Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I can't believe this

Well, actually, I guess I can. I am still sick with jealousy and have a hard time hearing, reading, or being around pregnant women. Here I am, in the store, baby girl A against my chest in her S.nugli, and a pregnant woman walks by, and a flame of bitterness flares in my chest. Also, I felt uncomfortable. I think a part of me thought that might calm down a bit after A was here. I don't feel sick to my stomach, so I guess at least that has improved.

Though I usually try not to pay too much mind to celebrity stuff, the news showing photos of A.n.gel.ina (you know who I mean) with her much celebrated you know what (I can't bring myself to say the "BB" words) I was jealous once again. Ahem....doesn't she have enough kids? It's just my bitterness.

Especially because for many reasons of which I should post and talk about, right now at least, it seems there is a good chance A might be my only living child. Even though I should leave that on a cross that bridge when I come to it shelf, it makes me feel so sad when I do start thinking about it.


CLC said...

It's funny, but I started to think that recently, that when/if I have another baby, I am still going to feel all sorts of jealousy towards anyone who can have a "happy" pregancy. I get so mad that that joy has been taken from me forever.

Also, I can see why you would be sad if A is your only living child. While I am sure you are absolutely thrilled to have her, you probably imagined having children that had living brothers and sisters. These baby bearing years are so hard. I am sorry.

Julia said...

I am guessing it will ebb and flow, as it certainly does for me. I don't mind An.ge.li.na, but that's because I like what I know of her, and I think she is getting a bum deal from the press. But random women in a store? Oh, yeah-- you better believe it.
I also think (and practicing psychology without a license should be prohibited, you know) that some part of your reaction now might have to do with your thoughts on whether you will ever attempt another pregnancy. None of these things are easy to divorce from one another, and I am guessing it must be very hard to go through all these growing stages with A knowing you should've gotten to do that before, and thinking that you might not get a chance to do it again. As if you don't already have enough on your plate. I am sorry.

Tricia said...

Maybe there are women, grieving mothers out there that are able to completely let go of all of the anger and resentment...but I think they are the minority. Pregnancy and the death of my son are combined...so it's only natural for me to look at others and wonder why not them...why me.

JuliaS said...

I think I qualify as a bit of a veteran in this arena and I am sorry to say - it is almost a knee jerk reaction, the jealousy. I was exceptionally blessed and never for one second have I ever been ungrateful. But still now, even though I am staring down a hysterectomy and at the end of my reproductive career, a friend mentions in confidence a "secret" new pg or I see a new mom or a big bellied woman at the store and I feel those pangs of jealousy. Maybe not as intense as it use to be - but it is still there, even after all these years.

You are only human (we all are) - you've been through some extremely emotional experiences, it doesn't just go away. Completely normal and understandable - be kind to yourself. Some wounds and feelings run so deep, you never really are able to touch bottom.