Sunday, November 4, 2007

When I start to believe....

I scare myself. Yes, lately I find myself actually believing baby girl is coming home, that she will live. I can tell myself that this is an excellent development, after all, why not? Is believing she will die better? No. However, when we start to imagine our life with her, (and we have!) a fear grips my heart. I've suprised myself by not being able to turn off the belief, even as the fear invades me. I just live with belief and fear in one big tangled mess.

Honestly, I haven't even figured out this confusing mess of feelings. So this will be a very short post, but I wanted to touch on this quickly anyway, to at least start trying to figure out how to cope with this.

5 comments:

Monica H said...

This fear will continue to grip your heart until she is safe and alive in your arms. I pray that on that day, you will be free.

I have a similar fear, only it's about a baby that doesn't exist yet.

niobe said...

I've always felt that if I have any positive or hopeful thoughts about something, I'll jinx it.

painted maypole said...

hello! Thanks for delurking over at my place (last week - sorry I am so slow to finally get over here, but, you know, a flaming computer slows you down a bit...)

Oh. Love is being vulnerable. They say becoming a parent is like taking your heart outside of your body and watching it walk around without you. To have been through what you've been through? I can't imagine. I can't ever promise you no pain, but I hope, hope, hope that you get to see that heart walk around without you.

Beruriah said...

I understand. I'm still alternating on believing my boy will come home as well. A tangled mess of belief and fear is a perfect description.

We're doing our best, and almost there.

meg said...

That describes it perfectly--a big tangled mess of belief and fear. I hope you feel more of the belief and less of the fear.