One of the strange side effects of having dead babies is the awkward way they come up even when you are not talking of their death.
Like, when people are rehashing pregnancy memories. And you have this great story about craving watermelon like a crazy woman, and then directly after eating it, you ran to the bathroom to throw it up, and after that, you couldn't even look at watermelon in the grocery store for months.
And everyone laughs and some comment is made in reference to this story being about your living daughter, and you say nothing and let them think that even though the story was about your son. Except you don't mention that because this is a laughing moment and nothing kills that like mentioning your dead baby.
Even though you hate that, because it isn't fair. I mean, you were pregnant with him, and did give birth to him and you have some comments or stories to tell that sound like everybody else's, at least, until the end.
Sometimes when you are talking you let everyone think you only recall your living daughters' pregnancy stories, and you never even say, "well, I remember the first time I was pregnant...." or even, "oh, yeah, 2005, I was pregnant so I didn't drink that beer that made everyone else sick" or whatever the story or reference may be.
You find yourself starting stories like, "well, when I was pregnant...."as though you were pregnant only that one time, yes sir, one time only. You never make it sound plural, like more than 1 case of morning sickness, 1 case of constipation, 1 hospital stay, 1 pregnancy total.
Except for finally, today. When you were feeling strong. When you are feeling, (this week at least) that you are sick of almost hiding them. When you are feeling you might need to start mentioning them again.
And you say, in reference to story about being weak or strong of stomach, "I had a strong stomach till my first pregnancy, after that, I got much more disgusted by things like throw up"
And even though it was this minor detail, this minor thing adding that first to the story, you feel strong and proud of yourself and you feel a small weight of burden lift off your shoulders.