I let out that I am pregnant at work today. I decided to do it, even before family, because I thought it would be like practice. I don't have much emotional involvment with people at work, nor they with me.
I am so nervous to tell my family because I feel the need to protect them. I can't stop thinking, what if I tell them, and then the baby dies? I will have to see their broken hearts all over again. I know this doesn't logically make sense. My family would be broken hearted for me anyway, even if they found out the baby died after the fact. My family was so excited about M. And they suffered too, when he died. One of my first emotions on learning that M died, was that I let everyone down. Not just M, but everybody else too. I even remember saying, "I'm sorry" to my husband.
So that, in a nutshell, is why I went ahead and decided to practice on some co-workers. The sad part is, as soon as I said it, I was sorry I did. I kept kicking myself mentally, thinking I just should have waited. This means I have to tell them if the baby dies. Oh G.o.d. How pathetic am I?