A few months back, my mom found a picture of me at about age fifteen. I'm sitting in front of our Christmas tree, with a big smile on my face. My mom gave it to Mr. G and because he thought it was so cute, he put it in his car, right in front of the steering wheel, so he can see it when he drives. At the time, I thought it was sweet. If there is one thing that keeps me going, it is probably the fact that my husband seems to like me a lot.
Yesterday, though, I was having a tough day and we took his car to go somewhere. For some reason, I couldn't stop staring at the picture. I look so happy, so freakin innocent. I can't believe I thought I had problems then. For a moment, I had to urge to rip that picture up and let the pieces scatter in the wind. I will never, never be that girl again. Never that innocent, or hopeful, or healthy.
I always say your memories are so important, and you should try to record them as best you can. Right now, our thing, because of A being here, is a video camera, we must have a video camera. While we were discussing various choices, I had the thought that it was too bad we never purchased one before. It would have been fun to have video of our relationship through the years, the trips we took, the apts. we lived in. But I was immediately struck by the following thought that perhaps I wouldn't want to watch those. Do I really want to be reminded of the person I was before? It does nothing but serve as a very painful reminder of who I am now.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we shouldn't fill ourselves with memories. Maybe we should just live totally in the now, and then we don't have to think about what we don't have. I feel guilty for that though. If we did do that, how would we remember our dead? They are nothing but memory. I don't want to forget M, or any little thing about his short time here with me. I want sensory memory with him, so I can always remember exactly how he felt. I just don't want to remember that happy, healthy, innocent girl or that happy, active, innocent couple. It hurts too much.