Got you with that title, didn't I? I'll explain myself. I found myself reminiscing about baby girl A's pregnancy. I actually had the thought of, "ooooh, I wish I could go back in time and feel some of that excitement all over again" As soon as I thought that, my next thought was, "WHAT??????!!!!!!!!" I couldn't believe that thought had gone through my mind. I was very unhappy during her pregnancy. Wait,scratch that, not unhappy, stressed, very, very stressed. The entire time I was wanting to rush time along to the day she would be here, alive and screaming. I did a million different countdowns in my head, I had a thousand ways to deal with the slowly passing time of my pregnancy. I often tried to completely ignore dates and days except the first of every month, because it meant another month down, one less to get through.
So, why that thought? I realized I was only feeling nostalgic because I knew the ending. See, I know she comes out okay, so the thought now of reliving her pregnancy doesn't seem bad at all. It dawned on me that I didn't really enjoy her pregnancy much, and going back in my mind and having memories of it, was just my way of trying to enjoy a piece of it, even though it is long over. Oh, sure, I guess during the pregnancy I had my moments. She would make me laugh at times with her wiggles or hiccups. When I used my doppler and heard her heart, sweet joy and relief would wash over me. But, I have to be honest, I spent most of the time either begging for her to keep living, or just trying to forget I was pregnant in order to give myself a break from my morbid thoughts.
I have heard many pregnant after loss moms express their feelings of guilt, that they didn't enjoy their pregnancies. I had moments like that during the pregnancy. Now that she is here though, it isn't guilt I feel, because, well, it doesn't really matter, I shower her with love now, it doens't matter how I felt during her pregnancy. I feel sadness though. Sadness that that is how it had to be and probably will be for any possible future pregnancies. I mourn my sweet M, but I also mourn my innocence.