Forgive me. Forgive my silence. I literally can't believe it is April. No, I mean really. I swear A just had her first birthday. How did 4 months happen since then? It is so very hard for me to get computer time! I have a little walker, explorer, risk taker that I am responsible for. Oh, and she hates it when I sit down at the computer. It is actually quite funny. She will be nicely playing by herself with no interest in me, so I think, "Well, here is a good time" The second my booty touches the chair, she *needs* me. You can guess who wins here.
I really just wanted to hop on and say, "I'm still here!!!" I actually am just coming off a *bad* week where I felt incredibly sad every day, missing M so much. Some days, I swear if I see another double stroller.....
Times like those bring it home that my family is not and will never be, truly complete. Times like those also remind me how *different* I really am from the general population. I'm sure no one knows how much I think of M, how much I miss him.
As for current things in my life, well, this is a complicated one. A woman who I use to work with before she got moved to another branch had her baby. At 23 almost 24 weeks. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't even get into how afraid I was to go to work for week, fearing I would hear the news the baby died. In fact, I was so afraid, that I have to admit, for just a second, I felt like all those people that avoid the topic because it is too uncomfortable. I know I am not like them really, but I just knew if her baby died, and I heard about it with working hours still in my day, that I would struggle.
So here it is, 2 weeks later and her lovely baby girl is in critical, but stable condition. And I have not sent a card, word, or good thoughts. I feel I'm in a bind. Because I want her to know if the worst happens, she can talk to me, but I don't think now, while her baby is still alive is the best time to bring up my dead one, you know? Think of it, a card that says, "gee, really great that she is alive, hope she stays that way....oh, and if she doesn't, feel free to call!!! Talk about uncomfortable....
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7 comments:
I'm here, and glad to hear from you! So sorry to hear about what your coworker is dealing with, & yes, an awkward situation for you. :( Does she know about M? Maybe just a card saying that you're thinking about her & her baby, & leave it at that for now. If something does happen, you can approach her again & let her know you've sadly had a similar experience & would be glad to talk if she's so inclined. (((hugs)))
I often worry that women just don't want to talk to me about pregnancy and babies because I remind them what bad things can happen. I think I even seen slight cringes when I mention I've had four boys (when only two are living). Hard to know what to do. If you have any kind of relationship beyond just coworker with this woman, it would be nice to send a card that just says you're thinking of her and her baby. Of you're just coworkers without any more to your relationship, maybe just wait and see. I don't know...that's a tough one.
So glad yhou're still around and alive. Yes you have more important things to deal with :-)
Still here and reading! I get what you are saying about the card, I would probably hold off on that!
Glad to see you back. Sometimes we just need the time away. We'll all be here when you pop back.
So hard... My husband's cousin had twins near when we had Alexander, at a day shy of 24w. One son is now 8 pounds and almost 5 months old; the other son passed away after 3 days of fighting to live. I've sent a few things, but I always feel awkward. I dont know how to explain it. It's so hard when you want to reach out, but aren't sure how.
Sending you warm thoughts...
Glad to hear from you. And yes, I know the times you speak of, when the pain and the missing is so large and in charge.
About that coworker... if you know her beyond hello, maybe do send just the "thinking of you" card. If you end up needing to be there for her, you can reach out again. And for both of you, I hope you won't have to.
Hey! 'Sup?
You know, I started a tenuous relationship online with someone in a peculiar situation: she was traveling to my city to deliver her baby who she knew had CDH and would need surgery. And I originally felt a bit like a grim reaper hovering, so I just kinda read along, and then now and again I'd say something noncommittal, and eventually I just came out and said, "here's my email -- for the 'worst case' scenario." And she wrote me how thankful she was to have it. I'm still keeping on eye on things and may actually go visit them in the hospital.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: start slowly. One step at a time. But she may be overwhelmed to know that you're there, if only lurking in the corner.
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