Bad Blogger!!

I am talking about me. I am still here, and as of my last appointment 2 weeks ago, so is the little babes. What happened was I just became so tired and overwhelmed I couldn't seem to even put words to paper. (or to computer screen in this case) I am still tired and overwhelmed, but I now feel ready to get my head out of the sand, look around, and actually talk about it.

My first official prenatal appointment took place 3 weeks ago, everything looked good. Two days later I woke up to blood, enough of it, and red enough to wake hubby and have him drive me to the ER. Although everything looked good at the ER visit. I have to pause to add that it was actually a good ER experience if one can have such a thing. The doctor was incredibly sensitive. Baby was still alive at that time, although I was convinced it was over, and it was just a matter of waiting. They gave me a handout on threatened miscarriage. I had more blood the following day, including once where a small clot was visible. The next day was better, but still had some visits to the bathroom where blood was visible. My next appointment was in a mere 4 days at this point and I decided to wait it out.

At my next appointment, surprise, surprise, everything still looked good. Baby even grew from last appointment. My next appointment is 1 week from tommorow. A little long for me, but from now on, they are every 2 weeks. My doctor told me that if that ended up being too long, we would discuss every week if I needed. (What a turnaround from the way I was treated earlier) I guess once you become their official "patient" things turn different. I have been obsessively checking for blood and stressing out. Not the "pulling my hair out from the roots" kinda of stressing out, but that low level hum in your body when you know you are not in your right mind. I'm still scared, but trying to also get to a point of enjoyment. I think I will feel slightly better when the 1st trimester passes me. There is no safe time, but that will be one hurdle. I am 11 weeks right now.

It is harder to be in denial now. There is a guilt attached to it, like I owe this baby at least some belief that he/she will be coming home with me. I try to keep a foot in both camps, scared denial, while also being a good mom and believing for the sake of my child.

The week I bled was the worst. The worst. I was in such a dark place, questioning my ability to handle this pregnancy. I don't know how women do it. Cope after multiple losses. The other part that I feel so tired from has to do with stresses not related to the pregnancy. Other things have gone on in my life in the last few weeks that have left me feeling spent. I want to write a whole chapter on those things as well, but it will have to wait. I'm tired.