Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A funny thing about grief

Even here, it seems akward to talk about my grief. I can't help but feel the pressure of "you should be happy now!" since baby girl A is here. I imagine mom's new to this club reading and not understanding, because their grief is so fresh, so horribly painful, that they don't really want to hear how someone like me feels now. I imagine them thinking things like, "But at least you have A, and you know you can have a living child". I know that I thought similiar things when I was new to my grief.

I am happy. I enjoy baby girl A more than words can describe. The grief is never far away though, and sometimes the whisper grows louder and I can feel incredibly sad. This is a somewhat confusing time for me. I don't know what to do with my feelings anymore. Where do I put them, how do I express them? As odd as this will sound, I almost wish I had spent more time before A just wallowing in my grief. I did to an extent, but I realize now that just a few short months after M died, I started working on *being normal* again. I tried so hard to function that looking back, I didn't get to finish the *crazy* part of grief. I was, in so many ways, *holding it together*. Then, when I became pregnant with A, I was so very focused on her, on hoping she would live.

I don't know what to do with my M feelings. I find myself wanting to speak of him, add him into the conversation, the picture, the family gathering....but how?? I write things about A, things about her growth, her milestones, and I want to somehow put M in there, marking his place in the family line. But how? How do you speak of someone who isn't growing, who isn't doing new things to talk about, and who was here barely a millisecond of time? I know, that in October, at the walk to remember, and on his birthday, I will at least get to do something with my feelings. I just wish I could figure out what to do the rest of the year. I do know I need to work on his baby book, so there is that. It just seems that everything I think of is so lonely. I'm the only one still living in M world. And the truth is, it doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't fill the hole. When I was new to my grief, every little thing I did for M, or to remember M felt good, and gave me a fleeting sense of peace. I'm not sure I get that anymore, I just feel hopeless that those things are it, that my mothering him has been reduced to gestures.

I miss him. I wish I had ALL my children here with me, where they belong.

13 comments:

loribeth said...

(((HUGS))) We've had many people from the pregnancy loss group we facilitate go on to have subsequent babies, & I think any one of them could have written the same thing. No matter how happy we are in our present lives, no matter how many other babies come along, there will always be a part of us that is frozen in time & missing the baby who is not here. Nobody else seems to remember our daughter these days, but dh & I still visit the cemetery every week, take flowers there, make donations in Katie's name, facilitate our group & attend memorial events for bereaved parents. We talk about her often between ourselves, even if we can't "share" her with other people.

Take good care of yourself!

meg said...

One thing I have learned from reading all these blogs, is that another baby does not "fix" everything. I truly believe now. I think when I first started blogging, that I thought a baby would fix it all. It's a good lesson for me to learn.

I wish all your children were with you too.

Tash said...

I sometimes get the feeling people (well, rephrase: certain family members, ahem) wonder why the hell I'm so depressed because I've got Bella! And she's totally here and healthy! So who cares about some 6-day old that isn't here anymore? It's very difficult to mother through grief. To be a mom to a living child and still feel as though you're paying respects to the dead one. To make sure no one, from your immediate family to the general population, forgets. It's sad, and it's hard as hell, and the only way is through it.

You know, the blog is a great place to put M. To remember, to grieve, to dump. We're all still in M world too, right with you.

CLC said...

I am not surprised that you still feel grief. Most mothers love their living children equally, so of course a mother of one living and one dead would too. But since M is not here, I imagine that continued grief for him is the only way to show the world that you still love him and that he matters as much as your living child.

I am sorry you are having such conflicted emotions. Just know that M is not forgotten and I wish all of your children were here with you too.

Monica H said...

I wish they were here too.

Elaine Williams said...

Grief will take time, so don't try to rush it or think what you're feeling isn't normal. Don't feel guilt for what is or could have been, we all do the best we can. May you and your family be well.

Tricia said...

This is why I started writing again of parenting after loss...you are not alone with these feelings.

Tricia said...

This is why I started writing again of parenting after loss...you are not alone with these feelings.

STE said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think Tash is right, this blog is a place to remember M. And we will remember him with you.

De-lurking to say I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain.

niobe said...

You frame this dilemma so well.

Seven_Shades_of_Red said...

I have had a m/c and I can tell you that it's okay to think and speak of baby M. And yeah, you do have a new baby, but that baby was NOT meant to replace baby M. THAT is why you feel this way. Because M is a separate person from A.

So don't feel guilty for your feelings! You have every right to miss your baby!!! If you don't remember baby M, who else will?

Julia said...

Maybe it was because I had a living child when A died, but I have never understood why some people around us behaved and talked as if a new baby would fix things. How could it? A new baby would be a separate and new person. How would it fix the part where a baby boy with curly hair and funny nose didn't get to come home?

I guess what I am saying is that it can't be easy now-- getting to do things you didn't get to do with M. Every day a new and fresh reminder. I hope you can give yourself a break and give your grief the voice you are so clearly longing to give.

mj said...

I find I want to constantly remind people that even though it's been some months, even though I am out again, even though I've stopped looking like total hell, I am still grieving. Mostly, people who have not been through such events think that all is OK by now. They do not understand that the loss is permanent, and so is the grief. Lost babies cannot be replaced. I am so sorry you have to be in this dilemma.
just found your blog and looking to read more. j from http://ferdinandsgifts.wordpress.com