Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Silence and time

I didn't post on M's birthday. Or A's birthday either. At the time, I was actually thinking of ending the blog. I guess I have decided not to do that. Yet.

Five. He should be five. Can it really be that long? How can it feel so long ago and yet, so close in time?

And three. Good lord, she is three! That just seems so fast to me.

Maybe that's what it is. When you are watching someone grow up, it seems so quick, one minute they are a newborn, then baby, then toddler, then big girl! But at the same time, when you are hurting over not getting to watch someone grow up, time drags and you think there will never come a day when it doesn't hurt.

It doesn't hurt. Not the way it used to. But I can still be totally surprised and taken aback by it when something happens that causes it to catch me in its waves again. Sometimes its obvious, like when a man lets his two year old wander outside my work causing the police to show up, and you look at his children, (were there 6 or 7 of them?) and you want to yell at God, "REALLY GOD? REALLY! this man gets to keep having kids he can't/won't watch and you can't let me have my kids!!!" But other times, it is really unexpected like when you are wrapping presents for your 3 year old, and you are happy and excited for another Christmas with her, and then you look at your wrapping paper and realize some of it (in fact, almost all of it) is over 5 years old, because until she came, you stopped wrapping very many presents. And in fact, barely even took out your Christmas stuff at all. You would just grab a cheap gift bag for the few presents you bought. Now, because your only child is maybe just a wee bit spoiled, you know you will go through the paper quickly. Suddenly, you are sad.

I'm not ending this blog yet. But I will have to mull over what I want to talk about. On one hand, I still have so much to say. On the other, I feel like everyone (even the internet) is tired of hearing about it, and thinks I should move on.


Mirne said...

My daughter would be five next year. My oldest son would be nearly three. And my youngest would be one and a half. But none of them are here. I don't think it ever leaves you. A friend's son should be celebrating his 21st birthday today. But he was stillborn, so he is not.

Michele said...

Nick and Sophie would be 3 in a few months... Alex would have just turned 2... You never forget, even as time moves.

And you are so right; it is in doing for the children here (Bobby and Maya are 15 months old) that you realize how fast time moves even when, in your mind, some time moves so slow.

Chantel said...

I never tire of hearing about it.. I do tire of living it, but never of hearing it. Because then I don't feel so alone.

Monica H said...

The last paragraph...that's how I feel. But I don't feel that way about you. Write what you feel, I will read.

Sending you many Christmas blessings,

Monica H

lesliedispensaperlman said...

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you....

loribeth said...

Katie would be 13 (!) next year. I didn't even start my blog until year 9 afterwards, & I still find I have plenty to write about.

If you want to write, write. I will be here to read. : ) (((hugs)))