Yesterday there was a small amount of blood in the undies. I called the doctor of course, waited to be called back by a nurse which, by the time that happened it was 30 minutes till their clinic closed. I got the usual spiel, it was probably nothing, could be implantation bleeding, (I should be way past the implantation bleeding stage), blah, blah, blah. I told her my history, I still got the advice to "wait and see" and call back if I had any other problems.
After I hung up, I got angry. Angry with myself that I did not insist on coming in, and angry with my medical plan. I cannot begin to write about the issues I have had since my losses. I would be here all day. In a very short nutshell, they don't take my losses very seriously. They are perfectly comfortable calling it "bad luck" and treating me like every other normal, healthy, sane pregnant woman. As we all know, I am far from sane. I should add in some info about myself here. I have an autoimmune condition for which they have no name, no idea why my body has these antibodies that has caused pain and inflammation in my joints and body. I take a low dose steroid nightly to quiet the inflammation. So, I guess this, along with my losses isn't enough to be taken seriously by my medical group.
I veered off my story of yesterday for a moment, forgive me. After getting angry, I called back, said no way, no how could I "wait and see", just what were my options for being seen? Answer: well, since they were about to close, (which they were not, when I first put in my call) my only real option was to go to the ER, or I if I was feeling anxious, I could call the after hours number and talk to a nurse. After thinking it over, I decicded to wait until this morning and beg to be seen. I am waiting for them to open as I write. I decided that if I was going to get bad news, the ER isn't where I wanted to be. If I did get bad news there, they would not do much for me anyway, just send me away to make an appointment for the next day.
Please, if anyone actually reads this too long post, tell my your opinion on this. Is is wrong for me to believe that for someone like me, they should have a note or flag on my file that basically says, "if she calls, let her come in, even is you think she is a silly, overanxious worrywart?" I think part of the problem is that they misunderstand my reasoning for being seen. I don't want to come in because I think they can do something to save the baby, I know at this point they can't. I want to come in, because if indeed this pregnancy is already over, I just want to know and do whatever needs to be done. I do not want to wait and see if I start bleeding more, all the while not being able to stop the conversations in my head about every single possible symptom I am or am not feeling, wondering if said symptoms mean something postive or negative.
I have gone to a support group here in town, and lurked and posted on online support groups. I have met women who do not have even close to my medical history who get told by their doctors early on to come in just to hear their baby's heartbeat if they need to. Is it me? Am I not assertive enough?
I hate this. I do not want to go through this again.