Thursday, January 31, 2008

Goodbye January

The last post of the month. I thought a good and small blogging goal would to make sure I post the last day of the month, no matter how the rest of the month went. The last day would be a good to day to reflect on the past 4 weeks and take a breather.

I have had quite a few sad days lately. Having A here intensifies the fact that I don't have M. You guys are probably tired of hearing me say that already, but it is so, so true.

My sister in law the other day was asking us about having more, how spaced out did we want our kids? She made some comment about "2 years" and, silly me, I thought she was referring to M and A. Before I opened my mouth, to agree, she made a follow up comment, and I felt dumb, realizing she was talking about the possible age difference between A and my next child. Yeah, cause we don't have to talk about M now, right? I answered back with a comment that, possibly, A will be our last. (Really need to post on this, by the way) She said, "Only 1 for you then?" I know what she meant, I do, she meant 1 in that sense of actively mothering, but it still stung. I was silent, I changed the subject, didn't correct her. I often do correct people, but sometimes I just get so tired, tired of having to correct people. It's strange too, because I do feel I actively parent M, does no one else see it this way? I love him deeply, and I keep his memory alive the best I can, isn't that actively parenting too?

I was tears a few nights ago because I was watching a show on dwarfism. Not the kind of dwarfism M had, a much rarer and seemingly more health affecting kind. But watching the show and watching the kids with this dwarfism struggle with the normal growing up issues but with a twist, sent me into tears. I miss M for everything, but also that unique perspective he would have brought to the family. I wonder what he would have taught us about being a dwarf in an average size world. How much he would have shown us! At least, I imagine so. There was a scene in the show, where the girl was at the mall with her average size friend. They were in the food court, and the camera showed an older man pointing at her, using his hands to show how small she was to whomever he was sitting with. It upset her terribly. Fire lit in me, I was so angry! A grown man should know better. It seems to me it is one thing to be curiuos, but then be an adult and direct enough to go talk to the person. At least then you give them an out, they can always turn you away. But to openly point at someone!

Those are just two examples of things that make me dissolve into tears lately. I know what you are thinking.....her poor husband.


Monica H said...

No, we do not think "her poor husband"

"I love him deeply, and I keep his memory alive the best I can, isn't that actively parenting too?" I think it is and that the only way WE can parent. I think you're a wonderful mother to both M and A.

I glad you blogged to reflect on the month.

Monica said...

I parent Jimmy in weird ways too, like when people comment on Andy as if he's my only child... Ugghhh.

Sorry about that jerk in the food court.

Tash said...

Good to see you blogging again, even if only monthly. I think it's a healthy reminder to numbskulls like me and my IL's that having another baby does not erase grief, nor does it erase the very existence of the other child. I often felt during the week Maddy was alive that I was splitting my time between two children (well, I was), but I often feel that way in my grief, and it's hard not to feel guilty about the time and quality of that you're devoting to either one. It's terribly hard, and you're doing a marvelous job.

Thanks for the comment on MoD; I responded to you over there (I think they listened to you, even if only a little bit).

charmedgirl said...

they are our children, we are their mothers. period.

anarchist mom said...

The two child norm is so strong. My DD is four and everyone asked similar questions as your friend.