Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Feeling bad

The last couple of days have been hard for me. I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread, so I guess today isn't looking much better. I am having a hard time accepting that I can't control this pregnancy and make everything come out okay. I want my baby girl to come home with me alive and well so badly, I can't believe I can't just make it happen with sheer willpower.

I have been having bad feelings this week. Like intuition, except I can't trust my intuition anymore. Is there anything valid to it, or is it just my paranoia? Who knows? I sure don't.

There has been a few times this week where I am sure she is dead. I start to actually plan what I would do. I start making lists of things I wish I had done with M that I will make sure to do with her. Then I feel guilty. How can I sit around and plan for my child's death?

I wish I felt her move more. I wish I could just believe that she is alive and coming home. I try to tell myself you don't know anything right now, as far as you know, she is still alive, so, damn you, act as though she is! But it doesn't always work, it doesn't always help ease the sick feeling in my stomach.

I told you I was having bad days.

4 comments:

Megan said...

I found out three weeks ago today that I'm pregnant again after my daughter was stillborn at term in March. I've been feeling nauseated every since. It's not morning sickness – it's dread. I'm reading and hoping for you, Ms. G.

niobe said...

I'm so sorry that you're having these bad feelings. It probably doesn't help much, but it seems that every woman who has a pregnancy after a loss has very similar emotions.

Monica said...

Ms. G, I know how you feel. I hate saying that because people have said that to me, and I've wanted to say to them, "you dont know F about how I feel".. and that could be true here too, but I felt like that earlier in the pregnancy. I kept thinking, "at least I know now that I should get a picture of DH and I with the baby when he dies...". It's a way of protecting yourself AND, it's all we know. How CAN we picture anything else? Don't beat yourself up for this. You aren't willing this to happen and it does not mean that it will either. Nor does it show you don't have faith. It is just the way we cope with it. BTW, how far along are you now? I'm 32 weeks now (only 6 more to go before induction) and it is getting better. Remember my "I know he's dead" posts? Well they have now gone to, "he could be dead", and now I'm feeling more, "he's probably just fine". Like Niobe said, after pregnancy loss, it's completely normal to feel that way. I'm not trying to say you aren't special or unique, but these feelings are common. I won't say, "stay positive", because that is F-in hard to do, but make a mantra and say it over and over. Mine is, "No one conquers who doesn't fight". It's from a fortune cookie. Make your own or steal mine. Ms. G., you can do this!!!!

ms. G said...

Monica,

I am 20 weeks today. Thank you all for your supportive comments. I am writing more on this in my post today.

I love the mantra idea! I have got to think of one.