Just a few short days from now, it will be M's birthday. I'm actually doing a bit better than I was at the beginning of the month. I didn't really post about my feelings, because a lot of the time, when it comes to M, I can't find the words. I miss him. That is the main thing. I just miss him something fierce.
Yes, time heals, in the sense that you become more functioning. You become able to say your baby's name without wanting to die as you do, it becomes slightly easier to see other babies, slightly easier to see life go on. But, for me at least, the ache, the longing, for what I don't and can't have is very much there. I will never really heal. That is what I tell people. I live with it better, but I never, never stop hurting or wanting him here on earth with me.
Sometimes, I close my eyes, and try to remember the exact feel of him in my arms. I can't always capture it. Sometimes, I try to imagine being able to hug him now. His absence is huge and I don't think time can change that.
Ache. It is the best I can come up with. I ache.
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6 comments:
"the ache, the longing, for what I don't and can't have is very much there"
Me too.
((HUGS))
the aching is what is getting to me most. aching chest, arms...a big fat hole.
we will never be free of it, yet do we want to be? for me, i'm not sure.
All I can say is, "yup." Exactly. Exactly how I tell people I feel. Sucks, don't it. So sorry about the anticipation and the ache.
(ok, completely totally inappropriate comment to insert here, but I can't find your email -- I don't have a link either. Anyway, I just meme'd you. Feel free to wait a few weeks to get around to it, I don't think the universe will collapse.)
Ache is a very good word for it.
yes, ache is very much it.
And the missing. Very much so.
I am sorry...
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