No, really. In trying to think of a title for this post, that was it, the one that works, I did in fact throw a fit. I am actually a little embarrassed to share this story. Last night I had one of those, "I am totally out of control" moments, and nothing I felt or was doing bore any resemblance to sanity or rationality. I'm trying to forgive myself, and remind myself that this entire pregnancy I have been very fragile, and doing my best to hold it together.
It started last night as Mr. g and I were doing laundry. Remember this neighbor? Oh yeah, it was her again, SHE'S BAAAAACK!!!!!! It started the same way as last time, with me hearing "Excuse me!" behind my back. Mr. g was a few feet ahead of me on our walkway, and this time, I completely ignored her. She had to say it four times before I finally, reluctantly turned around. Mr. g started to turn at the third time, but as soon as he realized she was talking to me, went ahead into the laundry room. (yes, I was annoyed at that, but we will get to that later)
She started to ask me about baby things, and what I needed etc. I really tried to just be vague and not say much, but I swear I am so unprepared to discuss this pregnancy in public with people, my brain and my mouth don't cooperate with each other. Basically, I was just feeling trapped and uncomfortable. Remember, this girl DOES NOT speak to me at any other time. She has a little girl, maybe 2 years old. So the gist of the conversation was her trying to give me stuff. I basically did say, "thanks, but no thanks" but somehow she was still going to offload her carseat. In the end, she brought it into the laundry room while we were still loading up our baskets. I quickly grabbed the baskets, so that Mr. g would have to take the seat. I was feeling like I was having an out of body experience, and had been ever since the conversation started.
We head back up to the house, with me feeling 12 kinds of awful.I was hurrying to get up the stairs because I could already feel my tidal wave of emotion. As I was stepping with Mr. g behind me, another neighbor actually came out of his house to ask Mr. g if we had had the baby! That turned into some conversation where Mr. g was telling him how we had to get ready, etc. I didn't hear all of that because I had reached the door and went inside.
I felt sick. Especially at the last part, where they thought we had a baby because of Mr. g holding the seat. It was the tone in the voice that got me. Happy, expectant. Inside, as we started to fold, the tears came. At this point, I wasn't sure exactly what my feelings were, just that they were starting to overtake me. The tears led into a conversation with Mr. g about what was bothering me, at first I told him I wasn't going to talk about it because I knew he wouldn't get it. At this point, I was thinking of throwing the damn seat in the car and driving it over to my mom's. I didn't even want it in the house. After some prodding, I finally told Mr. g some of my feelings. Let's just say that didn't go well. He loves when people are "positive" for us. I want them to leave me and my pregnancy alone. One good thing that came out of our conversation was I got in touch with some specifics of feeling. I started to feel anger. Raw, out of control anger. When Mr. g said, "people are just trying to be helpful" my response, "yes, and those same people will say nothing to me if she dies, they will feel so uncomfortable, I will have to deal with their silent pitying looks just like when M died. I will be the lady who lost the babies, but now, oh when its happy, they feel free to talk!" Bingo. There was a big part of my rage. Like I said, the conversation didn't end well, it ended with me shouting, "I knew you would not get it! Next time I tell you I don't want to talk about it, let me be!"
First, I spent some time in the bathroom crying. I knew I was quite literally out of control, emotionally that is. I could feel it. I don't claim any rationality here. After a short bathroom crying stint, my rage was still bubbling over. I put on a huge sweatshirt, (thinking I would go back to trying to hide the belly, HA HA) grabbed the seat, took it the garage, and....are you ready for this? Threw, yes THREW it across the garage in fit worthy of most of the four year olds I know. Then with door slightly propped open, I pulled out one of my beach chairs and watched the night through the garage door for awhile.
I eventually calmed a bit. So many things were going through my mind. I already knew why I was angry, and in the conversation with Mr. g I figured out a few other things too. I tried to tell him, I just need to do things on my own time, I don't need people (whom I barely know) to force me into anything. It's different when discussing *hope* with Mr. g or family, they will be there no matter the outcome. I was also mad at myself. Why didn't I just say the shocking truth? "I'm waiting to make sure my baby will live before I start getting stuff, but thanks!" When I was crying, it was also just all my sadness over losing M, and all my fear of losing his sister bubbling to the top. I keep it together the best I can, but basically, I think losing him and being pregnant again....well, lets just say I'm not the most well adjusted person I know right now. I couldn't help it, I kept thinking, and what if she doesn't come home, do I give the seat back? On top of that, I am a very private person, if I want to talk about something with you, I will bring it up. This whole neighbor thing is driving me crazy. We don't talk, even about innocent topics like the damn weather, but you want to talk about my baby? Note, singular, baby, because god forbid I upset you by bringing up my dead baby.
As I sat in the garage, I sobbed out apologies to M for not being able to keep him alive, for not even knowing when he died, even though he was right there, inside of me. I also ended up apologizing to baby girl for behaving that way, as though she wasn't coming home, and throwing something that could be *hers*. That isn't uncommon for me to turn it all into my sorrow and guilt over losing M. Whenever something happens that brings the emotions to the surface, I start to think maybe there is a lot I haven't dealt with. A lot I still need to get out about M dying. All those feelings are always right under the surface. I also started to think about how ungrateful I was. There are people out there who can barely afford a carseat, and here I am being given one, and I behave that way. However, I will say, emotions aside, I am not one hundred percent comfortable with a used carseat whose history I don't know. Now I don't know what to do with it. Use it or no? Honestly, everytime I think about it I feel way to emotional, but that seems like such a childish reason not to use it.
*Sigh* I knew it would be hard to admit to my *craziness*.
When I finally went upstairs, Mr. g was doing dishes. He always does housework when we have a tiff, whether to get on my good side, or because he just doesn't know what to do with himself, I don't know. We didn't really talk too much about it except he apologized for not understanding. I told him I didn't really care, but I didn't want to sit and explain it either. Oh, and also from now on, if he was so gung ho on this crap, he can talk to the damn neighbors and leave me out of it. Easier said than done, since generally people want to talk to the woman.
Our neighbor right next to us has never said one word to me about my belly. I love her.
I miss M so much, how do people go on with this as their life?