Tuesday, January 26, 2010

In Due Time

Today is M's official due date. Of course, just 2 or so weeks before his death we found out he was a dwarf, so he was to be a schedule c-section about a week before. After his death, I really didn't place a lot of importance on today, although of course, I would have a passing thought of him and his pregnancy. Today doesn't make me sad, but perhaps wistful, a reminder of a regular life, a regular time, when I still felt whole and normal, and pregnancy wasn't scary. Believe it or not, I actually thought I would have him later, as I come from a long line of woman who have overdue babies.

IZ was to be due on February 15th, 2010. That, of course is the 40 week mark. The 40 week date is for other woman, who don't have anxiety attacks at the very thought of leaving a baby in there that long. So while I was pregnant, I thought he would actually come sometime this week. If things were different, I would be 37 weeks and 2 days today. I think a part of me hoped he could be born this day, and that would be his connection to M. Their connection ended up being death. This might have been too early for the likes of my doctor, as she reluctantly gave me the choice of 37 weeks and 5 days as my earliest choice for A's birth. And, as we all know, I took it. So IZ most likely would not have been born today, but I know most likely this week.

Yes, it has been a very, very tough week.

I didn't know I had this much grief in me. You would think I would be a seasoned pro at this dead baby stuff. Not so much. I want to rush past this, "I should be....." time.

To add to my sorrows, A has had a very tough time sleeping lately. Which means I have had a tough time sleeping. I spent this last week more exhausted than I think I ever was her first weeks. I haven't been the best mother these last few days. Sleeplessness, grief, stress, two year old normal behavior, take your pick, I could blame any one of these. I could write a whole post, maybe a book on the complicated feelings of not being your best with your living child and how that inevitably leads you down a path of darkness where you think perhaps you don't deserve her, and maybe you deserve not to have the children you don't.

But last night was better, both sleep wise and in my determination to reach a zen calm of motherhood. Both A and I woke more rested (though, not perfectly), but more importantly, with joy in hearts for calm evening we had.

I miss them. I miss me. I have picked up the phone to call a therapist a hundred times and never touched a button. I know I need something, but it doesn't seem like anyone can actually provide it.

Maybe I will call. Soon. In the meantime, I have been dabbling in practiced calmness. I have been trying a little meditation. (though I am more than novice) And I have been thinking of trying some alternative healing besides talk therapy. Any suggestions welcome.

My good night with A healed me for now. Neither M nor IZ is here, and one day I will feel more at peace with that than I do on this due date.

My prayer for now-

Help me get through these weeks with as much calm as I can muster


missing_one said...

*hugs* You have experienced enough grief for many lifetimes.

I had those same thoughts when J died and I wasn't being the best mother to my living son.

I think if you get out of bed enough to be there for you two year old, you are doing a great job.

I'm just so sorry.

Beruriah said...

Missing One is right. But I too know the feeling, but not this double grief.

I'm so sorry. I wish it weren't this way.

Baby Man's not been the best sleeper of late either, and I've been grumpy too. I hate those moments, when you think you should just be able to suck up your own tired cranky self for their sake, because, for goodness sake, they're here and that's all that matters. But we're too human for that. And you're doing the best you can.

loribeth said...

Sleep is a wonderful cure for any kind of ailment. : ) You've been carrying a heavy load this past while; no wonder you've been feeling down. I'd encourage you to give therapy a try. And keep up with the meditation. Have you tried yoga? -- I found it was very calming/relaxing.

(((hugs))) Thinking of you.

Michele said...

Praying for you and thinking of you...

CLC said...

I was going to second the yoga. Not that I am any good at it, but it can be calming for some people.

Thinking of you lots Ms. G. This is a hard week for you. I wish your boys shared a different connection.

PS. Of course you deserve all of your children. Baby lost mamas are allowed to be cranky too. We can't thank God for our living children every single second of every day.

Eric said...

I came here to tell you that I replied to the comment you made on my blog and found myself reading about your life...my heart goes out to you. You are a strong woman and I'm sending you all of the positive, uplifting energy that I can through these internet waves. Hang in there and definitely pick up that phone and call someone when you need to talk it out. Don't suffer in silence!


Monica H said...

Sorry I'm a little late on commenting but I'm thinking of you and sending hugs your way.


Tash said...

This time, regardless of the circumstances, is tough for anyone -- and with two tragedies sharing the same space it has to be overwhelmingly difficult. I'm not surprised to hear your tense and sleepless and exhausted. I can only offer the assvice of being kind to yourself, and understanding that you need to sleep during the day if need be (or least get a lie down), and a long bath, and the understanding that while the grief won't disappear, this particular moment will indeed pass. As for mothering A, remind yourself (and I will too) that children are resilient. If you need to go cry in the shower, go do it -- A will be ok then and later.

Zen may be a high bar right now -- I'd aim for functioning. But that's me. Much love.