I wish I could describe what my life is like. Except, I can't. It is so filled with swinging emotions from minute to minute, day to day. I can go from laughing and enjoying A, sad and heavy, grumpy and frustrated, peaceful, and on and on all in a matter of 24 hours.
Like today. I was looking forward to today, because I have been working every Friday, (instead of my usual every other Friday) and I was looking forward to more time with A this week. But when I woke, I felt sad and weighted down by the circumstances of my life. I had been dreaming, another "regular life" dream where in the dream I felt normal again.
What can really complicate it is the incredible amount of guilt I feel about feeling sad and less than happy. I look at A and think, "how could I not feel happy?" or least happy 90% of the time? Also, I think about terrible tragedies like what is happening in Haiti, and I feel guilt that I could ever sit and not be able to count my blessings.
Many days, those things do work. I find taking care of A to be an almost soothing ritual that calms me frequently, and, I am often able to think of people who have had horrible tragedies and remember to feel lucky for what I have. Some days, it doesn't work. Like today.