Monday, February 11, 2008

Remember and Forget

A few months back, my mom found a picture of me at about age fifteen. I'm sitting in front of our Christmas tree, with a big smile on my face. My mom gave it to Mr. G and because he thought it was so cute, he put it in his car, right in front of the steering wheel, so he can see it when he drives. At the time, I thought it was sweet. If there is one thing that keeps me going, it is probably the fact that my husband seems to like me a lot.

Yesterday, though, I was having a tough day and we took his car to go somewhere. For some reason, I couldn't stop staring at the picture. I look so happy, so freakin innocent. I can't believe I thought I had problems then. For a moment, I had to urge to rip that picture up and let the pieces scatter in the wind. I will never, never be that girl again. Never that innocent, or hopeful, or healthy.

I always say your memories are so important, and you should try to record them as best you can. Right now, our thing, because of A being here, is a video camera, we must have a video camera. While we were discussing various choices, I had the thought that it was too bad we never purchased one before. It would have been fun to have video of our relationship through the years, the trips we took, the apts. we lived in. But I was immediately struck by the following thought that perhaps I wouldn't want to watch those. Do I really want to be reminded of the person I was before? It does nothing but serve as a very painful reminder of who I am now.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we shouldn't fill ourselves with memories. Maybe we should just live totally in the now, and then we don't have to think about what we don't have. I feel guilty for that though. If we did do that, how would we remember our dead? They are nothing but memory. I don't want to forget M, or any little thing about his short time here with me. I want sensory memory with him, so I can always remember exactly how he felt. I just don't want to remember that happy, healthy, innocent girl or that happy, active, innocent couple. It hurts too much.


Julia said...

I found this passage in the Rosh Hashana liturgy this year, and it brought me comfort. I don't know whether it will do the same for you, but I thought I would throw it out there:

May we never abandon our memories. May our memories inspire deeds which lead us to life and love, to blessings and peace.

meg said...

I try to not think about the person I was before all this. You are so right about the happy, innocent couple. We used to be that way too. Don't know about finding happiness again...but I am trying.

niobe said...

For years and years, I wouldn't let anyone take photos of me. Not because I didn't like how I looked. But because I thought that later, I would see the picture and remember with regret the person I used to be.

charmedgirl said...

i get a bit confused about this myself. more and more, i think maybe memories are for the inside of my head and not for album after album of pictures.

Coggy said...

I just want to slap the stupid girl that grins back at me in those pictures.
I just look at her and think wow who would have known this was coming.

anarchist mom said...

I have that same image, I'd just like to punch myself in the head. I hate to reminisce, any mention of the 10 years before Myles, I just can't take it. That person isn't me anymore. I will never be that person again. We were so young and innocent, I don't know why it breaks my heart so. It's one of my worst triggers.

Seven_Shades_of_Red said...

There will come a day you'll be able to look back and realize that innocent young woman shaped you into the wise, intelligent woman you are now. Things in life suck and are hard and difficult, but they shape us into who we are, into better people (hopefully!!!).

It is what you make of your situations that will make you into who you are today, in this moment.

You're still in a very raw, grieving step in life right now, so don't expect to be 100% okay. You'll have days, moments, maybe even forevers... but overall you're strong, sensitive, very loyal and loving.