If you have a blog, that I have previously commented on, and you are pregnant, and lets just say you have noticed I have not commented much, or at least, not commented on any posts regarding your pregnancy, well, you may be right.
Of course, I have been avoiding talking about pregnancy from the normal people. I think we all have all done that. In fact, at work, a co worker's girlfriend is pregnant, and it was a topic at work the other day. He is young, still in college, the pregnancy was unexpected, etc., etc., so that was part of the conversation. I was doing a good job of not getting involved. Until later, when something about motherhood came up, and my boss, said, "you know, O got his girlfriend pregnant". I put on my game face, said, "yeah, I heard". And, I swear people, I really, really thought I was doing a good job, but I saw a look on her face and felt the retreat of conversation happen, and I thought, SHIT, does it really show that much? Does the painfulness of that type of conversation just wash across my face even when I am trying my hardest to be normal?
It took me a bit of time to realize that I was also avoiding pregnant after loss people. It took me a bit of time to admit that even from the those people, the news hurt. I felt like a bad person.
The path I walk now is so completely different than when M died. After M died, I still had a little thing we call hope. Hope, that one day, I would be pregnant again, and have a living child. Hope, that my family would still grow. Hope, that I could heal and maybe actually, GASP! talk about pregnancy and birth stories without wanting the floor to swallow me whole.
POOF! That's hope, going up in smoke.
Let us take a moment to address what I know some of you may be thinking. I know I have A. I know I did in fact get to have a normal pregnancy with a healthy living child. I know this. I know I am blessed beyond belief. I did to get to experience some normal feelings and talk about pregnancy like a semi normal person after having A. Believe me, it was fantastic while it lasted. I am just talking about some specific issues right now. I am not in any way diminishing my experience getting to have A.
To those of you pregnant after loss, I'm sorry. It isn't you, it's me. It does hurt, because I wish I still had those chances on my horizon. I feel the need to say though, that I figured out it isn't just hurt that stops me. I am unqualified to speak. Let's face it. Do you really want to hear what I have to say about it? Me, who lost again? There have been a few times when I read a pregnant after loss post, totally intending to comment and then, my tongue ties. What shall I say? It's like being interviewed for a position as a rocket scientist. I got nothing. Nice meeting you, thanks for the interview, let me let you get back to talking to the qualified people, the ones who still have hope, and have more to say than I do, that can launch a rocket to the moon.
So, that is it. Can I make a blanket, wish you well, and leave it at that? Because, you know I DO wish everyone well.
I can't seem to learn how to accept this. And yes, I know there are other women out there, who ended up with one child, or even no child, or like me, just ended their childbearing in such a negative way, but some days, it can feel like I am the only one.
This post feels a bit self pitying. I get tired of my own whining. On the other hand, I hate that I feel like I need permission to feel bad. God, I am so screwed up.