Saturday, May 10, 2008

Too lazy to rewrite my feelings on this

Not only do I let my feelings out here, but I also post on an online support group. I'm too lazy to write a real post about how hard this Mother's day is for me, so I am just going to copy the post I wrote there tonight.

I am really struggling this year. I know I have A, and believe me, I feel so blessed with her, you can't even imagine, but I just miss my little guy so much. I wish he could be here not only for me, but for A too.I could just feel a lot of sadness coming down on me as mothers day approached and I decided I really didn't want anyone to make a big deal out of it for me. I'm making dinner for my mom, but that is it. I'm just so bugged because a couple of people have acted like they are so excited for me and I know it is because they are thinking of this as my first mothers day. This came from even some family members, (in-laws) Then, a friend of ours brought me flowers today, and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but they wrote, "happy 1st mothers day" on the card. It stung. I mean, come on, I know being the mother to a baby that died means you might not "celebrate" mothers day in the traditional ways, but you are still a mom!! It just saddens me so much. After our friends left, I cried and cried to dh. I wasn't going to visit my inlaws tomorrow anyway, but I for sure can't now. I am just feeling too emotionally fragile to deal with them. I will NOT be able to handle it if everybody makes a big deal over the day for me.Sorry to vent, please don't think I don't appreciate being A's mom. I do, so much. That is part of what gets me, I keep thinking about all of the mothers out there whose children are not with them.Thanks for listening.

To all of us who have a spent a mothers day without our children- I wish a gentle, peaceful day. Remember, you ARE mothers.


Julia said...

People can be very very thoughtless. Would it help a little if your DH called the friends with a thoughtless card and told them how it made you feel?
There is no need to see the in-laws. My MIL is pitching a hissy that I said I won't go, but my husband and daughter can. So my husband told her to stuff it, and it looks like they won't go either. We'll see how she likes that.
It's a very difficult day, for all of us. You are not supposed to feel any one way about it. I am still avoiding as much about it as I can, and my living daughter came first. May it be as gentle with you as you with it for everyone else.

CLC said...

Ms. G, that card had to sting. I am sure they just weren't thinking, but I know it must have felt like a stab in the heart. And we know you are grateful for A, but I think it's only natural for you to want ALL of your children to be here with you. It's just a difficult day and I hope that you are good to yourself today.

I still always read your blog first when I see a new post. Your blog got me through some of my darkest days back in December and January. You represent hope to me! Thinking of you today.

loribeth said...

I'm sorry you were subjected to that bit of thoughtlessness, & that you're getting through today all right.(((hugs)))

Tash said...

Oh my god. I'm reluctant to tell people not to make a big deal because I don't want the answer to be "but you're still a mom." And I know some people who would come right out with that. I'm so sorry, this holiday is all about the awkward and the illusion of normalcy it seems to me.

Coggy said...

I just try and tell myself that it's an invented day made up by the likes of Hallmark to make money.

Telling myself didn't make our Mothers Day over here any easier for me. I never stopped to think before losing J what a cruel holiday it is.

Mary said...

Hi..... I know you don't know me!! But I am a reader of Erin's blog, bless her heart and just sort of bumped into yours.;) I will never ever say I am in your shoes, I did lose a foster baby at 2 months of age and watched my 2 sisters lose their children. So what I'm saying is just coming from what I gather from my sisters is that even though your children are not physically with you the last thing you want is to have people seem or act like they are non existent anymore. It has been 20 years since my sister lost her almost one year old and I still send a card of remembrance for her birthday and talk about her on different occasions. She is afterall.... her daughter. I'm so sorry for what you have and are going through, my heart goes out to you. My thoughts will be with you....I know it's kind of strange maybe for me to write and I don't know you but lets just say strangers care. Mary

Beruriah said...

What's so sad is they think they're trying to make you feel good. They think this mother's day should have been 'more' special because we have our living babes with us. And thus it's the same old thing - babies aren't interchangeable. I got a couple cards, basically ignored 'em. Haven't even read the messages. I called my mom, she said, "Happy M day!" with great enthusiasm and I just responded, yeah, you too, flatly

But like I wrote on my blog, I managed to make it a good day by pretty much pretending it was just like any other rainy Sunday.

Love to you