Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Some thoughts with a very small update

I don't have any organized coherent post today, so I am just going to go through some thoughts of mine. I am just so happy my computer has finally stopped giving me problems and I can sign in once again!!

*A very small update on doctor's office- After my last appointment, I was to make my first Nov. appt. with nurse-midwife, but the Nov. schedule was not open at that time. I had to call this week. Since I don't see the doctor until Tues., I decided when I called, just to tell the receptionist I needed my appointment with the doctor. That worked, it isn't like she had a note saying, "next appt. must be with NM". Also, my appointment was supposed to be in the week of Nov. 5th. However, the receptionist was having trouble with that week, so she booked me for Nov. 1st. That would be about a week after my Oct. appt. with doctor. I want weekly's anyway! What luck....

*More thoughts on doctor- I know for sure I will be asking the doctor 2 main things next visit. Can I start coming in every week? Can I just book with her for the rest of the pg.? Depending on her answers, we will go from there. I have decided that if she questions in any way my need to see her, I will just let her know the nurse midwife and I don't communicate well. I don't see the need to get into the whole last appointment issues. However, having said that, this is where I get into a small dilemma- the comment NM made about M's weight is really bothering me, and I would like to re-visit that. I need to know if they truly believe his weight was an issue. (which I am sure it wasn't, but if there is any more info to be given on his cause of death, I want to hear it) I also want to ask about baby girls weight. Doesn't it make sense she is bigger with my very early ovulation? All they are using for dating is last mentrual period. Well, I didn't ovulate exactly 2 weeks after. The dilemma part is I am not sure I know how to bring it up without displaying my distaste and anger at the nurse, and I don't really think it will do me good to go there. I guess my main point is, I am the kind of person that likes to get something accomplished without getting people defensive. I'm a big believer in the words and tone you choose can make all the difference...any suggestions on this front?

*I have been having these very complicated guilt feelings. I have been thinking of cleaning out and getting ready our second bedroom for baby girl as a *positive* thinking activity. My first feeling is how scary that is. My second feeling is guilt that I didn't really have much ready for M. I was very busy at the time and planned to start after the holiday season. Then, to add to that guilt, I feel guilty that I am not planning more for baby girl to come home. I feel like if I don't, she won't. I know this isn't logical, but I think there is a secret part of me that feels I jinxed M, by not being more prepared for him. What can I say? I never promised my feelings made sense.

*My other current dilemma is my thinkig I should stay busy in order to focus my thoughts somewhere else besides how long it feels to the end of December. Then I get to thinking, I don't want to be too busy, I need to pay attention to baby girls movements at all times. I am so afraid I will get too distracted and not notice something. This is so hard.

*My boss' niece recently had a baby and my boss has taken to showing me every little cute thing she is buying for her. I play along, and coo at the right times, but I always laugh a little inside. Should I tell her after five minutes in the baby section of a store, I start to have a panic attack and must leave immediately before I vomit?

*I must add, I actually started this post yesterday, my computer freaked on me in the middle and said it must shut down. I got so frustrated I didn't have the heart to come back until this morning. Thank goodness Blogger saves as you go!

5 comments:

meg said...

I know this is really, really hard. I'm thinking of you. Just do whatever you feel you can and don't feel badly about what you can't.

Monica H said...

Congrats on your 2 appointments in a row. I applaud you for being assertive and telling the doctor what you want and need.

niobe said...

I wish I could go to the appointment with you. While, in general, I think it's a good idea to be tactful and not to make people defensive, on a issue an important as this, I would make absolutely sure that I get what I need to feel comfortable. If that's coming in every week and seeing only the doctor, I would just tell the doctor that that's what you need, and, say that, while it may seem irrational, any other option will cause you enormous stress and anxiety, making it difficult for you to concentrate or sleep or eat (this might not be totally true, but I bet it isn't all that far from the truth). No need to say anything about the NM.

Same thing on the questions you have about weight. You have a right to get answers. Just say it's something you've been thinking and worrying about alot. You don't have to say anything about the NM.

Bottom line: in many circumstances, it's a good thing to worry about other people's feelings. In my personal view: THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. This should be all about you and your needs, not making the NM or doctor comfortable.

Monica said...

Ditto on Niobe. It is your right to feel comfortable with your care and if you have any unresolved questions you should ask them. I felt so much better when I stood up for myself. About the nursery.. you could put some of M's things in a shadow box in baby girl's nursery. That way you don't feel like you are removing all of his things. Also, I think you can say to your co-worker , " I wish I could get that excited over baby things, but I'm not at that point yet." Maybe she will get the point.

Carole said...

I have to ditto what Niobe said as well. I imagine that is is all so hard. I sometimes feel that I jinxed Joseph as well...but I know it's not true. Just one of those things my mind likes to punish me for I guess. Thinking of you in the days to come...
~Carole
http://www.thejourneyfromhere.blogspot.com
http://accordingtocarole.blogspot.com