Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I want to be pregnant again

Got you with that title, didn't I? I'll explain myself. I found myself reminiscing about baby girl A's pregnancy. I actually had the thought of, "ooooh, I wish I could go back in time and feel some of that excitement all over again" As soon as I thought that, my next thought was, "WHAT??????!!!!!!!!" I couldn't believe that thought had gone through my mind. I was very unhappy during her pregnancy. Wait,scratch that, not unhappy, stressed, very, very stressed. The entire time I was wanting to rush time along to the day she would be here, alive and screaming. I did a million different countdowns in my head, I had a thousand ways to deal with the slowly passing time of my pregnancy. I often tried to completely ignore dates and days except the first of every month, because it meant another month down, one less to get through.

So, why that thought? I realized I was only feeling nostalgic because I knew the ending. See, I know she comes out okay, so the thought now of reliving her pregnancy doesn't seem bad at all. It dawned on me that I didn't really enjoy her pregnancy much, and going back in my mind and having memories of it, was just my way of trying to enjoy a piece of it, even though it is long over. Oh, sure, I guess during the pregnancy I had my moments. She would make me laugh at times with her wiggles or hiccups. When I used my doppler and heard her heart, sweet joy and relief would wash over me. But, I have to be honest, I spent most of the time either begging for her to keep living, or just trying to forget I was pregnant in order to give myself a break from my morbid thoughts.

I have heard many pregnant after loss moms express their feelings of guilt, that they didn't enjoy their pregnancies. I had moments like that during the pregnancy. Now that she is here though, it isn't guilt I feel, because, well, it doesn't really matter, I shower her with love now, it doens't matter how I felt during her pregnancy. I feel sadness though. Sadness that that is how it had to be and probably will be for any possible future pregnancies. I mourn my sweet M, but I also mourn my innocence.

9 comments:

Catherine said...

See, I know she comes out okay, so the thought now of reliving her pregnancy doesn't seem bad at all.

Yep. I know exactly what you mean.

Julia said...

Right on.

Monica H said...

"but I also mourn my innocence."

Me too.

Tash said...

Since I had a miscarriage before Bella, I can't say I really enjoyed her pregnancy, even though it wound up just fine. And Maddy's? Hated eveyr mofo minute of it. And that I feel guilty about because it was probably my last shot. And if pigs fly and I get another, someone will have to sedate me in order to get through. It's all sad, that we'll never get even the anticipation and waiting and surprise.

CLC said...

I doubt you are alone in these feeling. I don't know who could enjoy a pregnancy after a loss. I can't imagine that I will if that day ever comes. But you are right, it doesn't matter now because she is showered with love.

kalakly said...

Hi there,
Thanks for your support at my place. I am so happy to read you have your baby A, and so very sorry to read about losing your son and your reproductive innocence. I suppose as much as we want something to heal us, there really is no getting over the horrific loss of a child. The closest thing I have found is the amazing support of womderful women like you and those that are walking here with us, who remind us we are not alone.

meg said...

I mourn my lost innocence too. It's just not the way that pregnancy is supposed to be. It's supposed to be a happy time and a time where you never have to think that there won't be a live baby at the end of it. It can never be that, for any of us. And that, is a big loss too.

Lori said...

I don't feel guilt over my lack of enjoyment during Pumpkin's pregnancy either. It had nothing to do with her, and in fact my anxiety had everything to do with the fact that I already loved her so much. Like you, I can now look back with more nostalgia (because I know the ending) but I will never forget how stressful it felt.

Seven_Shades_of_Red said...

You're exactly right! I did not enjoy my pregnancy after my m/c because I was so freaked out! There were very precious moments but I did not bond to her until she was born...

... and when she was born, we clicked together. I was more bonded to her than my first child, more in-tuned to her. So you're right, in the end that doesn't matter. What matters is they are alive and healthy and well!

lori said it beautifully!!!