stress level is always high before I go in.

I am going to post some random thoughts.

I told myself I wasn't going to go to any appts. by myself, but the one where I had to bring my mom, I wasn't happy. I can't put my finger on it, because my mom and I are very close and she has been wonderfully supportive since M died. I just didn't feel comfortable with her there.

Today, I am going by myself as Mr. G can't, and my mom is out of town. Yes, I am scared this will be the time the baby's dead.

I have decided that upon hitting 17 weeks, assuming of course, things still look good, I am going to start going crazy and buying this baby stuff. If the baby has lots of stuff, he has to come home to use it, right?

Don't ask me why 17 weeks, as that time has no real significance to me at all, just seemed good.

If that doesn't make any sense to you, well, it doesn't to me either. M had hardly anything even though he only had 4 weeks left. I have asked myself why a million times. Did I know something was going to happen deep in my soul, or was I just too busy at that time?

Did anyone else make huge lifestyle changes because they thought they were going to have a baby at home? I work a different position at work, and live in a neighborhood and apartment I would not have chosen if I had not been pregnant. Those were two big changes I made in preparation for M's arrival. I may not have bought the little lad any clothes, but I gave him his own room and a mommy who would be home more with him.

I already think this baby is a boy, too.