When I truly think about the some of the thoughts I have, I think I have lost my mind. I truly can't share them with people who have not lost a baby during pregnancy. Even sharing them with people who are in a similiar boat with me is hard. Maybe they will think I am crazy too. And what are these crazy thoughts?
The baby will be dead.
That is the thought that finishes a lot of my thoughts.
Like, Oh as soon as I tell people, the baby will be dead.
As soon as I pick out a name, the baby will be dead.
After I finally read a pregnancy book, the baby will be dead.
My u/s is next week, the baby will be dead.
I hate that I live here, in total negativity. I try to enjoy what I have and be positive, as they say, but I just can't sometimes. Fear and me are best friends. Except, I don't think I like fear anymore, and I want her to move out of my life.
Mr G. recently told me that two of his co-workers wives are pregnant. Of course, being a man, he didn't bother to find out any details whatsoever, so I have no idea when these ladies are due. He has seen both of them, however, and according to him, neither are showing. I could be wrong, but I am just assuming they are not very far along. How I envy that. Never has it occurred to these ladies that anything could go wrong, that being pregnant does not, despite what they tell you, mean that you will end up with a baby at your house. I don't harbor ill feeling towards these ladies. But I can feel my envy at their attitude like a white hot burn on my skin.