20 weeks and 3 days. That's how far. Then the baby died. I can't believe I'm sitting here in this spot again. I want to write a coherent post, but I feel stuck and have no idea where to begin my thoughts.
I guess I will start with the physical part. Save that messy emotional part for the end of the post. Since I am "on the cusp" of stillbirth, I got to choose, give birth to my silent baby once again, or have a procedure, of which I would prefer not to type out the name of to avoid the crazies, but the fourth and then the fifth letters of the alphabet is usually how it is shortened in talk.
I'm choosing the procedure. No, I don't know if I am doing the right thing, yes, I am worried I will regret not seeing him. But, I just couldn't. I just couldn't do it again, not when I had a choice. I think, especially now that I have had the other experience, you know, where your baby comes out crying and the room is happy, and the nurses say "Congrats!" No, I don't want to experience that silent grieving room again. And my other reason for choosing the procedure was A herself. I don't want to leave her overnight if I don't have to. What for? Having to do it for a happy occasion is one thing, but for this....well, no.
We found out yesterday, and here is the salt in the wound. I have to wait till next week for the procedure. My hospital doesn't do them, they contract out. I have to get some lab tests, and then make the appointment for next week when they have all my paperwork. I can't believe I am sitting here, typing this, still pregnant, but not really. I can't believe I have to somehow get through the next at least 3 days like this. Thank God for A, who will not be letting me mope around too much. One of my biggest fears is that in the next few days, my body will just try to go into labor and I will be forced to give birth anyway. I'm terribly scared of that.
So that is the physical. Can I even talk about the emotional? Where do I start? I am very sad about this baby, please don't think I am not, but I think what keeps making the tears flow, is the thoughts of This Is It. No more making babies for me. I cannot do this again. And even if I could, I feel a certain responsibility to my family. Can't make them do it again. Can't make Mr. G do it again. He wouldn't anyway. It would be nice to think I had a husband who would just say, "I'll support whatever YOU decide", but I don't. And honestly, I can't blame him at this point. I had to talk him into trying for A, and I had to talk him into this baby too. How do I deal with this? How do I not become bitter and sad that A is an only? Nothing wrong with onlies, not at all, but not if that is not AT ALL what you planned. Do you know how sad I've gotten when I have seen siblings out and about? Thinking about how A should have M here? How am I going to deal with that now? I can't believe my reproductive life is ending this way.
We do have a name for this baby, and I just asked Mr. G if he wanted to go ahead and give him the name. He did. And I do to, but for some reason, I don't feel ready to think of him as this person, this name. It is probably just denial. I don't really want to know or feel that my baby, my baby the person with a name is dead once again. I am struggling with this because our Walk to Remember is coming up and I am supposed to register in memory of the babies names. Do I add him yet? Do I give him a date? What should the date be? The day I found out, the day of the procedure, still unknown? A silly worry for sure, but I think that is me, straddling the line. I want to remember him properly, but then again, I don't. I want to close my eyes and make this all go away. My dead children outnumber my living ones. Make it go away.