Friday, August 17, 2007

I jumped

Off the ledge of anxiety I have been walking, that is. My appointment is Monday, and last night, I just decided I couldn't make it. So I called this morning, told the receptionist I was having way to much anxiety, and could not wait. Was there any way I could come in just for 5 min. to get checked? My normal doctor wasn't in, but her nurse/midwife was. They had an 11 o'clock cancellation, so I took it.

And now, I sit here, crying, because I am so afraid I am going to find out bad news. I just don't feel her move enough! I think I feel her, and then it is a looooooong time, and I can't feel her. I am so, so afraid she is dead.

There is something else, too. One of the things I remember in the week before M died, was having a very sore throat. I remember thinking a cold was going to develop, but it never did, the sore throat just hung around with no other symptoms. On that horrible day, when I found out, I remember mentioning it to the doctor, about my sore throat, before she turned on the ultrasound. I had a sore throat yesterday. No other symptoms of cold or congestion.

It's hard for me to type this out, to admit these feelings out loud. I don't know why exactly, except that I feel a bit "crazy". But the feelings are real and overwhelming. Will I ever stop being totally convinced my baby is dead? It's a really, really shitty way to live, that few people in my real life can understand. I think only my mom and Mr. G don't make me feel like I am going off the deep end when I share these panic feelings. And I hardly share them with Mr. G because I don't want him going off the deep end, he has his own worries.

If I go to the doctor in 2 hours, and everything is fine (Please!) here are some things I am thinking:

1. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. Someone professional that is. I have avoided it because I couldn't find someone my insurance covered who specialized in infant loss. The person I saw after M died, well, she was perfectly nice, but I had to explain to her the difference between miscarriage and stillbirth.

2. Maybe I should get an at home doppler. I have avoided that because I was afraid rather than comfort me, it would send me into a tailspin panic if I couldn't find the heartbeat. But having one now, might save me a trip to the docs.

Anyone want to add their 2 cents in, on what doppler brand I should go for?

I feel a mess. A drowning mess. I have struggled with my faith since M died, so who can I beg to see that baby girl is okay?


Catherine said...

Oh boy, do I understand this post. I just had freakout #85903275 last night at 4am. The only thing that got me through was sitting in the dark using the doppler (it's a babycom brand, btw).

As for the sore throat...It's a sensory memory that you can't just lock away in a drawer (oh, how I wish I could). I was sick when Alex died. I had complained to my OB AND my regular doctor. They told me it was allergies or a sinus infection...take tylenol and drink plenty of fluids. Last weekend I was fighting off a sinus infection and was convinced this baby had died. The best way is to find a way to cope. My mantra is, "Most babies live," and I TRY to spend some time imagining this baby alive and home with us. It doesn't fix it all...but it helps keep me distracted from the fear.

Hang in there. It's a marathon...just try to pace yourself. {{{hugs}}}

Beruriah said...

It's so not crazy. I hate this period, for so many reasons, but one of them being that in these weeks, the baby's movement is so erratic. Today he's wild, tomorrow....

I think you're getting to the stage where a doppler should pick the baby's heartbeat up regularly, right? So why not?

Please let us know you're both okay!!

Carole said...

{{hugs}} I can't imagine how terrifying this all must be. You aren't crazy at all. The doppler sounds like a good idea though.

Monica said...

Get the doppler if it makes you feel better. I had a drop in fetal activity (well not a real drop, but a perceived drop) around 21-24 weeks. It's because once I started feeling Critter move it was so exciting and new, but then the feeling wore off and his movement was not enough to pierce my attention to other things. So then I thought that he must be moving less. The truth is, my body just got used to the kicks and I didn't notice them as I had the earlier ones. Now that I'm 32, his kicks are much more powerful. BTW, there is nothing wrong with going in to have them check the heartbeat. I have done it in this pregnancy too. How far along are you now? I'll be thinking about you.