Friday, October 23, 2009

What the dreams mean

Let me start this post by saying thank you for all the supportive comments, and thank you, Tash and Coggy, for checking on me. As we all know, life doesn't stop just cause you're hurting, and my reason for not posting again sooner is my usual. Little Miss A has a heck of a time letting her mom have a turn on the computer. I am so glad we decided to put it in the 3rd bedroom when we moved to this house, as we can close the door and she can forget all about the computer.

I'm not exactly sure what to talk about or where to begin. I'm sitting here again, but it does feel very, very different. I'm terribly sad, yes, but for some reason, I feel unable to address it or even talk about really. Am I in denial? Maybe, but I can't seem to stop myself. Plus, I have a little person to care for, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for one to mull over her hurts. I did have a bad day yesterday. I think it was because my doctor called to talk to me. It was just a message, but for some reason, I felt frozen by it. That is why I think I must be in denial. Its like I just can't GO THERE. If I talk to the doctor, then I have to talk about what happened, and what is the point of that, I think to myself.

When I am feeling bad, I keep thinking it would be so much healthier if I would just CRY already, you know? But instead, it is just the deep sinking feeling of all out misery that hits me. Oh, and anxiety, that something will happen to A one day and any reason I have for going on will cease to exist. The two most likely go hand in hand because my misery sets in usually when I have to leave her to go to work. So, in my 20 minutes of alone time while driving, I try to let myself feel bad, because I know in the end it is FOR THE BEST, but in creeps anxiety as I drive further away from my sweetie. I want to be one of those people that lost, and so goes on saying, "LIVE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST!" you know, without worry, just enjoy A. Reality is, I am not one of those people, at least, not right now.

I seem to be doing a bit better FACING IT, than I was, as I finally told my family the baby's name. At first, I cringed inside when they used it, but I seem to be getting better at hearing it roll of someone else's tongue. I myself have only said it about 3 times. Can't do that yet, can't speak his name out loud for goodness sakes, and ADMIT that I lost another baby.

Oh yeah, the admitting. I went to the support group this month, thinking I needed it again. But when I got there, I realized I didn't want to tell anyone. Could only think, "I am going to freak out all the people who have had only one loss and still have hope for a living child" I am a freak, even among the dead baby mamas now. Or at least, that is how it feels. And that feels lonely. I did go, and I did say the truth. And even though I left feeling angry and bitter, and planning never to go back, a week has made all the difference, because I can FEEL that those 2 hours released something in me and made it better somehow.

I had a dream the other night. In the dream, Mr. G and I were getting ready, for a night on the town, or maybe an event like a wedding, I couldn't tell. We were freshly showered, feeling like we looked polished and ready. We ended up having sex in the dream, before we left. And then the dream ended. It wasn't a sex dream, I realized as soon as I woke. It was a dream filled with a reminder, of an easier time, when spontaneous sex was still on the menu, and I laughed with ease at being in a social situation. I know what I long for. The ME I was BEFORE. The one who still believed the future was rich with possibility. Many of us know the envy feeling, the one we get when we see the carefree pregnants, or the mother of the kids we SHOULD have. But, the other day I saw a young girl, maybe college age, standing in a group of friends, chatting and laughing. And for a moment, I wanted to BE her, still young, and fresh. I could only think, "she still thinks one day she will have babies with ease" And I want that again. When life wasn't full of hurts, shock, and disappointments. And yes, by wishing away everything, it sounds like I am wishing away A too, for of course, she is part of the equation. But I try not to waste too much guilt on that. I know, as I hope you do, that it really has nothing to do with A, just my own feelings of trying to find my way on a road I didn't even know existed, much less that I would be on it. It some ways, it does strongly have to do with A, because I cannot describe the worry I feel about providing a happy home for her, filled with laughter. And I cannot tell you how many times I wonder what kind of parent my children would have gotten, if only.....who would I be as mom if I had never lost? Better? or Worse? Those things run circles in my mind everyday it seems.

*By the way, I still haven't called back the doctor. Yes, I am turning the situation downright awkward, but words still get stuck in my throat when I think about dialing her number....Any suggestions?


CLC said...

Oh, Ms. G. My heart aches for you. You are not a freak, here or anywhere. I wish you could have that carefree person back too. It's hard to process that you have to live with this forever. I have no suggestions about calling the dr. Maybe he/she will tell you something that will allow you to process it more. You need to grieve at some point. I think it will catch up with you eventaully if you don't allow it to happen it now. However, I can see why you don't let yourself go there. You are probably afraid you won't be able to put yourself back together if you allow the crying to start. I wish I could give you a big hug Ms. G. You are in my thoughts every day. I pray that you continue to find the strength to get through this.

Tash said...

I know a lot of people loathe to go back in time, even given what happened to them, but I'd love to -- just 10-15 years, and just for a few days. To remember what it was when my cares and worries were so different (and from today's perspective, rather meaningless). To have that body back, that attitude, that strength -- just for a few days.

I get that.

I hope you can continue to go to group and find some sense of release there.

Thinking of you constantly.

Monica H said...

I think it's easy for me to tell you that you're not a freak for having lost again. But at the same time, I remember feeling that way too. I do pray that you find yourself again one day and that the pain lessens over time.

Continue to go to the support group pr don't. Do what you need to do for you at the moment.

I've added Baby G to the remembrance list on my blog. For now it's under Baby G but when you're ready or if you want, then I can change he name.

Hugs my friend,

loribeth said...

I get it too. I think it's natural to wish ourselves back to a simpler, more carefree time in our lives.

I hope you go back to the support group. I think it helps (but then, I'm prejudiced, I help facilitate one...!). (((hugs)))

Beruriah said...

Oh, Ms. G. I just don't have words. I've had dreams like yours, and I often think about "going back" in time as well. I don't know how to tell you how to grieve, how to pick up the phone and call the doctor, how to move forward. I do hope you'll go back to group.

No one there, none of us here, will think you're a freak. It's a horror that you've lost another baby, but it's a pox on the universe, not on you. It's just so damn unfair.

I'm sure you're a wonderful mom to A, and you remember M with such tenderness. Of course you're a different mom than you would have been. I understand the worry about providing a home of laughter for her, although I haven't loss two babies, I obsess over it for Baby Man, and am beside myself whenever my husband and I exchange words in his vicinity.

many, many hugs to you, Ms G. I'm sorry.