Sunday, March 21, 2010

Same road, different view

"Hi, I'm ms. g, and I have 2 dead babies."

It feels this way sometimes, like a 12 step meeting, and I have face facts that I, do in fact, have 2 dead babies. Because sometimes, I just honestly don't believe it. Sometimes, I can't believe that A made it. I want to ask her, what was her secret? How did she survive the disaster that is my body/womb?

Grief, the second time, can be so familiar on one hand, and yet, other times I am navigating in dark, new terrain.

You know that feeling that many of us have when our babies die? That we are the only ones this has ever happened to, that no one really understands us? I have that much worse now. So many people who had a loss around the same time as I lost M, have gone on to have the second after loss baby. And even those who haven't, still consider having another. I have not met very many people who are done through circumstances not their choosing. Then, there is A. I do have A, so I don't really fit in much with people who do not have their after loss baby yet. On top of that, when talking to people whose loss is new and they are trying again, I feel almost guilty telling my story. Hey! Here is something else to add to your worries, it CAN happen again, and you have living proof sitting right in front of you!!

As for the "regular" people, well, when I lost M, I thought they could make it difficult to grieve openly, because you know, they just didn't get it. Now, in hindsight, I think they were generous in their permission. Now, I get the, "Well, at least you have A", "Be thankful for A", "Just enjoy A", and my favorite, "Maybe god only meant for you to have A" (yes, this was actually said to me, although not by someone close to me, and I was able to roll my eyes and move on instead of falling apart) Sometimes, I find myself agreeing with them. When I forget to be kind to myself, I berate myself with negative messages about how I am not enjoying A enough, I am so busy being sad about what happened to me. When I remember kindness to myself, I can remind myself that I have the right to be sad, and that in fact, I can do both simultaneously, enjoy A and wish it were different.

It's hard to feel like I am back to being the neediest person I know. When you are going through loss, it can feel like you take, take and take some more from the people you are close to. You don't have much to give. That is okay, once. But, it can start to feel selfish when you are there again a mere 4 years after the first time.

Remembering two babies often feels too sad to me. When M died, I loved all the memorials to him. The pictures in my house, the jewelry, etc. Now, that stuff seems exhausting and too depressing to contemplate. I had a bracelet with M's name on it. Now I have an image of a woman with an armful of bracelets crawling up her arm. This feeling seems to be changing a bit with time. (don't they all change with time?) I have been considering getting a pencil portrait with my 2 boys together and putting that in house, and only that, as my one single remembrance of my lost family. Haven't really decided yet. I don't want to forget them, (is that even possible?) but the urge to focus exclusively on A is strong.

I'm navigating everyday the best I can.


CLC said...

I don't know what to say Ms. G. I can't imagine the pain of going through this twice. I know this sounds childish of me, but it just isn't fair. You should't have to go though this once, let alone twice. I hope you can find some peace. My thoughts are with you.

Catherine said...

I stopped reading blogs for a while. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm so sorry that you felt/feel alone. I'm just so sorry.

Tash said...

I'm sorry I'm so late to this -- the armful of bracelets really struck a chord with me because I'm now wondering if my situation heads south whether I'll look that way as well. Bracelets, charms, candles, piles of papers/cards/handprints . . . after a while you must wonder if this is truly what babies are, just ephemeral tokens of passing through.

Sending you much love. The best everyday is all you can ask, and if "best" is "taking a shower and not screaming" than good for you.

Megan said...

I hear you, Ms G.
I should be focussing on my gorgeous son - who's playing with his dad in the sun at the park while I chainsmoke on the porch and read deadbaby blogs. I put him to bed then start washing tranquilizers down with red wine.
I'm going through my third loss - my daughter was stillborn at term, then a miscarriage, then my living son and now another miscarriage that dragged out over a month and ending with a bloody night in the ER.
I'm just starting to feel like something is really wrong with me, not some misarragement of clotting factors or chromosomes but some deep,black thing in me that kills babies.
So, yeah, you're not alone. I have a living kid I should - and do, really, really, really - feel lucky to have.
I'm not quite ready to stop trying but it's just around the corner.
I'm starting to feel so old and tired and sick of being pitied and pitying myself.

Neisha said...

**hugs** to you. I know your pain. In a 14 month time I had 4 miscarriages though none of them were past 10 weeks. You do need time to grieve, those were your babies you lost. Don't feel guilty if it takes awhile to feel like you're back to normal. It's been almost 5 months since my last miscarriage and though in some ways I feel back to normal, there are other ways that I don't think I ever will.
I do have 2 children already and I feel very blessed. I also get those "be thankful" comments from others and it makes me mad. Of course I'm thankful for the children I already have but that doesn't have anything to do with the grief I feel for the babies I wanted and lost.
I know that I have found much comfort in knowing that there are others who are going/went through what I did and it's a comfort to read their stories.