Saturday, January 26, 2008

Where Ms. G shuts up

So I know I have been totally silent lately. It is just hard for me to get a chance to get on. Believe me, I have made a million posts in my mind while I sit nursing A.

However, when I finally get on the computer, my mind is a blank. Honestly, I don't want to post too much about A. I really don't want to become a "mommy blog". I think I can post about whatever, but can I really do that with a title Broken Heart Diaries? I do still have some things to post about M. Lots, actually, I have always wanted to tell more of his story, but during my pregnancy with A, there were always those worries to speak of. So I plan to still post, sometimes about M, about A, or you know, whatever. It will just probably not be too very often right now, while I figure out how to nurse, comfort my fussmonkey and type at the same time.

*Sigh* Just a moment to reflect on that last sentence. As hard as it can be, I love that she is here with me, that nursing and typing at the same time are my concerns, instead of, "How will I survive this?" She gives me a run for my money, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate her very existence.

I'm sorry, was that last paragraph obnoxious? I don't mean it to be.

I am going to share my latest source of tears and anger. When I am struggling with *motherhood* and knowing what to do for her, I have this thought, "If M were here, I would know this stuff, I wouldn't be a *newbie*" And then I get pissed at this truth that is my life.


niobe said...

It is hard. Because, of course, the grief doesn't just magically vanish when you have another child. And in some ways, as you describe, it becomes sharper, more focused.

charmedgirl said...

i think it just always sucks, no matter what. older alive kids, shiny, new alive kids...there's always something that can bring it up. there's always a new spin on it.

appreciating what we have, i think, has very little to do with it. and like niobe said, from what i read, i gather that having an alive baby after is very, very hard.

Julia said...

I am convinced that having a subsequent child is one of the hardest parts of this craptacular journey, especially if it is the first take home baby. The vivid reminder of all the stages lost has got to hurt like hell.

But I am glad you are posting again. And write about whatever the hell you want to write about. I'll be here to read it.

Monica said...

Girl, that is exactly how I feel. Word for word, letter for letter.

Monica H said...

I'll be here to read too, whatever your posts may be about. This is your space to right about missing M or loving A.

Carole said...

The name of your blog is still appropriate...even when you post those happy things...the good moments...all that stuff. The fact of the matter is that our hearts will always be broken for our babies that aren't here. Thinking of you.

meg said...

Write whatever you want to, Ms. G. I'll be reading, no matter what!