Wednesday, July 18, 2007

My angry post

I'm feeling mad today.

I'm angry that:

M isn't here

That M died

That I had a miscarriage

That people don't know what to say to us (how 'bout just Sorry!!!)

That hardly anyone in this world speaks for our babies

That baby death and I think, especially stillbirth are such silent topics in our society.

That we ourselves keep the silence going. (Why? Why don't we talk about it? Is it because women just naturally take it as their "shame"?) *

That when I go down the scrapbook aisle of my local craft store, they don't have anything for dead people.

*I feel the need to add: yes, I talk about M, but I tend to keep my miscarriage a secret of sorts. I don't know why I do this.


Monica said...

I think people don't want to talk about it because they are afraid it may happen to them. Like somehow we have some sort of cooties or something and if they get too close they may catch it. I also think people just don't know what to say as they do when death is natural (like it happens to an elderly person). Then they can say all the things like, "I'm sure she had a full life". You can say that for a baby. I think a lot of people are well meaning but they really think they have to say something to make you feel better when in fact all they need to say is that they are sorry for the loss and ask you if there is anything they can do for you. And lastly, it's just so damn sad when a baby dies. Sometimes when I read others' blogs I'm struck by how sad they are. Then I remember, "wait, that happened to me". I hope you feel better with your vent. If not, re-do it with some swear words!!

Megan said...

I never thought I'd be starting a sentence with "my therapist says..." but here goes.
My therapist says it's too hard to be "present" for someone else's pain so we use platitudes to distance ourselves our own painful emotions.
That's why my SIL said "at least our children will be closer in age" and my stepfather said "at least you know you can have children."
You're right – "I'm sorry" would be SO much better.
And you're right that we keep the silence going by nodding politely at these inanities or not forcing people to acknoledge our loss.
What if we all just said we aren't going to do it anymore?

missing_one said...

I know with me, I feel as if everyone thinks that it will never happen to them, and I must have done something. And thinking that they are thinking that it is my fault somehow (even though it was very clearly not and I have no regrets) keeps me from shattering their precious bubble while the anger sizzles. So I can relate to the "shame" even though for me, it is outwardly perceived.
I'm sorry you had a bad day. Maybe something was going around, as I was soo angry. I think part of it was that the weather was gloomy here and that reminded me of the winter when I was pregnant...
It is totally unfair. Every aspect of it (including the craft aisles)

niobe said...

I think that missing one and monica are right. People do somehow feel (subconsciously, of course) that bad luck is contagious and that if they talk about it, it makes the baby's death seem more real and makes them feel that it might happen to them too. It's not an excuse and I'm sure it doesn't make you feel better, but it is a way of understanding others' actions.

That said, I've never been able to understand how people manage to get angry about their childrens' deaths. Don't get me wrong -- I think that anger is natural and healthy, even if it's not much fun. I just have never been able to feel it for myself.