Friday, October 2, 2009

The End.

20 weeks and 3 days. That's how far. Then the baby died. I can't believe I'm sitting here in this spot again. I want to write a coherent post, but I feel stuck and have no idea where to begin my thoughts.

I guess I will start with the physical part. Save that messy emotional part for the end of the post. Since I am "on the cusp" of stillbirth, I got to choose, give birth to my silent baby once again, or have a procedure, of which I would prefer not to type out the name of to avoid the crazies, but the fourth and then the fifth letters of the alphabet is usually how it is shortened in talk.

I'm choosing the procedure. No, I don't know if I am doing the right thing, yes, I am worried I will regret not seeing him. But, I just couldn't. I just couldn't do it again, not when I had a choice. I think, especially now that I have had the other experience, you know, where your baby comes out crying and the room is happy, and the nurses say "Congrats!" No, I don't want to experience that silent grieving room again. And my other reason for choosing the procedure was A herself. I don't want to leave her overnight if I don't have to. What for? Having to do it for a happy occasion is one thing, but for this....well, no.

We found out yesterday, and here is the salt in the wound. I have to wait till next week for the procedure. My hospital doesn't do them, they contract out. I have to get some lab tests, and then make the appointment for next week when they have all my paperwork. I can't believe I am sitting here, typing this, still pregnant, but not really. I can't believe I have to somehow get through the next at least 3 days like this. Thank God for A, who will not be letting me mope around too much. One of my biggest fears is that in the next few days, my body will just try to go into labor and I will be forced to give birth anyway. I'm terribly scared of that.

So that is the physical. Can I even talk about the emotional? Where do I start? I am very sad about this baby, please don't think I am not, but I think what keeps making the tears flow, is the thoughts of This Is It. No more making babies for me. I cannot do this again. And even if I could, I feel a certain responsibility to my family. Can't make them do it again. Can't make Mr. G do it again. He wouldn't anyway. It would be nice to think I had a husband who would just say, "I'll support whatever YOU decide", but I don't. And honestly, I can't blame him at this point. I had to talk him into trying for A, and I had to talk him into this baby too. How do I deal with this? How do I not become bitter and sad that A is an only? Nothing wrong with onlies, not at all, but not if that is not AT ALL what you planned. Do you know how sad I've gotten when I have seen siblings out and about? Thinking about how A should have M here? How am I going to deal with that now? I can't believe my reproductive life is ending this way.

We do have a name for this baby, and I just asked Mr. G if he wanted to go ahead and give him the name. He did. And I do to, but for some reason, I don't feel ready to think of him as this person, this name. It is probably just denial. I don't really want to know or feel that my baby, my baby the person with a name is dead once again. I am struggling with this because our Walk to Remember is coming up and I am supposed to register in memory of the babies names. Do I add him yet? Do I give him a date? What should the date be? The day I found out, the day of the procedure, still unknown? A silly worry for sure, but I think that is me, straddling the line. I want to remember him properly, but then again, I don't. I want to close my eyes and make this all go away. My dead children outnumber my living ones. Make it go away.

54 comments:

Beruriah said...

Oh Ms. G. I am so, so sorry. I am speechless, but with you in my heart. Much love to you, and I will be here to remember your son, and to listen to you however and how ever often you want to share.

Tash said...

Aww fuck, hon, I am so sorry. And really wildly angry and feeling as though I've just been kicked in the chops. Not that you care remotely, but I concur with your rationale behind your decision (I would've either way, surely, but this is probably what I would've done).

You're all in my thoughts. Remembering your babies with you, always.

loribeth said...

Oh, Ms. G, I'm so very sorry. :( You owe nobody any explanations. Either way, the entire experience sucks, big time. :p

I wrestle with the dual-date thing too -- the day I found out, the day I delivered. That's the "official" date that's on all the paperwork, her cemetery marker, etc. But the other date is just as hard for me, if not even harder.

Bigtime (((HUGS))) to you. Please let us know how you're doing.

Michele said...

I am so heartbroken for you. This just gives me such an ache. I know that I could not have done the procedure, that in your situation, I would have the stillbirth so that I could hold my baby, but, no judgement here, I just want you to be sure. I know that there is no way to be sure. No manual to follow. No way to know what is right, wrong, or inbetween. I think that, no matter what we choose, we end up with regrets and wondering what else we could have done.

Oh honey, this hurts so much. I'm sending you prayers and thoughts right now and thinking of your little man with you.

Monica H said...

Honey, I am so unbelievably sorry that this is happening all over again. I hold you and your son in my heart today and always.

I wish you peace,
Monica

Julia said...

Eeeh... blogger ate my first attempt at the comment. Trying again.

I am so very sorry. I am here and I am feeling kicked for you, and realizing it's nothing compared to how you are feeling. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I am just so sorry.

I think your decision is yours alone, and it is the right one simply by virtue of you making it, in the here and now. It doesn't matter what you would've done at any other time in your life, it only matters what you need to do now.

I am sure this will be a horribly difficult weekend, and a week to match on the other side. Please come here to talk, if you need to, or email. There's not much any of us can do for you, but we can listen.

The Nanny said...

Oh no. I'm so very, very sorry.

Marie W said...

Oh my! I am so sorry.... I am weeping with you. Life is so unfair - it seems those who want babies the most-are those whose grasp seems to be so far from it. Thinking, praying and supporting you. {hugs}

CLC said...

Ugh, blogger just ate my comment!

I am so so incredibly sorry. I feel like I have been suckerpunched, so I can't imagine how you are feeling. I am praying for you and your husband and both of your little boys. It's just not fair that anyone has to endure this much pain. I am so very sorry.

Tina said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so unfair that you have to live through this twice. I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort to help you through this very difficult time. xx

Virginia said...

I am so, so sorry. It's not fair. I will hold you in my heart over the coming weeks.

Amanda said...

I am just so very sorry for your loss yet again. Its not fair to lose one baby but more than one is just plain awful. I know.. I am just so sorry that you have had to experience this pain more than once. Please know you are in my thoughts and give yourself time. (((HUGS))) and my deepest sympathy as you travel this road yet again.. :(

Reese said...

I am so sorry you are facing this again. You and your family are in my thoughts....

Jaded Girl said...

I grieve with you. Please take comfort in the approach you have chosen. It does not in anway negate the love of your child. I have had two mid trimester losses. Both were traditional vaginal births - but in one i choose not to hold my child and in the other I did.

I have no regrets - because I did what I could. I know my girls are with me in spirit and I know that compared to my love and longing for them, the method of birth pales in comparison.

Hugs and peace to you. Take it one moment - one breath - at a time.

J

G$ said...

no! Fuck, words can't even express...

My heart hurts for you hun. You are in my thoughts as you make it through this horrible time, again.

So unfair.

niobe said...

This is just so heartbreaking, so unfair, so incredibly wrong.

And I understand all about wanting to make things go away. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm so sorry. So very outraged, so angry, so frustrated for you.

And we both know there aren't better words, you get through this the way you can.

There isn't a right choice, you do whatever the hell you have to, and get through it.

Abiding with you.

HereWeGoAJen said...

I'm so sorry. This really, really sucks and there aren't strong enough words to say how much it does. I'll be thinking of you.

Bluebird said...

Here from LFCA.

I am so, so sorry. There are no words.

angie said...

I am just so so sorry. It is just so terribly unfair and heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you and your family right now. With love.

nh said...

I'm sorry. There are no more words than that. It's wrong, it shouldn't happen.

Jessica said...

Hello, I am here from LFCA....want to just give you a huge hug. I am so sorry. Sending may prayers and thoughts for peace during this time.

sonja said...

I am so incredibly sorry. So, so incredibly sorry. This is so unfair.


(here from LFCA)

AKD said...

Here from LFCA. I am just so unspeakably sorry for your loss. Prayers are coming your way.

Heidi said...

I am so so sorry. I wish I had something more to give you comfort.

all my love.

Delenn said...

Coming from the LAFCA. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Wishing that life would not be cruel to one who has already suffered this once. Wishing I could take away the pain. Thinking of you.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry for your loss...and your others as well. I wish there was something I could say that would make it better. You're in my thoughts.

Mo and Will said...

I am so so very sorry for your loss and for all that you have been through. That you're even able to type a coherent sentence amazes me and speaks to your incredible strength. Many of us are here, grieving with you.

Mo
from LFCA

JuliaS said...

I am so sorry. I wish there were better words to say than those.

Here from LFCA

Holly said...

I am sorry you are experiencing this again. I know it had to be hard to choose what to do. I am sending you a (((hug)))

k@lakly said...

Here from LFCA. I know there are no words that can ever make this better so I am just leaving stopping by to tell you I am holding you and yours in my heart and hoping that peace will find its way to your heart soon.
I am so so sorry.
xxoo

Hennifer said...

I am so sorry for your loss!
I hope you find peace in whatever manner you need.

luna said...

So very sorry. There are no words. Wishing you peace and healing.

One Who Understands said...

Your loss is more than one should have to bear in a single lifetime. I am so so sorry. Nothing could be worse. Keeping you in my prayers as you continue down this road.

Sue said...

I am here from LFCA. I am so very sorry for the loss of both of your sons.

Sometimes I wish I had chosen your route (as my sister did). But there is no good answer, no good choice. You have to do what feels right to you in this horrible circumstance.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I can't imagine going through such a loss a second time. I hope you will be gentle with yourself.

I will be here listening. You and your sons are in my thoughts.

Hope's Mama said...

Here from LFCA. My deepest and most heartfelt condolences to you. This is just so horribly unfair.
I am so sorry.
With love
Sally

tootertotz said...

Here from LFCA. There are no words that do you justice. I am terribly sorry and send you peace during this awful time.

Inanna said...

I am so so very sorry :(

Pepper said...

Visiting from LFCA to say that I'm thinking of you and your family and wishing you strength to get through the next few days and beyond. I am so deeply sorry that you have to go through this.

Aunt Becky said...

I am so, so, so sorry.. My heart is broken and I am sitting here, nearly vomiting on my keyboard. I am so, so sorry.

Caz said...

I'm so so sorry. CRAP! This is not fair.

Tracey said...

So so very sorry. Life just seems so impossibly cruel and unfair.

JGirl2005 said...

I'm so so sorry. Your post has me in tears at work. Life is not fair.

froggy mommy said...

I am so sorry. My heart hurts so much for you and your family. This is just so wrong and unfair.

Coleen's Recipes said...

Sending you a big warm hug...a tight, tight hug...a hug that says I'm so sorry and even though we've never met, my prayers are for you and your family tonight. You are very brave.

Coggy said...

I'm so sorry Ms. G so sorry. I'm stuck for words. xx

His Mom said...

I am...just...no words. No words. I am pissed and angry.

angelrobbiesmom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
angelrobbiesmom said...

I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie. You and I have a lot in common.
A friend of mine sent me your blog. I know exactly how you feeling and what you are going through right now.Your in my thoughs and prayers.
Natashia H.
NS ,Canada

allison said...

I want to express my condolences for your loss. I lost my daughter on 10/10 due to an incompentent cervix. I was fully dilated and there was nothing they could do. she was perfect and had a great heartbeat which made it even harder onus. i had to deliver her vaginally and that was the absolute hardest thing i have ever had to do so i totally understand your decision and i wasnt sure i would be able to. you and your son are in my prayers.

Tash said...

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Still thinking of you all. Much love.

Coggy said...

Just popping by to see if you're OK. Which I know you're not but I hope you know what I mean. Anyway thinking of you and sending you much love x x x

angelrobbiesmom said...

Hi

Thinking about you a lot. I hope things are ok. Things here in the home front is up and down. I just got news my daughter, 19 year old is pregnant at 5 weeks.My world has crumbled again!I'm so upset about this. She is happy and ready to take on the world.
I guess my baby making is now over. I will have a grand child in summer months. I pray everything will be fine. I keep tellin her to keep quite about it till 12 weeks but she post it everywhere!Yikes!

I so wanted another try but my dream will not come true.I guess.

I hope you are ok. Take care and be good to your self.

Beruriah said...

Just thinking of you this morning, Ms. G. Much love to you.