Thursday, March 11, 2010


When will I feel better than I do today?

When can I stop have crying jags in front of my daughter?

When will I stop feeling like the worst mother in the world?

When will I feel real joy again? Without effort?

When will A sleep again so I can wake up feeling like I'm starting the day at least at a 3 instead of 0?

When will I not have overwhelming anxiety?

When will I be able to visit a doctor and not be assaulted with memories of all the bad news?

When will I feel like I am strong enough to handle my grief and a 2 year old?

I know I can't be the old me, but I need to be a better me for my daughter, when will that happen?

When will I stop having so much fricking guilt over everything, including my parenting, that if guilt were calories, I'd weigh 500 lbs.?



Tash said...

I wish I could tell you when. I wish I could tell you definitively. All I can say is: someday.

If there's one thing I can try and cross off for you, it's the parenting guilt. Do what you need to do, and believe me, she'll be fine. In fact, she'll probably be better for it. Kids are resilient, and they need to learn it's ok to cry and feel sad. Do what you can, don't be afraid to ask for help, and please go easy on you.

Much love.

Michele said...

Oh hon... I dont know when... I wish I did. Someday. I know it will happen... It's been 9 years since our first miscarriage and 2 years since we lost Nick and Sophie, and a year since we lost Alex, and my pain and grief still are present... I cry in front of Bobby and Maya often. But I think it is good to get it out... To let them know that grief is okay, but it doesnt have to define us.

Sending hugs...

Coggy said...

It's horrible waiting for the someday. I wish I could say more to make things better, but I know I can't. Someday it will be better though. Please be kind to yourself and do ask for help from whoever you need to. You will get through this time. Much love.

tootertotz said...

I wish there were easy answers to offer to any of your questions.

Not sure where you stand on therapists but it may be an option to consider. They can bring strategies to help you cope and work through your pain. I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time.

CLC said...

I wish I could tell you when. But it will happen. I just don't know how long it will take. Hang in there G. And try to be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best that you can for right now.

Danny, Julie, Jack and Mari said...

Oh, god. Someday, I hope you have hope. You and I need a good cup of coffee and a few kid free hours to discuss. Of course, all the while our living children could play while not worrying, "What the hell is wrong with my MOM and why won't she shut up about all of this?!?" *at least that's what I think my kids say to me.