Wednesday, December 26, 2007

And 3 days later....

M's sister made her appearance. Yes, baby girl "A" was born. I'll sum it up quickly: On Monday, Dec. 17th, at my doctor's appointment, the doctor started listing times I could schedule the c-section. (She was still breech, and I decided against an external version) One of the times she offered was Wednesday afternoon, as in 2 days from then. But, I had to have an amnio to check for lung maturity on Tuesday. If I chose that date, I would be 37 weeks, 5 days, a little earlier than I planned, but, seriously folks, how could I not choose the earliest date?

I have never in my life heard a more beautiful sound than that of her first cry. 37 weeks and 5 days of sheer terror ended. And, a whole new kind of terror started. I am finding recovery from a c-section rough, I'll be honest. I guess I'm odd man out because every other woman I have spoken to says she would choose c-section over vaginal birth, but I don't think I would. Of course, my vaginal birth was with M, and who knows how that affected the experience. For one thing, I think they gave me more drugs.

There is a lot I would like to post about. A lot about my complicated feelings having her here, at the same time of year, 2 years ago that I was in shock over losing her brother. I want to feel like I can be honest here. Because I am ecstatic, over the moon, loving and enjoying her in a way words can't describe. But, I am dealing with a lot of emotions too. There has been a lot of crying this week, and not just from baby. And here, I want to be able to talk about these things. So, I hope if I do, no one will think I am not enjoying my sweets. In real life, sometimes it feels like people think that way. So, if I ever get a chance, I will post about this week, and all it's emotions for me.

For now, I will say this. I adore her, the breastfeeding is hard, but getting easier, I adore her, I never knew there were so many diapers, and I adore her. Looking at her gives me great happiness and sadness, now I know for sure what I lost. But over the last week, I have thought many times that M, in his absence, has given me great and deep appreciation for every breath she takes.

19 comments:

meg said...

Ms G., congratulations to you, Mr. G and baby A. I am so glad that she is here safely and that the terror is over for you. Take good care of yourself and your baby girl.

Monica H said...

Congratulations on the birth of your sweet baby girl. And at such a blessed time as well.

I encourage you to speak (or write) how you are feeling even if people are going to interpret it differently. I think that mothers who are experiencing a birth after a loss often don't do that. Either because people IRL don't understand or because they think you're complaining. I think it's all a part of the healing process and you should let it out.

I hope you heal well and are enjoying little A.

Much love to you :)

Monica said...

OMG!!!! Way to go!! I'm over the moon for you. I completely understand the mix of emotions you feel. I felt them too. I wanted to be happy for Andy, but I was still mourning Jimmy. I had built up what motherhood was going to be like for 23 months. So I was a bit shocked at how hard it was... and how sad I was. But yeah, the cry was the most beautiful thing. We want pix when you feel up to it. And congrats, I know it was a hard road. You did it with grace and courage.

Beruriah said...

Wonderful wonderful news! I'm so happy for you, A, and Mr. G.

No one will think you're not enjoying her - motherhood is wonderful and difficult.

loribeth said...

Congratulations!! And cut yourself some slack. Most of the moms I know who have had subsequent pregnancies after loss have told me they had similar feelings. Everyone thinks that now that you have a new baby, everything is fine, but it's not, because someone is still missing. And they don't understand that. :(

Take care!

Tash said...

Congratulations! So relieved for the safe arrival news. And please, post as you feel comfortable. I don't think anyone here will question your love for your daughter -- or for your son.

wannabe mom said...

congratulations. i'm so glad she made it here safely.

charmedgirl said...

please, ms g, please post it all. i will be completely selfish and say that I NEED TO HEAR IT. i need the truth. having a live baby after a dead one is not all paradise. there is no replacement of what we've lost. NO ONE will question your appreciation or love for what you have now.

and for heaven's sake, CONGRATULATIONS!!! it's not gonna be easy. but you can say the truth here.

Julia said...

Congratulations! So-so happy for you.

And please don't feel bad about your feelings-- I can't imagine it could possibly be any other way. Having another baby doesn't make the dead one any less dead. What part of that is so hard for people to get? Sorry, I get a little worked up about this issue.

the dragonfly said...

Congratulations!! Enjoy every moment, even the tough ones...'cause they get easier. :)

Coggy said...

Big big congratulations.
Selfishly for me one more person who proves that after a stillbirth it is possible to go through another pregnancy and have a baby to take home. I'm so glad that you did.
Wishing you much joy with your little one.

Rachel said...

Congratulations!

Michelle said...

Congratulations!!!

I think it must be one of the hardest things that I've ever done in my life, to mourn a baby and be thrilled to have a baby. It's definitely tricky - and tearful. Good luck - and enjoy every moment! (the c-section recovery was sucky at first, but gets better soon. at least, in my experience. Hope it's quick for you, too!)

Kristi said...

Congratulations!!

As others have said, there are so many mixed emotions bringing home a living baby after losing a baby. Please share them here.

I agree - the C-section was rough compared to a vaginal delivery, but it does get better after a few weeks.

niobe said...

Congratulations. So glad baby girl A is here.

Having a new baby brings up so many conflicting emotions even in mothers who've never suffered any losses. Everything is amplified when you're missing another baby as well as learning to care for a new baby.

Rosepetal said...

Congratulations Ms G. I'm so glad A made it and still so sorry that M did not. Lots of love to you, all four of you.

Lori said...

YAY!!! What wonderful news to come home to!! I am so thrilled to hear of Baby Girl's safe arrival. I already feel attached to her since I used to refer to my daughter as "Baby Girl" on my blog, and her first initial is also "A". :)

Breastfeeding is always hard at first. It really will get easier, I promise!

Emotions run high in the weeks after giving birth under the best of circumstances. With the loss of another child under your belt, it is understandably more intense. I remember. It is perfectly normal and okay to adore this little one while still missing her brother. You always will.

a- said...

De-lurking to say hello and heartfelt congratulations! Your news makes me selfishly hopeful. Take care of yourself!

Carole said...

Yay!!! Triple yay! I have goosebumps just reading this post. The one thing I have learned is that we have a great capacity to feel extreme sadness and joy at the same time.

Please don't ever be afraid to post about both here!

Wishing you lots of happiness and some sleep-filled nights.
~Carole