Superstition

As I have mentioned, I started the NST's. I got set up to go Mondays and Thursdays. When I started, I was told they would do their best to schedule the doctor appointments on those days around the same time. Makes sense, but it just so happened that for this week, by the time I made my doctor appt., they only had one slot left. Friday morning. Fine with me, I don't care.

On Monday, during my NST, the nurse made sure I had my Thurs. appt., and then asked when I would see my doctor. I told her Friday. She fussed a bit, commenting on the extra day. I told her it was the only time left, and that I didn't mind at all. She said, it didn't make sense, and why didn't I just reschedule my NST for Friday. She said it would be no problem, especially in my case, because I am in high-risk, which is literally across the room from the NST. She said if a woman is seeing a doctor in another clinic, it doesn't really matter, but for high risk, they will juggle schedules around so that a person doesn't have to drive out twice. Like I said, makes sense, and it appears she is just trying to help me out.

I can't do it. I can't change appointments. I need to go when I am supposed to go, and that is that. I cannot put off for a day something that checks baby girl's health. I don't consider myself a superstitious person, but this pregnancy has brought it out in me. All I could think was, and if something bad happens, it will be my fault, cause I waited a day.

I have reasons for these feelings. I could actually give a few examples, but one memory that stands out is my NST's with M. See, when he first measured small, around 30 weeks, they booked me for NST's. I went to 2 of them, then got in to see a high risk doctor. My NST's for that week and next were already booked, the next one being Thanksgiving morning. At that high risk appointment was when we found out about his dwarfism, found out that everything was fine, that he was perfectly healthy, and normal size considering his stature. And you know what? I asked the doctor if I still needed the NST's. ME. I did it. And she said no, because he was fine, just a dwarf. So, my appointments were canceled. The next doctor appointment he was gone. I don't know if any words can accurately capture the guilt and the "if only...." that goes along with that fact. Why? Why did I say anything? Why? At the time, I just didn't think I needed them. I completely believed everything was going to be fine, and why have more intervention, when the reason I was booked for them was no longer there? Or at least, I thought it was no longer there. I mean, he measured small, they thought it might be a case of IUGR, intra-uterine growth restriction, but it turned out to be his dwarfism. I am not so sure now, not as sure as I was, because he was on the small side, and I will never stop wondering, but that is another post.

But I can't reschedule an appointment. Period. I will be there Thanksgiving morning, filled with heartache, memories of how I should have been there that same day for M consuming me, but I will be there. Because I can't not be there.

Back to the nurse. When I told her I appreciated it, but no thank you, I would keep things as they were, she laid it on thick. NO, NO, it is a waste of gas and your time, you must change it! I let her babble on, and said nothing. Then she said, if you change it, you can just start coming next week Tues. and Fri, and then you don't have to come on Thanksgiving. I told her I work Fridays, and it is probably better to keep it as it is. She gave me a look, and a okay......with huff. Although I was being very polite, I totally confused her with my lack of flexibility on this matter.

As I was leaving, she said, "now just stop at the reception desk, and tell them you need to change Thurs to Fri" I smiled at her and kept walking, right on down the hall, past the reception desk to the elevator. I have my reasons, and she can stuff it, although the exchange made me wonder, what is it with me and pushy people? People reading this blog probably think I am way too passive, but I swear to you all, I tell people No Thank You pretty clearly, I just stay polite. It doesn't seem to work, I feel surrounded by people who just don't let it go, long after I have answered them.

There is my superstition. I can't change appointments. If I am supposed to be there Tues, I am coming Tues. If I had to drive there five days a week, I would. I don't care. I don't want another "if only....." in my head.