I had bad dream this morning. I think it started because of the thoughts I was having as I lay there trying to fall back to sleep. Mr. G leaves early for work and I often just get up when he does. If I don't have to go to work, then I will lay back down on the couch and doze some more.
As I was laying there, I started thinking about M and going through some of my memories of his birth. This alone surprised me because I don't usually focus on that part. I focus on holding and being with him. As I was going through the day we found out and the labor, something hit me that I couldn't remember. It was some small detail that I couldn't quite grasp. I was already in the state of half asleep, half awake and I couldn't tell if it was real that I couldn't remember, or part of a dream. I remember feeling tears, and then I fell asleep for real.
During my nap, I dreamed we buried M's ashes in a cemetary. (In reality, they are in our room) I realized in the dream that in the year and a half since he died, I never went to see him. I couldn't remember where we buried him, at what cemetary. This caused me great pain in the dream. I felt like a horrible mother. I had to ask hubby where M was. He took me there, and there were tall weeds all around M. I started cutting them and cleaning. Then I realized his gravestone was wrong. It didn't get his name right or his birthday. I was so upset. I thought it was my fault. If I had come to the grave earlier, I would have seen the mistakes and been able to have the stone remade. Now it was too late, I would have to find a way to pay for another. As I continued to read his stone it said, "missed by his father and mother, who lost all 5 of her babies" In the dream, I yelled, "I didn't lose 5 babies!"
I woke with that heavy brick feeling on my chest. It has been a long time since I had a bad dream where M was involved. The dream touched on so many things, my guilt, my fear, the fact that I will always blame myself on some level for my losses. After I woke, I tried to remember what detail of M's birth I thought I forgot. I can't now, even remember what I think I forgot, or even if that is real.