Thursday, May 24, 2007

It Happened

Yesterday there was a small amount of blood in the undies. I called the doctor of course, waited to be called back by a nurse which, by the time that happened it was 30 minutes till their clinic closed. I got the usual spiel, it was probably nothing, could be implantation bleeding, (I should be way past the implantation bleeding stage), blah, blah, blah. I told her my history, I still got the advice to "wait and see" and call back if I had any other problems.

After I hung up, I got angry. Angry with myself that I did not insist on coming in, and angry with my medical plan. I cannot begin to write about the issues I have had since my losses. I would be here all day. In a very short nutshell, they don't take my losses very seriously. They are perfectly comfortable calling it "bad luck" and treating me like every other normal, healthy, sane pregnant woman. As we all know, I am far from sane. I should add in some info about myself here. I have an autoimmune condition for which they have no name, no idea why my body has these antibodies that has caused pain and inflammation in my joints and body. I take a low dose steroid nightly to quiet the inflammation. So, I guess this, along with my losses isn't enough to be taken seriously by my medical group.

I veered off my story of yesterday for a moment, forgive me. After getting angry, I called back, said no way, no how could I "wait and see", just what were my options for being seen? Answer: well, since they were about to close, (which they were not, when I first put in my call) my only real option was to go to the ER, or I if I was feeling anxious, I could call the after hours number and talk to a nurse. After thinking it over, I decicded to wait until this morning and beg to be seen. I am waiting for them to open as I write. I decided that if I was going to get bad news, the ER isn't where I wanted to be. If I did get bad news there, they would not do much for me anyway, just send me away to make an appointment for the next day.

Please, if anyone actually reads this too long post, tell my your opinion on this. Is is wrong for me to believe that for someone like me, they should have a note or flag on my file that basically says, "if she calls, let her come in, even is you think she is a silly, overanxious worrywart?" I think part of the problem is that they misunderstand my reasoning for being seen. I don't want to come in because I think they can do something to save the baby, I know at this point they can't. I want to come in, because if indeed this pregnancy is already over, I just want to know and do whatever needs to be done. I do not want to wait and see if I start bleeding more, all the while not being able to stop the conversations in my head about every single possible symptom I am or am not feeling, wondering if said symptoms mean something postive or negative.

I have gone to a support group here in town, and lurked and posted on online support groups. I have met women who do not have even close to my medical history who get told by their doctors early on to come in just to hear their baby's heartbeat if they need to. Is it me? Am I not assertive enough?

I hate this. I do not want to go through this again.


Rosepetal said...

I'm so sorry for your lost children Ms G. I hope you find blogging helpful. I have. Thanks for your comment.

And yes, if they know your history then the least they could do it be sympathetic and give you a bit more leeway for anxiety reduction.

lots of love

niobe said...

It's not that you're not assertive enough, it's that whoever you spoke to is an insensitive moron.

In light of your history, the doctors should be bending over backwards to help you get the reassurance that you need. If it's possible, maybe you should think about switching to another practice where they are more sensitive to your perfectly understandable anxiety.

That said, I know that many women have rented a doppler, so they can listen to the baby's heartbeat at home whenever they want. Just an idea that for you to consider.

carole said...

I totally agree with everything rosepetal and niobe said. The doctor and his practice should be sensitive to you and what you need. There is alot to be said for peace of mind.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Sara said...

Hi Ms. G., I'm so sorry, first, that you have reason to join us here.

You should have absolutely been told to come in given your history - even if there's no "medical" reason your doctor and his staff should be more concerned for the sake of your emotions. I'm 11 weeks today, and last Sunday, I had a bad stomachache and just started panicking. I called my doctor's after-hours line on A SUNDAY. I felt like a fool but she immediately called back and said that although the symptoms sounded like normal slow-GI track pregnancy issues, she wanted me to go over to Labor & Delivery to get an ultrasound, just so I would have some peace of mind. So we went, and she was right, everything was fine. I told her and the nurses that I felt so foolish for panicking, and they just said, "We expect you to be anxious and we're here to get you through. Call whenever." My last doctor, who saw me through my losses, would never have been so kind. I say, either find a new doctor or try to have a frank talk with this one about your feelings. Of course you're going to be anxious and frightened a lot during this pregnancy, and you deserve care that acknowledges that too as normal and in need of special care.

ms. G said...

Thank you all, for your comments and thoughts. Sara, thank you for telling me your story, that is the kind of care I am looking for. It served as a big reminder, since I am not getting anything even close to that.

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