The last couple of days have been hard for me. I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread, so I guess today isn't looking much better. I am having a hard time accepting that I can't control this pregnancy and make everything come out okay. I want my baby girl to come home with me alive and well so badly, I can't believe I can't just make it happen with sheer willpower.
I have been having bad feelings this week. Like intuition, except I can't trust my intuition anymore. Is there anything valid to it, or is it just my paranoia? Who knows? I sure don't.
There has been a few times this week where I am sure she is dead. I start to actually plan what I would do. I start making lists of things I wish I had done with M that I will make sure to do with her. Then I feel guilty. How can I sit around and plan for my child's death?
I wish I felt her move more. I wish I could just believe that she is alive and coming home. I try to tell myself you don't know anything right now, as far as you know, she is still alive, so, damn you, act as though she is! But it doesn't always work, it doesn't always help ease the sick feeling in my stomach.
I told you I was having bad days.