Saturday, July 28, 2007

Crazy

When I truly think about the some of the thoughts I have, I think I have lost my mind. I truly can't share them with people who have not lost a baby during pregnancy. Even sharing them with people who are in a similiar boat with me is hard. Maybe they will think I am crazy too. And what are these crazy thoughts?

The baby will be dead.

That is the thought that finishes a lot of my thoughts.

Like, Oh as soon as I tell people, the baby will be dead.

As soon as I pick out a name, the baby will be dead.

After I finally read a pregnancy book, the baby will be dead.

My u/s is next week, the baby will be dead.

I hate that I live here, in total negativity. I try to enjoy what I have and be positive, as they say, but I just can't sometimes. Fear and me are best friends. Except, I don't think I like fear anymore, and I want her to move out of my life.

Mr G. recently told me that two of his co-workers wives are pregnant. Of course, being a man, he didn't bother to find out any details whatsoever, so I have no idea when these ladies are due. He has seen both of them, however, and according to him, neither are showing. I could be wrong, but I am just assuming they are not very far along. How I envy that. Never has it occurred to these ladies that anything could go wrong, that being pregnant does not, despite what they tell you, mean that you will end up with a baby at your house. I don't harbor ill feeling towards these ladies. But I can feel my envy at their attitude like a white hot burn on my skin.

10 comments:

missing_one said...

Wouldn't you like to burst their bubbles a little....just a little?
But we don't.
*sigh*
I want back in the damn bubble!!!

Monica said...

Girl, I could have written this post myself! I gave away my stroller and car seat to a friend because I knew I would want to buy something for a subsequent pregnancy. Well that time has come and after agonizing for hours at BRU, I finally bought the stroller. Why did it takes hours to do when I knew which one I wanted when I walked in? Because I had to convince myself that buying the travel system wouldn't kill Critter. It is like we are paralyzed. It does get a little better, but I still haven't cut my tags off yet.

Herdingcats said...

Ladies, I hug you all. My mom had a miscarriage in 1967 and still has nightmares about it. This and the PTSD in veterans is the agony that we as a culture don't like to acknowledge. That makes you isolated and alone.

All I can say is that you've lost two babies. Those are real people and real children you've lost. This new one may or may not join them. I'm hoping that he/she won't. I'll keep you and all the women who suffer these losses in my prayers.

Don't ignore what has happened, but use it as a foundation to build your life. You can do it. You've got us!

niobe said...

This sounds completely, totally, absolutely normal. How could you possibly feel otherwise?

Beruriah said...

Either we're both normal for this abnormal place we're in, or we're both insane. In any case, you're not alone with fear.

MARION said...

Greetings from South America, Exactly from Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Chau

Mariano > art

vichchoobhai said...

The fears may be well founded but not necessarily foreboding. No harm in your taking extra care. It is good. But have confidence in God or if u do not beieve in God have confidence in yourself. Nothing will go wrong. U will have a wonderful bonny baby. The darling and apple of your eyes. Just await the day.

Megan said...

I think you're completely normal – if I am, anyway. I'm barely pregnant after a full-term stillbirth in March. I bought some maternity clothes on the weekend at a thrift store and spent the rest of the day convinced I would miscarry immediately as punishment for my arrogance.
Fun times...

MB said...

How about the one I go through...

Everytime a friend or friend of a friend has their baby..alive...I assume that odds are mine will be dead because it happens and it could (has) happened to me. Because you know, we couldn't ALL have live babies...right?

Makes me feel like an idiot, and damn, is it exhausting, but impossible to control.

Carole said...

I have similar thoughts as well.

And I totally agree with what Missing One said...I want back in the bubble.
~Carole