Monday, May 14, 2012

They don't make I hate Mothers Day Cards

It's time for me to come out of my mothers day closet.   I hate mothers day.  I hate it even though I have a living child.  My first Mother's Day after *A* was born, I was extremely uncomfortable, and surprised that I still felt sad.  I thought by the next one, I would be over it.  I wasn't.

That year, *A* was 1 and my father treated all of us to a fancy mother's day brunch at a historic hotel.  I was grumpy on the drive over, but didn't know why.  When we walked into the buffet room, they were handing out roses.  Only to the mothers.  I didn't want one,  I had some feeling of wanting to be in solidarity to the those who are mothers but wouldn't get roses, but it was too late.  My sister had already pointed to me, like, "give her one, she is a mother".  I took it and said, "thank you', but inside I  felt feverish.  I wanted to take my rose, throw it on the ground, and stomp on it till its petals flew all over the room.

I got it.  I got the reason I hate mothers day.  It's so arrogant somehow,  dripping with its "specialness" because you happened to get lucky and have children.  The whole air around it, like you, the mother "did something" simply because you have a child.  Of course, I have also been the mother who didn't do something, who did not get to loudly proclaim, "I am a mother!  I fit in with all of you!"

I don't say any of this to minimize *A* or the fact that I did get to become the mother to a living child.  I just can't forget the awful mothers day after *M* was born.  And even though I get to pretend, get to participate in the festivities, my heart always aches a bit for the ones I know are sitting at home, crying.

I solved my problem in part by doing something with my mother and mother-in-law the Sunday before Mother's Day.  Then, on Mothers Day I can pretend its any other Sunday, a family day, where I get to hang out with *A* and Mr. g.

I came to a realization this year.  Don't all woman, at some point in their lives, play a maternal role to someone?  The friend, the aunt, your dads girlfriend, a teacher, a neighbor, your sister in law, all of us have had a special woman in our lives.  If we're really lucky, we get a wonderful mom AND some great women.  *A* has 3 childless aunts.  They adore her, and spoil her, and play with her. My two childless sisters are 8+ years younger than me.  I have a secret hope that during the teenage years, they can be guiding adults for her without the baggage MOM has.  I decided I want to teach *A* that mother's day is a day to show appreciation for all and any woman who has a role in your life.  Besides that, I want to teach her that she doesn't have to wait for some "special" day to show that appreciation.  Any day will do, and sometimes is even better because there is no obligation tied to it.


Michele said...

I dont like Mother's Day either. Never have. Having living children doesnt change it for me.

Amanda MacDonald said...

overrated--a hate it--so depressed today. Single parenting sucks.