Off the ledge of anxiety I have been walking, that is. My appointment is Monday, and last night, I just decided I couldn't make it. So I called this morning, told the receptionist I was having way to much anxiety, and could not wait. Was there any way I could come in just for 5 min. to get checked? My normal doctor wasn't in, but her nurse/midwife was. They had an 11 o'clock cancellation, so I took it.
And now, I sit here, crying, because I am so afraid I am going to find out bad news. I just don't feel her move enough! I think I feel her, and then it is a looooooong time, and I can't feel her. I am so, so afraid she is dead.
There is something else, too. One of the things I remember in the week before M died, was having a very sore throat. I remember thinking a cold was going to develop, but it never did, the sore throat just hung around with no other symptoms. On that horrible day, when I found out, I remember mentioning it to the doctor, about my sore throat, before she turned on the ultrasound. I had a sore throat yesterday. No other symptoms of cold or congestion.
It's hard for me to type this out, to admit these feelings out loud. I don't know why exactly, except that I feel a bit "crazy". But the feelings are real and overwhelming. Will I ever stop being totally convinced my baby is dead? It's a really, really shitty way to live, that few people in my real life can understand. I think only my mom and Mr. G don't make me feel like I am going off the deep end when I share these panic feelings. And I hardly share them with Mr. G because I don't want him going off the deep end, he has his own worries.
If I go to the doctor in 2 hours, and everything is fine (Please!) here are some things I am thinking:
1. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. Someone professional that is. I have avoided it because I couldn't find someone my insurance covered who specialized in infant loss. The person I saw after M died, well, she was perfectly nice, but I had to explain to her the difference between miscarriage and stillbirth.
2. Maybe I should get an at home doppler. I have avoided that because I was afraid rather than comfort me, it would send me into a tailspin panic if I couldn't find the heartbeat. But having one now, might save me a trip to the docs.
Anyone want to add their 2 cents in, on what doppler brand I should go for?
I feel a mess. A drowning mess. I have struggled with my faith since M died, so who can I beg to see that baby girl is okay?