Saturday, July 14, 2007

Practicing telling others

I let out that I am pregnant at work today. I decided to do it, even before family, because I thought it would be like practice. I don't have much emotional involvment with people at work, nor they with me.

I am so nervous to tell my family because I feel the need to protect them. I can't stop thinking, what if I tell them, and then the baby dies? I will have to see their broken hearts all over again. I know this doesn't logically make sense. My family would be broken hearted for me anyway, even if they found out the baby died after the fact. My family was so excited about M. And they suffered too, when he died. One of my first emotions on learning that M died, was that I let everyone down. Not just M, but everybody else too. I even remember saying, "I'm sorry" to my husband.

So that, in a nutshell, is why I went ahead and decided to practice on some co-workers. The sad part is, as soon as I said it, I was sorry I did. I kept kicking myself mentally, thinking I just should have waited. This means I have to tell them if the baby dies. Oh G.o.d. How pathetic am I?

2 comments:

Birdies Mama said...

Sweetie.

You are not pathetic...no no no your not! You are just so excited for your pregnancy...and I cannot say that I am there yet, as we are not even trying for our subsequent baby yet.

I can understand though not wanting to tell too many people yet. I have thought about that, and what we will do the next time.

I think you should just listen to your gut instinct, does it feel right to tell or not? If you feel that its not then don't. I can only imagine how excited you must feel to want to share your news with family...and at the same time that reluctance.

Do what you feel is right...you will find that space. Take your time and be gently to you, your babe and your hubby first...you are most important.

Love and Peace,
Birdies Mama

Monica said...

I was the exact same way!! When I found out with Jimmy I told my mom the day after I got my positive test. With this pregnancy I didn't tell until my second ultrasound. I understand the feeling of letting people down also. I felt the same way. Of course when I really think about it, it doesn't make sense. However are feelings are just that.. feelings. They just come and they defy rationalization. It's funny, there are so many things I want to tell you to make this SPAL easier for you, but the truth is, it's hard for me to believe it too. Things like: it won't happen again, you've got to believe... I really think we won't stop questioning things until we actually get home from the hospital (with a baby) and things are going good. Until that time, we can only offer each other our sanity when the other seems to have lost theirs. I think you are doing great!